Letting Go

Letting Go of the Past

Reader Question

Dear Lori,

I am a 19 year old college student who is both hateful and still in love with a boy I was with in high school. A friend of mine's boyfriend hooked us up in the 11th grade. I told my parents about him. They weren't sure at first but then they said okay as along as we didn't get too close. Things were great and wonderful. I was still getting good grades as my mother told me to, because she said if your lost your virginity and become pregnant this soon you have ruined your life. He was my first boyfriend.

During summer breaks we would be together but my mother would chaperone. He asked often whether she had to be with us. I said she is only watching out for my safety. Still, it seemed like he felt uncomfortable with the whole situation, but eventually he totally understood.

After graduation and close to my birthday he told me that he was moving to another town, but we could phone, email and visit during breaks. Then he said that before he had to leave he wanted me to no longer be a virgin and that this would be a very special moment. I told him he was crazy and that I promised my parents I would wait. He said I thought you were cool, but your not and your parents are horrible. We broke up. I told my parents what happened, and they were both glad and angry about us being together.

I have been at college for 2 years and have not found a new boyfriend. My friend and her boyfriend go to a different college, but we still communicate. My friend recommended putting my picture on Myspace or on dating websites. I asked my parents if I could do that, they both said no it was too dangerous. She said that there are dating places that are safe, but in the mean time finish college. I said that dating agencies and events were lame and old school. She said do you hear all the time about people dying because they met some one online. I didn't want to meet them up in person just online and if I did, it would help me feel like I was loved. What I really want the most is to forget about my ex.

So, is online dating dangerous? Do these dating agencies and singles events work? Do you think me and my ex will ever meet again and patch things up? Will I meet someone who won't hurt me like my ex? Are my parents correct or am I right? I need advice.

- Molly

Expert Reply

Dear Molly,

You don’t say in your letter whether or not your high school boyfriend was older than you and already out of high school. If he were older, this would explain some of your parent’s reason for being uneasy and protective.

Dating Your Parents

Whether this was the case or not, this boyfriend was not just dating you, he was dating your parents as well. I can understand his frustration. What I don’t agree with is how he handled it. He wanted you to lose your virginity to him. Not because he was in love with you and wanted to spend his life with you. More likely, he felt the need to compete with your devotion to your parents. In a way, he asked you to choose between your loyalty to your parents and your love for him. This is not love, but an attempt to control you.

One of the challenges of having a relationship when you are in high school is that some of the choices you make have to do with the other person and some have to do with your parents. As you grow older and become more independent, your decisions are your own. For parents as well as for the child, the move from childhood to adulthood can be difficult. From the parents prospective they want to protect their child from pain and mistakes. From the child prospective, she wants her parents' approval. Currently, you are at a crossroads, moving from adolescence into young adulthood. This is a natural developmental stage, marked by your desire to be in a loving and meaningful relationship with a partner.

Internet Generation

Your generation uses the Internet, instant and text message to connect with people. Previous generations cannot comprehend the use of this technology as a way to connect. As a result of not understanding this advancement, fear of the unknown and sensationalized news stories influence parents decision-making. Myspace, Facebook and other websites are ways that not only young people connect, but potential employers are using these online sites to screen potential employees. So how can you educate your parents about these sites? What research do you need to do in order to explain the benefits, safety precautions and drawbacks of these sites?

Many college students use MySpace, Facebook and Friendster to meet other kids going to the same college. Some use these sites to meet new students prior to entering college who are coming from the same hometown or high school. Others use the sites to interview potential roommates or sorority sisters. While the Internet is a good way to meet people, it is not the only way. College campuses offer an abundance of in-person opportunities. While it may sound old school, it really isn’t. There are classes, organization committees, athletic and campus activities, etc. The face-to-face meeting provides useful information to help you evaluate a potential partner and his honesty.

Safe Dating Skills

Before focusing on meeting “a guy,” I would suggest honing your “safe dating” skills. College campuses can give an illusion of being safer than living on your own or at home with your parents, often this is not the case.

• Begin by expanding your social network. Having friends on campus to do things with, offers opportunities to meet new guys as well as having a local support system. In addition, should the relationship not develop the way you would like, having friends to support you through the heartache is a major plus.
• Take a self-defense class. You can check out classes through your university, campus security or off campus police department. Not only will you know that you have the skills to protect yourself, but you will give your parents peace of mind knowing that you self-aware and physically able to defend yourself.

Letting Go

As for whether or not I think you and your ex will ever meet again and patch things up, I don’t know. I do know that as long as any guy is dating you and your parent’s, he is probably not going to stick around for long. The decision of who to date is yours to make. That being said, you have to be willing to live with the consequences of your choice. I think one reason you are having difficulty meeting a new guy is that you are holding a torch for a person who ended the relationship two years ago. As a result you are comparing potential guys to a person you felt strongly about when you were in high school. I don’t think you are that same girl anymore. So it would be natural that what you want from a relationship today as a college student is not the same as what you were looking for as a high school student. Until you are ready to let go of the past, there is not room for a new man to enter your life.

Love is one of those rare experiences that can take you from the highest highs to the lowest lows. It is also one of the greatest experiences you can ever have. And if you’re lucky enough, you will have many of these wonderful experiences!

~~Lori

Does He Still Care?

Reader Question

Hi. My boyfriend and I were together for about 11 months. We ended up moving in together and we started arguing a lot when we lived together so I broke up with him. He started going to parties and drinking a lot. So finally, I moved out. I cried a lot and begged and told him I wanted to be with him. But finally I came to my senses, stopped crying and begging him to come back. I stopped calling him and texting him. Then, he ended up calling me. So we talked for 10 minutes and he asked me for advice about an issue he had. Recently he went home to visit his family and we didn't talk for 15 days. Then he texted me last night and said hey. I am so confused... does he still like me or should I move on? I have asked him if he still likes me and he said no, but I just have the feeling that he still cares. What should I do..?? Thank you.

-- Contributed by: jennie

Expert Reply

Dear Jennie,

Your ex called and text you because he was either lonely, bored or was thinking about a hook-up. To mistake this contact for anything else is a setup for more pain and humiliation. It is clear that you have not come to your senses and moved on. He knows this and I know this. It seems that the only person who isn’t aware of this is you.

My advice to you is to let go of your fantasy that he will one day regret his decision that he let a great girl like you go. He may never be that smart. You on the other hand are, so put those smarts to use and focus on meeting someone whose only regret is that he didn’t meet you sooner!

~~Lori