How to Flirt with Guys

How To Flirt with Guys

Reader Question

Dear Lori,

I'm 18 and I've never had a boyfriend, nor have I ever gone on a date and I can't flirt at all. I recognize flirting, but I am kind of scared to flirt with guys. Most of the time I get tongue tied when I'm speaking to a guy (of late, it also includes some friends and relatives too). As a result I don't have too many guy friends to hang out with and I am scared soon that I won’t have any friends at all. Because of this I keep away from parties and clubs, and recently even going out in public. I am starting at a university soon and I am really scared that I'll be the only single around.

I am horribly insecure about my looks even though I am sort of pretty looking. I am also horrified every time some guy has shown a remote interest in me because I know he can find some other prettier girl out there. I have had guys like me before and believe me, I am not a Lesbian. I have had lots of crushes on guys but never really flirted with them. I am extremely low on confidence. Even the people I knew in school who were obnoxious and dumb have found somebody, why can't I? Am I that repulsive? Do I give the wrong vibes? Advice please!

--Denni

Expert Reply

Dear Denni,

Flirting does not come easy to many people. Like you, I too had trouble flirting with guys. So I can tell you from experience that flirting is something you can learn. The key is to separate flirting from acting sexy. When a woman uses sex-appeal to flirt with a man, the result often leads to miscommunication and unintended expectations. Given that you have never had a boyfriend and never been on a date, I am wondering if part of the reason you are having a hard time is your fear that if a guy shows interest in you it may lead to something more intimate. That would be like putting the cart before the horse.

Three Levels to Flirting

There are three levels to flirting. The first level of flirting is being friendly. In general, we like to associate with people that make us feel good about ourselves. When you behave in ways that are generally accepted as being friendly, you will attract people to you. Rather than focus on being friendly with guys, just practice being friendly in general. Hold the door for someone whose hands are full. Say “hello” to people who you come in contact with. Smile to be nice and don’t forget to say “thank you” when people do something you appreciate. Offer genuine compliments to people. All of these are examples of little ways you can be friendly with anyone everyday. Receiving positive attention from others for being friendly may help to build your confidence.

Second Level

The next level of flirting is more focused; I call this flirting with intention. Intentional flirting is using subtle behaviors that show interest in someone you are attracted to. If the feelings are reciprocated that person will respond positively to your gestures. If the feelings are not reciprocated, it is likely that the other person will not have even noticed that you were showing him more attention then you showed other people. Examples of flirting with intention are: smiling at someone specific while making direct eye contact for 2-3 seconds. When talking to a guy you like, turn to face him and look him in the eyes while he is talking with you. Teasing and use of humor are other examples of more focused flirting. Ask questions that show interest, for example; questions about a person’s background, where they grew up, how the family celebrated holidays, what hobbies or sports they did as a child. Share information about yourself when you discover a common interest. All of these examples are more direct ways of flirting with a guy.

Third Level

The third level of flirting is more intimate. This is for the guy you are interested in and starting to date. This type of flirting is a type of sensual interacting, not sexual. Often you will see this flirting going on between couples who seem to be so engaged with each other they don’t notice others around them. Eye contacted is longer than 3 seconds. Holding hands, rubbing his back, or neck are physical expressions of flirting. Being in close physical proximity is an example of intimate flirting.

Building Confidence

You wrote that you are horrified every time some guy has shown a remote interest in me because I know he can find some other prettier girl out there. There are two types of attractiveness. The first is external or physical attractiveness. Physical attractiveness is individual and therefore what one person finds attractive another may not be interested at all. This is why some guys prefer brunettes, some like redheads, and others like blonds. Some guys like females whose body type is thin, some like athletic and some prefer women that are heavy. Physical attractiveness is like an invitation to attend a dance. It may get a girl in the door, but it won’t keep her at the party. For that you need the second type of attractiveness.

The second type of attraction is internal. People like someone who they share commonalities with. Humor, interest, intelligence, hobbies and the like are qualities that men fall in love with. When a man is attracted to the internal qualities of a potential partner, he finds that she becomes more physically attractive to him. A guy will be attracted to you because he finds you attractive on the outside. He will stick around because he finds you attractive on the inside as well.

However, you can get a guy to become less interested in you if you let your insecurities be the focus of why he should not be with you. You do this by pointing out to him that he could be with someone more attractive or by pointing out your faults. Our flaws are the qualities we each posses that make us unique. Being unique is more interesting and attractive than being like everyone else.

You say that you have been avoiding parties. To meet people and to develop a support system, you will have to find the courage to socialize. Rather than focus on meeting “a guy,” think about making friends to socialize with. From there you can expand your socializing to meet guys. To do this, try going out in small groups with other females or in mixed groups. Having other people around takes the pressure off of you to do all of the talking. It also will give you opportunities to practice the first level of flirting – being friendly. Volunteering is another way of meeting new people and practicing flirting. Since you are starting at a university, try getting a part-time job on the weekends where other students hangout. This will give you an opportunity to meet new people in an indirect way.

Seek Help

While it is normal to be nervous talking with guys or meeting new people, when that nervousness starts to interfere with you lifestyle something more serious may be going on. You may be suffering from an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. To determine whether or not you nervousness is the normal angst we all feel at different times in our lives or anxiety which can interfere with your health, I would strongly suggest that you talk with your medical doctor or a mental health profession. Either way, talking with someone can give you the added benefit of having someone work with you to develop the skills that will help you attract the type of people you want in your life.

~~Lori

Learning to Connect in a New School

Reader Question

Hi Lori,

Well, I’m 12 years old. I know I’m probably too young to be on here but I have to find out. I just moved from Florida to Argentina. I go to school and I have been there for about a month or two. There’s this guy named Guido and we were hanging out a lot the first 2 weeks I got there. Then he started dating this girl, who is sort of my friend, and he ignores me completely. So, I have no idea what to do. Then there’s this other guy named Axel. I really like him but I introduced him to my friend through MSN Messenger. He says he really likes her just by talking to her on MSN and looking at her pictures. I really like him a lot but he likes her and he doesn’t even know her. So what should I do? I just want to win the heart of one of them.

Any advice?

-- Contributed by: Fechii

Expert Reply

Dear Fechii,

School presents two opportunities; one is academic learning and the other is social learning. To be successful in the world, you need to know how to read, write and do math. However, equally important is understanding how to get along with others. Relationships teach us how to ask for what we want, problem-solve concerns, and be a friend who can listen to someone else’s opinions, especially if the opinion is different from your own. Being 12 years old and being social does not make you too young to wonder how to get a boy to notice you as long as you are balancing your school studies with your ‘social’ studies.

So what’s going on with you that these two guys don’t find you more fun to be with than the other girls in your school? Not to mention that a guy would choose to talk with a girl on the Internet rather than hang out with you? In my experience, boys are drawn to girls who are fun to be with, laugh with, and to talk with. Knowing that being nice and fun attracts boys, I can’t help but wonder if your need to be liked and accepted in your new school has made you come across to your classmates as someone who is too serious, too quiet or too stuck up? I’m not saying that this is what it is like to be with you. I am suggesting that if this were the how your peers and more importantly, these two guys, view you, this may be the reason they are interested in others and not you. These boys (and maybe even the girls) in your new school may not think of you as someone they can have fun with and as result may not think of you as the first choice to hang around with. Ouch!

The way to attract people to you is to be friendly. All people, no matter their age, race, or culture want to be around people who are nice, helpful and have a good sense of humor. When you get the chance, give a genuine compliment; look for opportunities make others feel liked and appreciated. Invite people to do things together, hang out, go to the movies, etc. The more often you take the lead the more opportunities you create for your classmates to see you as outgoing and fun!

~~Lori