Letting Go Past Relationship

From LoveToKnow Dating

Are you having trouble letting go of a past relationship? So were these readers! Check out what our dating coach had to say in return.

Letting Go of Past Relationship

Reader Question

Hi Lori, I am 43 years old and I have been married twice. Both relationships were abusive. One lasted for 4 years and two children came from it. The second marriage lasted 8 years. I had to end it because my spouse hid that he had an alcohol and drug problem. Anyway, it has been 2 years since I dated or was in relationship. In 2007, I met a man whom I knew from a while ago. We exchanged numbers and we have been together ever since. Believe me; I was not looking for anybody. He is a good man and is everything that I have been looking for in a man but I have a problem. He is 7 years younger than me. I want a man to be romantic and for once show me that he loves me. He tells me that he does but I sometimes get the feeling as if I am not worth loving (in my mind). See, I heard those same words before in my other two relationships. This relationship is different. We have a lot in common and he is very funny. We are planning to get married next year. I just want to know is it wrong for me to feel this way? I have always been the giver but never the receiver. I am so confused. We have talked about my feelings and he always says he hears me but a part of me doesn't believe that. I have spent most of life being mistreated. I really do love him, and I do want to be with him. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels here as far as getting him to be romantic. What advice can you give me?

-- Contributed by: Ms. V

Expert Reply

Dear Ms. V.,

Often, when we are in a new and unfamiliar situation, our brain searches its archives for previous or similar experiences. Once the file is located, we then compare the past with the present and draw our conclusions based on the success or failure of the past. Translation, we tend to view our current life from our past. Then we carry around our suitcase of previous hurts. When we meet someone new, we lay this suitcase at their feet with the expectation that this new person should right the wrongs of our past. Even better, this new person should ‘prove’ he is different then the past. What a heavy and unfair burden we put on the shoulders of someone we say we love.

No, it’s not wrong for you to wonder how this new relationship will turn out. However, when you seek a guarantee and/or proof that this guy ‘is the one,’ you’re setting him and yourself up for disappointment. That’s because love has no guarantees, people have no guarantees, and life has no guarantees. What you can control are the choices you make. You can choose to continue to compare your fiancé to your past relationships or you can choose to stop doing this behavior. It’s easy to stop. The next time you find yourself saying or thinking about the past, say instead, “Oh there I go again thinking of the past. Instead, I’ll focus my attention on something else.” Then do it!

If you don’t work every time on stopping this old way of thinking you are setting your fiancé up for failure. He can’t do anything about your past. Since he was not the one who disappointed you, he can’t even apologize for what happened to you nor can he right the wrongs. This is your work to let go. It is your choice as to what life you want to live – in the past or in the present.

Choose to focus on the choices that are available to you. Give love freely, without any promises or guarantees. Be loved for the woman you are today and not for the woman you once were. Face problems as they arise and not a moment sooner. Create and actively participate in the kind of marriage you have always wanted. This means if you want more romance in your relationship, share your desire for this with your fiancé. Listen to his thoughts on the subject. Once you both are clear what the other’s thoughts and feeling are, work together to problem-solve for solutions. The solutions will be the behaviors each of you will do to make romance a reality. The two of you can also decide what romance will feel like, sound like and how often it will occur. Agree to how often (a week or day) romance will be consciously displayed. Decide what constitutes romance, how you will each give and receive it. All of this is how you can choose to be in the present and do something different from the past.

Keep in mind that romance is an individual idea. What romance means to you and how it is demonstrated will be different from for any other person. When you are part of a relationship, it is important to understand that two opinions can be right and a solution can come from ideas each of you has.

~~Lori

First Loves

Reader Question

I dated this guy for two years. We were deeply in love, both each other's first loves and we had all of our firsts together. We both went away to college and things fell apart. I was stupid and thought I wanted to see what else there was; we went into an open relationship during which we each had other people. When we got back for the summer, our relationship had slowly declined and we had both changed. Most of what happened was my fault, as I strayed very far, had sex with someone else, and was very confused. Then this past summer I realized how stupid I had been and opened my heart to making this long distance thing work. He was done. He broke up with me and I have never felt such pain in my whole life. I loved his family, he loved mine, and we thought we were going to get married. After five months, I still cry about him every day and wish I could have him back. I don't know what to do. How to move on or how to get him back (despite the fact that he may be with the girl he fooled around with last year). I just want this pain to stop.

-- Contributed by: Sarah

Expert Reply

Dear Sarah,

You are hard on yourself and I can’t help but wonder if this is because you’re lonely. Loneliness is a very painful feeling and it stirs up other feelings like sadness, guilt and regret. Think about it. If you were in a relationship with a guy you were attracted to, who called you when he said he would, who opened the door for you, held your hand and listened to you, do you think you would miss your ex as much as you do? I am guessing, not so much. I ask this question because you say things that lead me to believe you may not have been all that into your boyfriend. For example, if you were truly in love with him when you went off to college you wouldn’t have been able to have an open relationship. An open relationship is counterproductive to a mutually exclusive relationship. You can’t be in the kind of love that is meant to last a life time and also desire to date others. However, you can be ‘in-love’ with Mr. or Ms. Right Now and desire to date others. I think this was your situation and why it was easy for you and him to stray away from each other.

By giving yourselves permission to explore, you each found out that the ‘other’ was not the one. There is no reason to feel guilty or to place blame for what has happened. He has found someone new, which is a sign that you were not the right one for him either. Now it is time for you to move on. Moving on doesn’t mean you regret, it simply means you remember the past with fondness and keep moving toward the future. In the beginning, this won’t be easy because you are sad and lonely. Therefore, you might want to think about getting involved in things and activities with others. By doing so, you open your self to meeting new people and to new possibilities.

To help you get started, try writing your ex a gratitude letter. You don’t have to mail it, you are simply putting feelings into works. In the letter tell him how much you appreciated all the ‘firsts’ the two of you shared. Tell him how grateful you are for those memories. Then tell him how important it is for you to move on and find love again and how you wish the same for him. Tell him about your plans for meeting new people and getting involved in new adventures. Close the letter by telling him how he will always have a place in your heart.

Once the letter is complete, you are ready to begin a new chapter in your own life. In the beginning this may feel a little forced and unnatural. That’s OK; sometimes you need to fake it until you make it.

~~Lori

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