Learn How to Date

First Learn How to Date

Reader Question

I am a 21-year-old college graduate on her way to medical school. For most of my life, I have been what most people consider a "nerd." I was in high school by the age of 12 and in college by 16 and done with two science degrees by 20. I have always being more comfortable in academic settings versus social ones. I never really dated anybody seriously, although my best friend and I tried (unsuccessfully) dating during college. I am a virgin and I have always had a lot of self-discipline as it relates to sexuality. I recently met a 27-year-old aerospace engineer and he is handsome, charming, brilliant and funny as can be. During the first month or so of our courtship, he was attentive, he called once a day just to say hi and he took me on some beautiful dates. He is not a virgin and has had three serious relationships in his past. He said that although he's never had a relationship with a virgin, he is quite alright with me being one and that he would never pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to do. Recently though, my attentive fellow has become very absentee-like, he hardly ever calls. I have to call him to initiate a conversation; he works all weekend, every weekend so no more dates. I have asked him about this recent development, and he says he's just working really hard. I rather admire a hardworking guy and I am very busy myself, but it seems to be a bit much to me. He went 10 days without a single phone call to me and as I'm rather inexperienced in the dating realm, is this normal? I have surprisingly developed feelings for this guy, but I’m afraid that I might be in over my head here. I don't like the idea of pursuing a guy, I rather like to think that a man would want to pursue me and want to spend time with me, without me initiating it. Am I over-reacting here and should I just go ahead and call it quits? I'm afraid that my inexperience sexually might be a turn-off for him and he is tactfully trying to send me a message that he is not interested in me anymore. I hate being in this predicament and this is one of the reasons I have avoided romantic entanglements until now. Please help!

-- Contributed by: CYNTHIA

Expert Reply

Dear Cynthia,

Attraction is a strong force. When we are attracted to another person, our bodies and our minds respond with excitement and anticipation. This force is like walking into a dark room and turning on a light. Still, this excitement is not always at the same level for two people. When two people experience the same level of interest, there appears to be a balance in attentiveness and each will make time for the other. This chemistry between two people draws them toward each other.

When the level of interest is not mutual or equal, there is an imbalance in the attention seeking. Some people refer to dating as ‘game playing.’ I like to think of it as a dance two people mutually participate in. When you have a new partner, you have to learn the subtle signals he gives in order to follow his lead. Miss the signal and you step on his foot and appear clumsy. Pay attention to the signal and it’s like watching Dancing with the Stars, graceful and light on your toes. Dating involves many social cues and graces. When two people are in harmony, attraction grows. When one person is out of sync, attraction can diminish and in most cases diminish quickly.

In the beginning of the relationship, you and your guy seemed to experience a similar level of interest and attraction in the other. As time went on, your level of interest continued to increase while his began to decrease. This would explain why he went ten days without calling or contacting you and why you feel a drive to call or contact him. What accounts for his change? I'm not sure, but I don’t believe it is because you are a virgin.

I think it is far more likely that his change in interest had more to do with your lack of experience with dating and relationships. While your guy may have been serious with his studies, he also found time to be in three different and serious relationships. His limited experience gives him a leg-up on reading social signals, picking up dating cues which would give him confidence to date. In comparison, you have not had any serious relationships and had one dating experience with your best friend from college. For you, dating is nerve racking and anxiety producing. Given your lack of experience, I am guessing you may have missed or overlooked some of the important cues your date was sending and as a result did not respond or reciprocate to these signals in a timely or appropriately manner. Your lack of knowledge is more likely a contributing factor for what changed between the two of you.

I want to point out that the dating cues or signals I am referring to aren’t sexual, although as relationships progress, intimacy does have its own set of cues. What I am referring to are the signals of attraction, eye contact, and tone of voice, humor, playfulness, vulnerability and the like. To continue to avoid romantic entanglements would only mean that you prolong learning relationship skills. You may be lacking in experience, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have the type of relationship you’re looking for.

The guy you wrote about is not interested in you. To continue to pursue him would only lead to more frustration. It’s time to let him go and chalk up the experience to opening your eyes to the wonderful feelings of romance. Using the same dedication and commitment you applied to your academic studies, you can do with learning about dating and relationships. Apply yourself and soon you will feel the same level of comfort dating as you have in academic settings.

~~Lori

High School Dating

Reader Question

So… I really like this guy. I think he is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I've gotten to know him pretty well over the last couple months, and I feel like I’m getting a lot of "signs" from him. We flirt a lot and when we're alone, I feel like he likes me back. Unfortunately I found out about a month ago that he has a girlfriend. He seems to really like her, but continues to flirt with me all the time. He's always interested in what I have going on and asks me about advice sometimes. We always try to get together and do stuff alone, and many times, he's the one who brings it up. In addition, I'm a senior and he is a sophomore in high school...is he maybe scared to be with me? I know that if he has a girlfriend that I should probably back off, but I feel like if I stop liking him then nothing at all will happen. I feel like there might be something there, but that his relationship status is standing in the way. What should I do to find out if he likes me, and to get him to like me back?

-- Contributed by: Anna

Expert Reply

Dear Anna,

As you are a senior, your sophomore is interested in an ‘older woman’. This won’t be a big deal in college or later in life, but in high school, this is very big. The attention you’re giving him is being reciprocated because he is interested in you too. However, he is following your lead. Should you return his interest by suggesting he drop his girlfriend and go out with you, he might just take you up on the offer. Most likely because having an older girl show interest in a younger guy would put him in an enviable position among his friends, not to mention elevate his ego.

Here’s the catch. Being older puts a lot of pressure on you too. How you handle his crush will teach him how to behave with any girl. You’re teaching him how to be in a relationship. Should you imply that he break up with his girlfriend, you model that it’s OK to leave a girl for another girl. Likewise, should you continue to flirt with him and get him to cross the line with you, you teach him how to cheat. Should you set limits with him, you model what it means to be in a relationship with another person. You are the example of how you would want him behave around another girl, if you were his girlfriend.

~~Lori