How to Fall in Love Again After a Breakup
From LoveToKnow Dating
Need some help learning how to fall in love again after a breakup? They key is to get out and allow yourself to meet someone again. Let our dating coach's advice to these readers help you find the way.
Learn How to Fall in Love Again After a Breakup
Reader Question
Please help! While I was working in my old job I met a man who was married but told me they was splitting up. So we started an affair and his wife found out and left him. For some mad reason I stayed with him even though he still loved her. We have been seeing each other for about five months now. He told his wife about me and she has now decided to get back with him but take things slow. I really think I love him and it is hurting so much that I feel used. I am also worried that I am never going to meet anyone else because I never go out anywhere. I really want to meet someone special. I think this may have been one of the reasons that I put up with everything. How do I met someone new and move on if I never go anywhere to meet anyone? How do I get over him?
~~Donna
Expert Reply
Dear Donna,
Although falling in love with a man who was separated from his wife and who later decided to work on his marriage is painful, it did teach you something about yourself. It showed you that you are loveable and are capable of falling in love. This temporary relationship filled the emptiness within you and ignited the motivation and desire to have the experience again. I am not suggesting that this knowledge will take away the pain of him leaving you. It can however, help you to see that something good came out of the experience you had with this man. There is no reason to think love won’t happen again.
Likewise, I don’t think he used you. It looks to me like you filled the emptiness within him too. Most likely his loneliness was a result of being unfulfilled in his marriage. He turned to you because you too shared that feeling of wanting to be loved. However, he has a history with his wife and memories of better times they shared. When jealousy arose within her, it stirred the desire for each of them to work on their marriage. This too will not take away the hurt of having loved and lost, but perhaps over time it will lessen the pain.
You are right about one thing. Staying in the house will not allow you to meet new people or find that special someone. So, as uncomfortable as it might feel to get out and get involved, you couldn’t pick a better time of year to do so. The holiday season is a unique time of year because people have a positive and ‘good cheer’ type of attitude. For singles, this time of year can be a great opportunity to be in just the right place at just the right time.
If you’re not the ‘life of the party girl’ type this doesn’t mean you can’t be the party type. Getting involved is easier then you might think. Volunteering is a good way to be at the festivities without feeling the awkwardness of showing up as a guest. As a volunteer your job is to make others feel comfortable and at ease. Being a gracious host is a way to attract others to you. There are many places to volunteer. One place is with the faith or spiritual based. Whether you’re religious or nondenominational, this time of year draws people together in a spiritual way. We all want to feel connected; community or as I like to say ‘common unity’ brings people in search of meaning or purpose. If you don’t already belong, look for a church or nondenominational congregation offering services, parties or other activities that resonate with you. Call them and ask if they can use a volunteer to help.
Another great way to meet other singles is at charity events. Many organizations offer fundraising events especially New Years Eve parties. Call your favorite charity and see what events they may be hosting between the last weeks in December through February.
With the New Year right around the corner, groups, classes and courses will all be starting up. This is a great time to be thinking about your own interests, hobbies and personal development. By getting involved you also are getting out of the house, expanding yourself and becoming more of an interesting person. If fear has been stopping you from taking risks to meet men, just remember, Courage is the mastery of fear- not the absence of it (Mark Twain).
~~Lori
Holding on to Your Ex
Reader Question
I am 17 years old and I’ve been through a lot of dating troubles. I dated this guy for a year but I know that we were in love with each other. I still care about him so much and every time I’ve tried to move on, I never can forget him. He has been dating a girl since the 2 weeks after we broke up and this month will make them together for 1 year and 4 months. He still calls, texts, and sees me and tells me he still cares and they’re going to break up, but they never do. This time he really seems to be serious but I don't want to be heart broken again...it hurts bad enough that I’m not with him to begin with....What should I do?
-- Contributed by: Megan
Expert Reply
Dear Megan,
How sad that you have put your love life on hold for the past year and four months waiting for your ex to make a move. The only move he seems to be making is to keep you on a leash while he behaves like a boyfriend (albeit a bad boyfriend) to someone else. This is why you are in so much pain and why it hurts so much. You haven’t let go of him and grieved the end of the relationship. Instead, you have held on to a dream, a fantasy that one day he’ll come back to you. Now one year and four months later, you are still waiting. You are playing second fiddle!!! STOP!! You don’t deserve to be any guy’s back-up. You deserve to be the number one girlfriend and not to this louse.
Behaviors always, always speak louder than words. Until you are ready to take action on your own, your life will continue to be stuck. I have a theory about in action. The real reason people stay in bad relationships is that it isn’t really that bad. When being with him is more painful than being without him, you’ll be ready to let him go and move on with your life. When that time comes, you can say to your ex; "For a year and four months I have waited for you. I believed you when you said your relationship with your current girlfriend was over. For a year and four months, I haven’t had someone love me and me alone. No more. It is time for me to seek out a relationship in which someone treats me with respect and dignity. I will no longer be answering your text, calls or seeing you. As hard as this will be for me to do, not doing this will only delay my happiness and I am no longer willing to put your happiness above my own!"
It is up to you to treat yourself with love and compassion. You cannot expect others to do this if you are not going to do it for yourself first.
~~Lori
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Comments
Hello, This letter is more of an inspiration to all the girls or woman feeling like they don't have anyone that wants to be with them or are being used as a safety blanket. I was with my ex for 6 months and after that I waited for him for a year and a half. Not just a month but a year and a half. I went through some major changes, not good ones either. I found myself being jealous that he would flirt with other girls all the time and would treat them better than me. When we were together he did this a lot to me too, but I was so content with being unhappy that I didnt know what happiness felt like. I gave this boy the world. I treated him like a king and he did nothing. I bet youre probably wondering why I stayed around if he treated me like this. Well, the truth is in the beginning of our relationship after 2 days he told me he loved me. That was a bit too sudden for me, but I guess because he made me feel good, things changed and I thought I loved him. Although, it took me a month to love him and actually say it I dont think I ever fully let him in. Anyways, its been more than 2 years and I have finally found someone new. Before I met this new guy my ex would constantly tell me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me, and of course I gave in to that. After listening to all his lies and seeing the way he behaved with others I had to snap out of it and realize that Im more important. I think thats what most of girls or womens problems are. Were too afraid to think about ourselves, but the truth is, when I did that someone way better came a long and that quote about things being too good to be true is a myth to me. Love is in the air, you just have to be in the wind to feel it. We were friends for about 5 months and now weve been together two weeks, to me thats sudden, but I feel like Im falling for him. Hes totally different than my ex in many aspects. He treats me like a queen and I do the same for him. Its a two way street and we understand each other. Love is about being happy, so if youre unhappy than how can you possibly love someone?
-- Contributed by: RobinHi Ash,
Sounds like he may have commitment issues. He cares for you but doesn't want to be tied down with the label of boyfriend/girlfriend. I would be careful with this situation, since you are not in a committed relationship with him but still having sex, it may come back and bite you. He may end up seeing someone else or having sex with someone else and then tell you that you two were really not together. Protect yourself by approaching him about your feelings as well as the situation you are in. If he doesn't want to commit to the relationship, it may be a good idea to move on... Good luck.
-- Contributed by: Marcelina Hardyam 18 going to 19 and i have been with this boy for 3 years, we are always on and off and right now we are off, he kepps telling me that he still cares about me and loves me but he just dosen't want to be with me , yet he still sleeps with me and dose other things that a boyfriends does , i don't know what to do because i do a lot for him and i feel like i have been waiting for him , yet he dosen't want to be with, am so hurt that when i look at him i just feel so sad and so unhappy , i feel like i can't be loved by the one person that i love with all my heart. i don't know what to do plz help me.
-- Contributed by: ashThis page has been accessed 6,434 times. This page was last modified 16:15, 21 October 2008.
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