Independent Soul

From LoveToKnow Dating

A great question from a visitor to our Dating Coach expert, Lori Gorshow.

Independent Soul

Question

Hi Lori,

I am 32 year female (Caucasian- European) and have lived in the US for 3 years now. Even though everybody around tells me says I am a good catch, I have found it difficult to attract the attention of men. My job requires very little to almost no contact with people and my friends are either females or families, so it's very difficult to even find a new friend. The fact that I am educated and I have a classy approach to life makes me even less "acceptable.” A relative of mine subscribed me to a dating agency and they matched me with different men, but it has been a waste of time so far. I dated various men but nothing leading to a long term relationship. I would also like to mention that I take care of my appearance, dress nicely, and don't stay home just waiting for things to happen. I am a person who enjoys life and I am content with my life right now with the only exception that it seems I am very far away to finding a significant partner to share the nice things. At this point I feel stuck and it is rather frustrating to be "independent" when my soul longs for a serious long term relationship, not just the usual "fun" every man I meet talks about. I would appreciate an opinion of yours on how I should approach the "dating" scene and be successful finding a long term relationship. Thank you in advance.

Expert Reply

The thinking that if one is attractive, educated, independent, nice gal or (you fill in the blank), that in some way makes it harder to “attract” a wonderful person to date or for a relationship is simply is not true! One problem with this thinking is that it feeds into what I refer to as the myth of dating scarcity.

Dating Scarcity

In the “dating scarcity model,” there are only a few good singles and fewer places to meet them. As a result of this thinking, dating becomes fear-based. When you believe that your choices are too restricted, you can get frustrated with the thought of how hard it is to meet a “good single” person. Without realizing it, you may give off a vibe to others of being too serious as if to say “I’m working on finding a long-term relationship.” Or, you fear you will have to settle for someone less than what you want or deserve and as a result you worry that you will never find the right person. Either way, you’re only limited because you’ve allowed your thinking to be limited.

Body Language

To change this thinking, there are two things you can do. The first is to “be approachable.” What this means is that often and without realizing it, you may through your body language come across as closed off or unapproachable. As a result, men will not take the initiative to talk to you. Signs you may be unapproachable; not making eye-contact. Not smiling. Other signs; looking down or away from people or keeping your arms stiff and tight either in front of your body or to the sides of your body.

Our body language accounts for 57% of our non-verbal communication. This means that what we don’t say has a greater impact than what we do say. To get men to approach you, try making eye contact for at least a second and a half. Keep your face relaxed (rather than serious). Smile. If you see someone you are attracted to say, “Hi.” You can do this whether you’re standing in line or walking past each other; just make sure that the volume of your voice is high enough for him to hear you speak.

Expand Opportunities

The second thing you can do is to expand your opportunities to meet singles. When you leave your home, there are possibilities to meet singles everywhere; the grocery store, airports when you travel, the dry cleaners, coffee shops, bookstores, etc. I find that singles often and without realizing it, think there are certain places to meet other singles, for instance a dating service or club, thereby not noticing the obvious opportunities that are right in front of them. Since you work in a place that has few men, consider expanding your opportunities to meet men through other activities you enjoy. If you like socializing, become a volunteer with an organization that does fundraising events that singles would attend. This way you meet people through helping others as well as meeting those that would attend the events. If you are physically active, look into participating in activities that would draw men, such as kickball, hiking, softball leagues or other sport activities. The point is that you want attend or be involved in activities that you enjoy and that draw both single men and women.

Top 10 Values

One final tip, to identify what your soul longs for; make a list of your top 10 values, write down the interests you have and the activities you like to do. When you meet someone new, ask yourself if he shares your values, interests or activity level? The more you have in common, the more likely the connection. When you are approachable, others will notice your enthusiasm and be drawn to you. When you are engaged in activities you like doing, whether that is at a fundraiser or doing everyday activities, you are more likely to be in the company of men that share your interests and this will present opportunities for you to attract the quality of men you are interested in. Once you begin attracting the type of man your soul longs for, the more likely you are to discover the long term relationship you are ready to be in.

~~Lorie

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