Indian Traditions

Check out these great Indian Traditions dating questions from visitors to our Dating Coach at Ask the Dating Coach.

Deep Rooted Indian Traditions

Visitor Question

Do Indian men date single parents?

Expert Reply

In your question “Do Indian men date single parents?” you don’t say if you are of Indian decent. Since you don’t say, I am assuming by your question that you are not, but rather are interested in dating someone who is. If is the case, then it is not just a matter of you being a single parent, but also of a different nationality, with different customs, traditions and beliefs. The answer to your question is not a simple yes or no, but rather some Indian men will date a single parent and some won’t date a woman who is a single parent. This holds true for dating outside of the Indian culture.

Western Dating

Dating as we Westerners think of it, involves trial and error. Our parents and our society encourage singles to go out with a number of different people. We are encouraged to date people that are similar to us in their religion, values, and socio-economic status and also who different then ourselves. However, in Western society, we also are free to choose our dating partners. Dating for this purpose would not be appropriate in India.

Although India has experienced changes in its traditions in part due to Western influences, the culture has held steadfast to many of its traditions and customs. What applies to one region of India may not apply to another region. This is because India has about 29 states, each with a different language, customs etc. It also is a land of diverse religions. In general the people of India tend to marry within their community, whether that community exists within India or those of Indian decent living in other countries.

Arranged Marriages

While arranged marriages are still common in India, love marriages have gained in popularity. However, dating in India is for the purpose of “getting to know” your future husband. One of the reasons the notion of dating is still foreign to the Indian people, is because it implies mental and (quite possible) physical contact with many different people of the opposite sex. Many Indian parents and Indian society don’t believe in a “trial and error” approach to love.

Dating

This is not to say that Indian men don’t date. Indian men are more likely to date outside of India than those living in India. Since dating is not a customary practice in India, you may discover that Indian men are not as savvy in the dating practices as those cultures where dating in encouraged. A big factor as to whether he will date is his parent’s opinions, beliefs, and tolerance. If you are interested in dating an Indian man, I would suggest that you try to learn about his family and culture as this will give you an idea of his beliefs about marriage and family. What beliefs do his parent’s hold for him regarding marriage and family? This will help you determine what the likelihood of him dating is as well as what limits he may have for any long-term relationship.

~~ Lori

Indian Relationship Struggles

Reader Question

Although I have the uttermost respect for the Indian culture I do disagree with something. Indian parents are very, very strict about who their children are allowed to hang around with or date. In a lot of cases they aren't even allowed to date at all (this usually pertains to girls). If they are allowed to date they are generally only allowed to date other Indians who either are family friends, same last name, same village, same religion, or some type of doctor. I'm not just stereotyping. This all is just coming from what I've experienced. I'm a white male who has just until recently been dating an Indian female for about a year, but our relationship has now ended because she is completely terrified of her father finding out.

Apparently her uncle had become a little suspicious after she had given me a ride home without her brother in the car with us. He would totally shut her out from the world if he found out and not even to mention what it might do to her family name. It is especially hard to let this girl out of my life considering she has been with me through some horrible times with my own family. Her mother has no problem with us, but women really don't have too much authority in an Indian relationship, so she won't be able to help us out at all.

In my mind, I don't think it's fair or morally right to have to let such an important person out of my life because I’m a white male. I really wish the culture could be more accepting to an outside race dating into them. We were having a great time in the relationship and it's all coming to an end against both of our wishes. I know there is virtually nothing I can do to act upon this because she can't go against her father's wishes, but I'm still hoping for some help with this or advice.

~~Austin

Expert Reply

Dear Austin,

Ending a relationship is hard enough. Ending a relationship due to something you can’t control is by far the hardest and the most difficult kind of ending. This may be why you feel so angry and why it is so hard to understand how something like culture, race or religion might interfere with a loving relationship. Yours is a modern day Romeo and Juliet story. So you can see that forbidden love has existed for as long as time itself. That does not make your situation any easier to cope with, but at least you know that you’re not alone in your feelings.

You have pointed out the cultural and values differences of the traditional Indian culture. It is important to keep in mind that your experience with dating a girl from a different culture is not unique to those of Indian descent. In our own Western society there are many people who have had to end a relationship due to parents not approving a girlfriend or boyfriend from a different religion, race or nationality.

For many parents the disproval rests on the fear that the values and traditions of a mixed relationship will negate the passing down of religious and cultural values as well as traditions for future generations and as a result would end that legacy. For other parents the reasons for not wanting their child to marry or even date outside of their religion, race or nationality varies, but the result is still the same.

From your question I am assuming that neither you nor your girlfriend has spoken directly with her father. So you do not know what his concerns are about the two of you dating. Without this information you can not begin to reduce, nor address his concerns. You state that the girl’s "mother has no problem with us, but women really don't have too much authority in an Indian relationship, so she won't be able to help us out at all." Your statement not only underestimates the power of women, but also the skill with which women handle differences. In Western culture we are used to direct – in your face confrontation between a woman and man. For many cultures, this is disrespectful. Instead, the way to address differences is in private so as to not to embarrass the other person.

By talking with the mother, you can learn not only what concerns the father may have about the two of you dating, but also how to address those concerns. If the mother sees that you are genuine, respectful and willing to accommodate their family’s values, customs and traditions, she may be willing to advocate for the two of you. In addition, you may learn how best to approach the father in order to demonstrate your sincerity to his daughter and respect for him as head of the household. You will also be demonstrating to your girlfriend that you are mature and committed to her and won’t easily give up.

This may or may not work, and you won’t know until you try. If it works you will feel good. Should it not work you can still feel good for taking on such a huge challenge in the name of love.

~~Lori

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