How to Flirt Tips

How to Flirt Tips

Enjoy our reader inspired responses on how to flirt tips from the Ask the Dating Coach article.

Visitor Question - How to Flirt Tips

Dear Lori,

I really like this guy, but I'm not sure how to flirt with him. I don't want him to think I'm easy, but at the same time I'm trying to come across as playful and fun. Any advice?


Expert Reply

Dear Charming,

It is reasonable to be worried that the guy you are interested in might think your flirting is a sign of sexual interest. Men are often guilty of mistaking women's flirting for meaning something else. On top of that, research shows that men find it difficult to interpret women's more subtle cues in body language.

Although there are many books written about flirting, the rules are more unwritten than written - and one size does not fit all. We really only become aware that there are any rules when someone breaks them - by flirting with the wrong person (your best friend's guy), or flirting at the wrong time or place. And if you, like me, have ever made a flirting mistake, the embarrassment seems to linger longer after the "target" is out of the picture.

There are two kinds of flirting. Flirting for fun, which is what you are currently using: it's light-hearted flirtation and is both harmless and enjoyable. It is a safe way of making a new friend or gaining someone's interest. But, if you are interested in this guy for more than "just a friend," you will want to use the second kind of flirting: flirting with intent.

When flirting with intent, your first objective is to convey that you like this person. If the guy you are interested in thinks that you find him interesting and attractive, he is more inclined to like you. Conveying you like someone and determining if he likes you involves a combination of verbal and non-verbal skills. While many people focus on the verbal, non-verbal signals will tell you much more about his level of interest than the words he uses. I need to issue a warning here: these three non-verbal flirting techniques I am about to tell you are very powerful, so use caution.

Eye Contact

You can signal your interest in this guy by making eye contact and attempting to hold his gaze for more than one second. If he responds to your gaze for more than a second, chances are that he returns your interest. If these eye exchanges trigger a smile, you can proceed with confidence.

On the other hand, if he avoids making eye contact or looks away after a fraction of a second, or around the room and does not look within a few seconds look back, you should assume he is not interested at the same level you. Another observation to make is, when you are talking with each other does this guy look at you three-quarters of the time, in glances lasting between two and five seconds? If he does, this is a definite sign that his level of interest matches yours.

A common mistake people make with flirting is overdoing the eye contact too soon. Premature attempts to look longingly into someone's eyes can make the recipient feel uncomfortable, like you're staring at them.


Touch is a powerful communication tool, especially when using it to flirt. Touch can advance the relationship. Since men tend to misinterpret women's gesture of touch, be cautious - the inappropriate use of touch can ruin your chances of romance. To start, touches should be initially in the universally acceptable areas and levels. A brief touch on the arm is used to draw attention to you. If your guy finds you likeable or attractive, this should prompt some reciprocal increase in his level of interest in you. While this may not be obvious, as in him touching your arm, you should look for positive body-language signs, such as increased eye contact, moving closer to you, more smiling. If you get a positive response, try touching his hand and leaving your hand on his for a couple of seconds. Do this a few times. If you continue to see positive body-language chances are that his level of interest matches your.

The Close

If you are genuinely attracted to this guy and want to see him, none of the flirting recommendations I offered will be of help unless you "close" effectively. Subtle hints and positive body-language will help you get to this place and careful observation of his reactions will tell you whether your 'closing" is likely to be successful.

I have seen articles written in women's magazines saying that men love it when a woman takes the initiative. The reason this is true for guys, is that men believe a woman who takes initiative in asking a man out is more sexually available. So if you want to avoid any confusion about your interest, you could approach the "close," with something like: "Maybe we could meet for coffee sometime?" Or, "My friends and I are going to ____, maybe you would like to meet us there?" This makes it clear that you are interested, and gives him the opportunity to take the initiative in setting the date.


Teen Flirting Tips

Reader Question

Dear Lori, I am in the 8th grade and have never had a boyfriend. I have the BIGGEST crush on this guy in my grade but I'm not sure if he likes me back. One of his friends told my best friend that he likes me, but I'm not sure if I can trust him. He is also one of those guys who is too nice to find a nice girl and is THE hottest guy in school. I am just a popular new kid who nobody really knows yet because I am shy. I really think that I'm ready for a boyfriend but I think that may be loneliness talking to me. Plus I don't know how to flirt! I really need help. Thank you for reading!~~Melissa

Expert Reply

Dear Melissa,

As I see it you have two things going for you. The first, as the 'new kid,' you have no history with the other people in your school. No one can say, "You remember Melissa, she was the girl who in 5th grade laughed so hard milk came out her nose?" No history, no bad things to say about you. The second thing you have going for you, is an inside track to your crush. His friend talks with your best friend. The trick is how to use the friends to your advantage.

The only way your crush is going to learn about you and discover how wonderful you are, is if he gets to spend time with you. This is where your best friend can be a big help. You and your friends can plan group activities to do, like go to the movies, bowling, sledding and outdoor ice-skating (when the weather gets colder). Group activities take the pressure off of a one-to-one meeting which can be awkward for two people just getting to know each other. When your crush is with you and other people, it makes it easier for him to get to know and talk with you.

Once the venue has been selected, have your best friend talk to your crush's friend. She can say, "Some of my friends were thinking about going bowling, would you and your friend like to go?" She can let the friend know who the people are that are going and ask the friend if there is any other people he thinks she should invite. This information will tell you who the friend is interested in. Knowing who he likes is important, because if the girl he likes is going to the activity, he'll likely find a way to be there too. And if the friend goes, it's likely he'll bring his friend along as well.

Flirting comes naturally to some people and has to be learned by others. Some girls think that flirting is something you do only with boys. They think that to flirt you have to laugh loud and talk loud. None of those things is true. You can flirt with anyone. People that are well liked, tend to flirt with everyone. They know that when you flirt with people it makes them feel good. Then, when a person feels happy in your company, that person tends to associate their happiness with being with you. This is why flirting (when done right) is a good thing.

There are two types of flirting. The first, is flirting to be friendly. This type of flirting is easy to do, and is done with everyone. As the new girl, flirting with everyone will make you attractive because people will see you as friendly and easy to get along with. To friendly flirt, start by smiling and saying hi to people. Ask others how they are doing, or if they had a fun weekend, or how they did on their test. The point is that you show interest in others. Another thing you can do is offer a genuine compliment to someone. Be specific and look at the person. Don't worry if they don't return the compliment. Again, the point is that you showed interest in the other person.

The second kind of flirting is flirting with intent. This is when you pay more attention to one particular person than the rest of the people. To flirt this way, you would look into your crush's eyes when the two of you are talking, smile and nod your head. If he says something amusing, you laugh and maybe reach out to touch his arm lightly. This demonstrates to him that you are listening to what he has to say as well as giving him your full attention.

So the next time you see your crush be friendly and smile. If you can, say hi and ask him a question. The question can be about class, what he did over the weekend, or anything. It doesn't matter what the question is. What matters is that you are taking the time to ask him something about himself. When he responds, turn to face him and look him in the eyes while he is talking. When you end the conversation, offer a compliment, such as nice talking to you, or enjoy your next class, or catch you later. When you flirt with everyone, you make other people feel good. When people feel good about themselves in your company, they will like you more.


More Flirting Tips

Reader Question

Hi Lori, I am confused about a problem that has plagued me for too long. I want to know whether or not girls will flirt with you without knowing you if they find you physically attractive? Is it possible for girls not to look at you even though you are attractive? Furthermore, if a girl who you accidentally sit next to at lunch asks you what your name is, could that be an indication that I am physically attractive? Was she just being friendly?-- Contributed by: Andrew

Expert Reply

Dear Andrew,

Flirting is a way a girl lets you know she finds you appealing. Flirting is used to signal the other person, "Hey you! I find you attractive and want to get to know you better." In my experience, most guys miss the subtle signals girls give them that show interest. For girls this is frustrating and as a result, they give up all too quickly on the guy. For guys who don't pick up the signals of flirting, this can mean they miss many opportunities to get to know a girl. So yes, a girl will flirt with you without knowing you.

Each person is attracted to different looks. What one girl find attractive and would rate as an 8, another girl will not find as attractive and would rate the guy a 5 or 6. This means that sometimes you will find a girl attractive and she won't find you equally attractive. Therefore, even though some girls will tell you are attractive, other girls will say, "not so much."

If you sit next to a girl and she asks your name, she is showing interest in getting to know you. Most likely, she finds you physically attractive. Most girls won't waste their time talking with you if they don't find you attractive. This will change once you become an adult. By then both sexes realize that there is more to a person than just how he or she looks. As an adult, you know that a guy can look good on the outside and be ugly on the inside. As an adult, a girl will flirt with you if she finds you attractive or appealing. However, she will be quick to determine if you are as appealing on the inside before she agrees to get to know you further.


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How to Flirt Tips