Let a Man Chase You

From LoveToKnow Dating

Should you let a man chase you? Let the advice our Dating Coach gave to this reader help you decide.

feeling ignored?

Try to Let a Man Chase You

Reader Question

Hi Lori,

I met a man about a year ago; there was a lot of attraction on both sides however due to us being at a work function we just had a brief chat about work. A couple of months later we happened to talk on the phone and he said that he should have asked me out for a drink and I responded positively to that, however that drink didn’t transpire until a couple of weeks ago (nearly a year later! At this point I should mention that he live about 150 miles away). We went on a date, had some drinks and tapas, surprisingly there was still a lot of attraction between us and resulted in a passionate kiss. We both expressed that the date went well and agreed to do it again. We had lunch the following day and talked about setting something up soon.

My concerns being that I feel that I am chasing him, although on our date he did say that I should have called, e-mailed or text him and that he was hoping for an invite from me. So when I did call or text he often doesn’t reply or is very late in replying, to the point where I asked him if he had changed his mind. He said he hadn’t, which now leads to my other dilemma!

I am hopeful about this man as we are similar in age and the more I learn about him the more I like and think we have potential for a relationship. However with us living so far apart, we plan to stay in a hotel in a city half way or at each others house. I want to be intimate with him in the context of a relationship not just a bit of fun.

As he is not playing by any dating rules and I am in danger of becoming a stupid female chasing him. I am getting more and more confused as to the next steps I should be taking and/or if I should ask him for clarification. Please help!

~~Catherine

Expert Reply

Dear Catherine,

I loved the book He’s Just Not That into You, because it says what I’ve been telling women for years: when a guy is ‘into’ you, he will pursue you. He will make time to be with you and talk with you, no matter how important his career is or how important he may think he is. When a man is into a woman, the thought of another man being with her makes him jealous. This is why he will plan dates in advance and not risk you being unavailable should he wait to long. On the flip side, when a woman is being pursued, she knows that the guy is interested in her. There is no need to guess.

Some guys are interested but lack the confidence or sometimes the skill to demonstrate their interest in a particular woman. So, for this guy, a little encouragement can go along way. In this situation, once a woman opens the door for the guy, he can usually walk though on his own. There is a difference between opening the door for the guy and opening the door, grabbing his hand and dragging him through it. If you are wondering to yourself, would this guy call me, or respond to my text if I didn’t ask him if he changed his mind? That is a clear message you are doing more than offering encouragement.

You state in your question that this guy is not playing by any dating rules. I beg to differ with you. He is playing by his rules. This guy is interested in you when it is convenient to his schedule. He responds to you when you question his level of interest. You are a Ms. Right Now which is OK if you have no interest in being a Ms. Right.

It is likely that as long as you do the planning and the pursuing, he will show up. This means if you are the one to plan a get-together at a city halfway between the two homes or one of you goes the full distance and stays at the home of the other, he will show up if it works around his schedule. Even if there is intimacy during this time, it is likely that his behavior toward you will not change. Meaning if he has not pursued you before intimacy, he won’t pursue you after. The reason it likely won’t change after sex is that sex for a man is physical and for a woman sex it is an emotional connection. If you can live with this knowledge and have no more expectation than that, then you would not be “in danger of becoming a stupid female chasing him.” If on the other hand, you are holding in your heart that something romantic develops after intimacy, then yes, you risk becoming seriously disappointed.

If you want to know what his level of interest in you really is, then let him show you. Let him know that you are interested in getting together and look forward to hearing about the arrangements he has made for your next date. Likewise for communication, you only call, email, or text message in response to his initiation of communication with you. This goes ditto for communication about the get together. No hints, suggestions, and/or ideas from you about what to do, where to go or where to stay. You only respond once he notifies you of the arrangements and plans for the date he has made or if he tells you what his ideas are and asks for your feedback.

By giving him room to pursue you, you can better gauge his level of interest.

~~Lori

Retrieved from "http://dating.lovetoknow.com/Let_a_Man_Chase_You"

 


Comments

I can't speak for all guys, but there are a couple of rules I know my friends and I fall into:

1) For those of us with confidence (I wasn't always in this category), we'll do the pursuing happily. Even for those without much confidence, we'll do things that are pretty obvious, if awkward. So, if you're a lady and you're getting the impression that a new guy isn't chasing you at all, he probably isn't and it might be worth moving on.

2) Being chased and knowing someone wants you is a grand feeling, so while you're enjoying it, don't forget that the guy wants to feel it as well. If you chase us from time to time, you'll probably be surprised at how much enthusiasm we suddenly gain for chasing you once more. For me and mine, we tend to love letting someone know they're valued and worth our time and effort. We'll keep it up for a long while, but if it's not reciprocated, we'll move on eventually.

3) Forgive when we mess it up. If a guy is obviously trying to show interest, give him a little bit of leeway with his efforts. We don't know what the object of our affection would like best, especially early on in a relationship. We're bound to make mistakes and if you walk because of them, you might miss out on the greatest thing in your life. Tell us what you like or what you'd prefer if we make a mistake while helping us see that you appreciated the effort we went to. You'll go miles on that part alone.

Hope that helps on some level. The general idea I think most people forget is that guys can't read minds. Let us know when we're doing well and when we're not, then watch us improve all for you. We can take the ego bruising that comes with making a mistake and being called on it. If your guy can't, it's probably best to move along anyway.

-- Contributed by: AJ

T-LA, thanks for the question. I'm glad to hear that this guy appears to be trying to make it work despite the difficult schedules. My first thought is to ask if you have told him exactly how you feel, how much it means to you that he is willing to put in time? If you haven't told him, let him know soon. As for showing him your thankfulness, I would try and do something special for him when you have time together. If you know some of his favorites, such as dinners, restaurants, movies, music, etc. then try and schedule something that will be special to him. You might also try surprising him with some unexpected time off to go on a date. And if you know of an upcoming time that is good for the both of you, start talking about it now and make plans for a nice date.

-- Contributed by: Rick Fulks

Finding time to spend with this guy I've been seeing for the past 7 months has been a less than easy task. With my schedule @ work and also pt student and his schedule w/ work offsetting my work hours its been hard to find quality time. I am impressed because he tries to find time to spend with me. My question is: how can I show him how much it means to me that he's willing to put in time for our relationship to grow and not make him feel I'm going overboard ad trying to lock him down if he isn't quite ready for a committed relationship.

-- Contributed by: T-LA

Comment on Let a Man Chase You



(Displayed with your comment)                        (Will not be displayed)
Verification Code:   
    

 
Dating Categories
LoveToKnow Tools
More Articles