How to Make the First Move

From LoveToKnow Dating

Need some advice on how to make the first move? Let these questions to our dating coach help you too.

How to Make the First Move Advice

Reader Question

I saw a guy at this church that I found very attractive in May. From the first time we saw each other, we have had eye contact as in mutual attraction. Since then, I have now joined the church in August. So, we have continued these staring glares at each other. Recently, I had to speak with him due to my car blocking his. We talked casually, which opened a window for the both of us that we seem to both be shying away. Should I just give him my number in hopes that he calls or should I wait for him to make the first move? I know there are an attraction and an interest. I’m just puzzled why he hasn’t made any moves to get to know me.

-- Contributed by: Pursue Him, Pursue Him Not

Expert Reply

Dear Pursue him; Pursue him not,

There are many reasons why this guy has not pursued you. It could be that he finds you attractive but he is currently in a relationship with someone who is not a member of the church. It could be he is shy and therefore has a fear or hesitation about asking you out. On the other hand, it could be that he is socially inept and just missing your cues of being interested and available. The reality is there could be any number of possible reasons, some I haven’t even thought of and yet the result is the same; he is not asking you out.

You could resign yourself to wait patiently for him to make a move or you could make it easier for him to ask you out. Since you are a new member of the church, you have an easy conversation starter. Being a new member creates an opportunity to get to know him and other church members; some who may even know your guy personally. The next time you go to church, make a point of going early and staying after. Use this time to introduce yourself to new people. Tell them you are a new member and are reaching out to existing members. Ask a couple of open-ended follow up questions designed to get them to open up to you as well as tell you what they like about the church, its parishioners, programs, etc. It’s important to keep the conversations short and not to spend too much time with any one person. End the conversation by excusing yourself. You can do this by telling the person you are talking to that "it was great to talk with you; however I am trying to meet other new members." When you meet someone you feel a connection with, invite that person to meet for coffee sometime to talk more in-depth as well as to get to know him or her better.

This is the same approach you will use for the guy you are interested in. Since he will see you talking with other church members he won’t mistake your invitation for anything other than friendliness. When the two of you get together, you can use the time to get to know each other. If he is in a relationship with someone else, it is likely you will learn this during your innocent get-together. If he is available and just shy or socially inept, you will get this information as well. Should the meeting come to an end and he is someone you are not interested in, tell him "this meeting was really great and I enjoyed getting to know you." Then leave. Should he be someone you are interested in and he still didn’t ask you out, take the lead. Let him know that you appreciated his time and would like to reciprocate the kindness. Then you can invite him out, to a brunch, lunch or other activity.

~~Lori

How to Meet a Girl

Reader Question

How would I walk up and introduce myself to a girl?

-- Contributed by: jarrett

Expert Reply

Dear Jarrett,

When you think about introducing yourself to a girl you like, it is important to realize that there are three parts to an introduction. The beginning, middle and end. The beginning is where you are trying to get her attention. The middle is where you are building the momentum in order to get the ending. The end is where you are trying to get her to want to talk with you in the near future. Most people think that the opener to meeting a girl is the hardest part. The truth is that the opener is the easiest. What is hard is what follows the opener. It is at that point you either sink or swim. That’s because once the girl acknowledges you, you then have to keep the conversation going in order to get to the end. The real pressure is the middle.

Openers are easy. They can be as simple as saying hi or strategic as trying to be in the right place at the right time and talk about whatever is happening at that moment. I recommend the easiest opener to start. Simply walk up to a girl you’re interested in, preferably when she is alone, and say, “Hi.” It’s as simple as that. I can tell you that for most girls, having a guy talk to her is major. Girls are frustrated by a guy who they think might be interested in them but won’t say anything.

Once you say hi, you need to prepare for what follows. The goal of the middle part is to connect why you are talking to her. This means you have to let her know in some manner why you are approaching her. Do you want her assistance, or to ask her a question, or because you want to get to know her better? Depending on how confident you are will determine what you say after you say hi. If you’re a little confident, then try connecting the conversation with how the two of you might know each other. For example, if you have a class together you could talk about that. You could say, “Hi. I am Jarrett and I’m in your English class.” Then you can ask her if she has read the assignment or something else regarding the assignment or related to a project for class.

For the ending, you want to leave the door open for further conversation. Here you can say, “Well, I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” If your goal is to get to know her because you are interested in her as a possible girlfriend, then you can be more directed, “Would you like to get together and study sometime?” On the other hand, if you are really confident you could ask her for her number so that you could call her later and talk about the assignment.

Keep in mind that the first 5 or 6 times you introduce yourself to a girl you’ll be nervous, but as time goes by and with practice it will become easier and easier.

~~Lori

Retrieved from "http://dating.lovetoknow.com/How_to_Make_the_First_Move"