How to Tell if He Is Cheating

How to tell if he is cheating on you? Let our dating coach offer up an opinion.

Dear Lori, I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and he has suddenly changed on me. He has a cell phone. I looked at the voice message on the phone screen one time and asked him may I see who it was? He responded that it is nothing serious. I also asked him may I borrow the cell phone and he also responded that he has to get all the information out of the phone first before I could borrow it. So my question to you is, could that be a sign that he is cheating on me? I want to know so I can move on with my life and not to be feeling hurt inside.

-- Contributed by: hurt inside

Dear Hurt Inside,

I don’t know what you mean when you ask, "is this a sign my boyfriend is cheating?" If you suspect your boyfriend is cheating, you should ask him directly. I do think that your intuition is telling you your boyfriend is being sneaky and dishonest. Listen to that voice and trust it. There is something wrong when he has information on his cell phone that he needs to remove before you can use the phone. The same is true for telling you that a voice message on his phone is nothing serious. Your boyfriend is engaging in dishonest behaviors when he does not tell you the truth by either omission (when he says he needs to get information off his phone) or telling you part but not all of the truth (when he tells you a message is nothing serious). This is why you are hurting inside.

If your boyfriend is flirting with other women, whether he intends to follow through or not, he is engaging in risky behaviors that may lead him to do something he later regrets. He is also being emotionally unfaithful to you. To me this is betraying your trust. If he doesn’t think he is betraying you, then perhaps a better question is why does he feel the need to keep information from you that is on his phone? You should be asking this question to him. His answer or lack of an answer will tell you if it is time to move on or not.

~~Lori

Is it true when a guy is going out with another girl you could tell during sex either if he has an orgasm faster or takes forever?

-- Contributed by: Josephine

Dear Josephine,

It would be wonderful if a penis were a lie detector, unfortunately it is not. The reality is that a man who orgasms quickly has not learned how to manage his excitement and wait for his partner to orgasm. This phenomenon is called premature-ejaculation and has nothing to do with cheating. Typically, young men face this challenge (although it is not just a young man’s problem). As men mature, they also learn to control and delay gratification until their partner is satisfied.

The other end of this spectrum, having difficulty with getting excited or having an orgasm likewise is not related to cheating, but too many causes. Difficulty with having an orgasm can be due to medication, a medical condition, not being attracted or into his partner, or the result of just being tired.

~~Lori

My man lives in a different state. I just received this email from his roommate who claims to be his girlfriend. He doesn’t know I received this email. What should I do?

“You don’t know me but I live with XXX and he has told me very little about you but I am will tell you this my name is XXXXX and I have been living with XXXX for a year now and I just want to know what is up between you and him. I am sick of him giving me the run around so would you enlighten me on whether you and him are friends or is it more than that? I am just wondering because if I am wasting my time by living with XXXX I would really like to know. He told me that you just started to email him and he has not talked to you in a long time. So would you just tell me the truth, thank you.”

-- Contributed by: iris mariners

Dear Iris,

It sounds from your question that your man and you are in a new relationship. I am assuming from his roommates email that she has not been told about you. It also sounds like you have not been to this man’s house yet? I don’t think you need to respond to her directly, that is his job. I do think you are owed an explanation from him. How he handles this situation will tell you a lot about the man you are dating.

From my perspective, there are two possible explanations as to what is going on here. The first is that your man has been honest and upfront with you. He is so honest, that you have all his phone numbers and can reach him any time of the day or night, likewise he calls you throughout the day and night as well. Given that the two of you have a long distance relationship, he understands the importance of keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you. Assuming that the relationship with the roommate is platonic and has not been intimate, your man will be very surprised to read her email and will want to straighten everything out between all of you. For this scenario, I would suggest that you send him her email and cc her as well with the following response. "I received this email and wanted your feedback. Can you tell me why your roommate would send this to me? You will also notice that I have cc’d your roommate as well. I did this because I don’t want to keep secrets between us nor do I wish to get in the middle of something between you and your roommate. Your response to this will go a long way toward helping me decide where you and I go from here."

If your man has been less than honest with you, sending the same email from above should get a response. He will either ignore you and you will likely not hear from him again, because he got caught in deceptive behavior and you called him on it or he will call you trying to ‘explain’ this misunderstanding. Should he do the latter, tell him you are happy that he called to explain and you would like him to do this with the roommate on the line since the three of you cannot be in the same room to talk about this. By holding him accountable, you will have successfully put him in the position to either step up to the plate or come up with numerous excuses as to why he won’t do what you ask. Should he refuse, take this as a sign and run!

~~Lori

My man and I got a room. Then he left me there for 4 hrs. When he got back, he looked all in the room under the bed and everything. He didn’t find nothing. The second time he looked again he found a condom wrapper behind the bed. Then he said I have been messing with somebody. But I was calling him every five minutes to come back but he wouldn’t. Then when I called him, he asked somebody a question, but he said nobody was with him. And he always accuses me… somebody help!

-- Contributed by: stormy

Dear Stormy,

Trust is the foundation of a successful relationship and you and your man don’t seem to have it. Given that he disappeared for four hours and you have no idea where he was or who he was with, is a valid reason to distrust him. His behavior of searching the room and looking for indications that you were cheating on him, tells me that his suspicion is a way for him to project on to you his own guilt. Plain and simple; he is being dishonest with you and believes if he can get over on you then you must be doing the same to him. You will never be able to convince your man differently because he will base his distrust on his own behavior. If he can lie, cheat and sneak around, so can you. My advice, give it up and move on.

~~Lori

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