How to Tell Guy You Just Want to be Friends

Help for How to Tell Guy You Just Want to be Friends

Reader Question

My daughter doesn't want a boyfriend, she is interested in having boys as friends but they all want to date her or be her boyfriend. Any suggestions?

~~Pearlie

Expert Reply

Dear Pearlie,

From your question I can’t tell if your daughter is having difficulty with how to tell boys that she only wants them as friends and you want to help or if you are concerned because there are boys interested in your daughter and she doesn’t seem to be interested in them? Also, I don’t know how old your daughter is, which will make any response I offer potentially not appropriate because your daughter is older and more mature or because she is younger and less experienced. Since I don’t have some pertinent information, I will do my best to offer some suggestions.

If your daughter is having trouble coming up with responses to boys who want to be her boyfriend, try helping her come up with excuses that are clever and take the pressure off of her. For example, make it convenient for her to blame her parents by putting some rules in place. She can tell boys that her parents have a strict rule about not dating until she is a certain age. She knows its lame, but she doesn’t want to violate their rules. She can also let a boy down gently by telling him she is so involved with school and after school sports/activities that she can’t devote the proper amount of attention to a relationship. Sit down with your daughter and see how many funny, amusing or quick-witted excuses the two of you can come up. Then let her pick the ones she likes best. So the next time a boy wants to be more than just friends, she’ll be prepared with an answer.

Now, if you are concerned because your daughter doesn’t want to have a boyfriend and you think she should be ready for a boyfriend at her age, then that’s a different story. If this is the case, perhaps your daughter feels awkward and unsure of how to be in a relationship. She may feel the pressure of your concern and this adds to anxiousness. If your belief is she should be ready and you want to help, I would recommend trying two ideas. The first is to go to your local bookstore and peruse the shelves on dating for young people. There are many books written on the subject, however not all will share your family values. So take your time reading thoroughly. Then sit down with your daughter to have a talk. Your role is to make the ‘unspoken,’ spoken. You might say something like, “I know that many girls your age start to have boyfriends. I am wondering what your thoughts are on the topic?” Validate her feelings and offer to support her feelings. Let her know that you understand it can be difficult to get in a relationship with a boy, and you found a book that she might find helpful. Ask her if she would be open to reading it, and then check back after she has read the book.

Today, it is not uncommon for young people to hang out in groups and as friends. As they get older, pairing off into couples becomes more common. However, there is one other possibility to consider and that is that your daughter might be attracted to females. If this is your concern, than the only way to address this is to talk with her. Given that I had little details, I hope the one of suggestions above hit the mark.

~~Lori