Life after Divorce for Kids

From LoveToKnow Dating

If you are dating a divorced man with kids, it is good to understand life after divorce for kids. Our dating coach gives this reader some necessary perspective.

Life after Divorce for Kids and a New Relationship

=Reader Question

I have been living with a man I had affair with, he has been divorced for a year and separated for almost a year. So, we have been seeing each other for two years. Yes, we hurt a lot of people with what we did and mostly his kids. He has a girl aged 4 and boy aged 10 and I know he misses them very much. I hate that we hurt his ex and the kids but it has been two years now and he still won't let me around his kids. It is getting harder and harder to deal with. I leave every other weekend and three hours during the week. This past Christmas he had them for six days and I had to go stay with my sister. That hurt me so bad because I was the one who put up the tree and stockings, and I couldn't even be at my home on Christmas. I can understand how hard it is but after two years! They know nothing about me expect what their mother has said and I am sure that is not good. He tells me it has nothing to do with me that it is his feelings and guilt for how he hurt them so bad and he misses them so much. He doesn't even let them know I am living with him, doesn't tell them I am even there when he talks to them on the phone, and what's really bad is his mother comes and stays on the weekends he has them to help him out and she lies to the kids to too. All my stuff that I moved in there they bought or someone gave to them. I understand that what we did was wrong and that giving the kids time to adjust to everything is the right thing, but I think it's been long enough and I don't understand the hiding me part. I believe that is very wrong and it hurts me. He would even go so far as to hide pictures of us when they came over. He said he loves me and he will try this year but I haven't seen anything so far. Can you help me out! Should it take this long? I'm I wrong?

-- Contributed by: CS

Expert Reply

Dear CS,

Divorce is hard on kids and parents. It is normal for parents to feel guilty about the break-up and the hurt they have caused their kids. This is true regardless of an affair. When a parent is acting in the best interest of the kids, it means he is willing put the kids' needs and interests ahead of his own. How does he do this? When taking into account the impact of divorce on children, it’s important to understand the kids developmental needs according to their age, personality and adaptability. This approach is useful when it comes to introducing a new relationship to the children.

It sounds like your boyfriend has been trying to juggle being a single parent and meeting the emotional needs of his children. He has done this with limited success. Given that, his parenting time is limited to every other weekend and one visit during the week. With this short timeframe, the focus of parenting is on re-establishing bonding and safety between himself and his children. Trust issues, fears, and age appropriate interests of the kids may occupy much of the quality time.

This also means that while you have been patiently waiting to be a part of his children’s lives, it has not been appropriate to introduce you to the kids. This holds true regardless of the fact that you and the dad had an affair. Dating and a new relationship are not the focus of parenting time right after divorce. As to your question “how long does it take?” The answer is that depends on many factors. Children grieve the loss of marriage differently. Age, temperament, and developmental stages all play a part in how and when children are ready to learn about their parent in a new relationship. This may explain why your boyfriend has been hesitant to tell his children about you.

My suggestion would be that the two of you explore the when and how to tell his children together. You can learn about his children’s developmental needs by reading books, online searches and talking with a professional counselor and dad’s self-reports of his knowledge and understanding of his kids. Once you both understand the needs of his children, you can then talk about “how” to begin the process of introducing you. This might begin by dad talking age appropriately about dating. From there talks can move to specifically his dating. Future talks with his kids will discuss his spending more time with you, and eventually, leading to your introduction to the children.

Keep in mind that although you have waited two years to meet the children, they are not at the same place as you. Patience, understanding and putting the needs of the children ahead of your own desires, will in the end, strengthen your relationship with your boyfriend and his children.

~~Lori

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