How to Tell Her You Love Her

From LoveToKnow Dating

If you pissed off your girlfriend, you may be wondering "how to tell her you love her?" This reader had the same issue. Check out what LoveToKnow's dating coach had to say.

How to Tell Her You Love Her

Reader Question

I was in a relationship for about 7 months and she wanted to take to the next level but I was scared and foolish. She won't take my phone calls, or e-mails and I miss her terribly. I know she cares about me but I hurt her and I just want to talk her to tell her how I feel. What do I do?

-- Contributed by: Lou

Expert Reply

Dear Lou,

It’s normal to be in a relationship and be scared, it part of the experience. Love is no guarantee of success or lasting romance, it’s just a first step. What is important is how two people communicate about their differences. How two people behave when trouble arises is a good indication of how successful the couple's relationship will be. You and your ex had an issue when she brought up her desire to develop a deeper and more meaningful relationship with you. How you worked through this issue is key to understanding why your ex won’t take your calls or respond to your emails now.

If you had behaved by assuming you understood what she was asking of you when she brought the request up, that might be part of the problem. You might have reacted rather than respond to her. Your reaction might have led you to have said or done something that was hurtful. In which case, she may not be ready to forgive you for your behavior. Having not felt listened to or understood, she may not be in a place where she can talk with you right now. Perhaps the “foolish” was so hurtful she won’t forgive you. If this were the case then you have no choice but to learn from your mistake and move on.

If you had asked her, “What do you mean by take things to the next level and how would that look if we did?” Then the issue is in the timing and not her request. The problem may be in how you are explaining why you’re not ready. This would be important because good communication is about how you express yourself and the words you use. If you haven’t been clear that it’s ‘timing’ rather than ‘not wanting’ to take the relationship to the next, she may be reacting to you from a place of hurt. It could be that she is afraid the two of you are not on the same page at the same time. She may fear and believe that you were telling her there is no long term future for the two of you. My suggestion would be to give her some time and space. Rather than leave messages or send emails, try handwriting her a letter. Handwritten letters are romantic because they take time and thought and because in an age of technology, letters are slow and old fashioned. More importantly, every woman I know would love to get a letter from the man in her life.

Should you write her a letter, be sure to send it and not just drop it off at her house. All letters should have a beginning middle and end. Letters should be romantic and not sexual, so choose your words carefully. Start your letter by telling her how beautiful she is both on the inside (her heart) and the outside (her physical attraction). Then tell her how she makes you feel as a man. This means, expressing how you have improved because of her being in your life. Then express to her how miserable your life has been without her in it. Use the close of your letter to invite her to meet with you face to face in order to talk things out. To do this, express to her that you never meant to come across in a way that was hurtful. Let her know that you realize you were not a good listener and you need to improve. Tell her you reacted to her request rather than responding to it and that is a serious mistake. You want a chance to repair that mistake by meeting with her to talk. Express to her that you have had some time to understand your own feelings and thoughts and realize that you may have reacted in a way that was hurtful to her and this was not your intent. End your letter by saying that you would like to talk with her about everything because you feel this is something the two of you can work out. Then wait to hear from her.

~~Lori

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