How to Attract a Man

Need some tips from our dating coach on how to attract a man? Check out what she says to this reader.

I recently went out with a guy a few times within a week and a half. (Before that I talked to him over email for a couple of weeks) He acted very interested, talked about future dates, and called regularly (within the short time period we were dating). Our last date was a movie/pizza date at home. He was very affectionate, had his arm around me the entire time, held my hand, kissed me, etc. His body language was positive, he was looking in my eyes, smiling, etc. When he left that night, he gave me good night kisses and said he'd call the next day. He did, but he never asked me out which I found odd. A couple of days after that he called and said he wanted to let me know what was "going on with him". He said that he wanted to be friends because he didn't think the chemistry was there. I was surprised based on our last date. I've been out with a lot of guys and think I'm a decent reader of chemistry. I equate chemistry with attraction, at least at first. He seemed attracted and body language, etc. is hard to fake. He didn't act distant like someone who was just kissing me for the sake of it. I told him that I was surprised and tried to get a further explanation (maybe like there was a girl he liked better or something of that nature), but he really had no other explanation. He then again said he really wanted to remain friends and he hadn't meant to mislead me. I know he doesn't owe me anything. But I'm perplexed by the situation and was wondering if you had any thoughts?

-- Contributed by: Jenni

Dear Jenni,

One of the biggest complaints I get from women, “Why didn’t he call? or, “I don’t get it, everything was going so well. Then he said there wasn’t any chemistry.” You don’t know how fortunate you are that the guy you’ve been dating called to tell you why he didn’t feel chemistry. Like you, many women find it easy to recognize the signs that a guy is interested in you. What is missing is the ‘how to’ on keeping your date’s interest in you on high.

Men and women differ in how each moves forward. Women look for signs of interest, and then rely on that interest to move the relationship forward. Whereas men look for how they feel to tell them if there interest/lust or worse, just a friendship. Your date equates chemistry with the excitement of romantic infatuation. This response is quite common. In this infatuation phase, the feelings are intense for the other person. You may have trouble focusing on work, anxiously waiting to see the other person. Kissing this person is like an aphrodisiac. You experience mood swings, ecstasy when you hear his voice, and despair when you don’t. Romances that start with this much excitement quickly fizzle. When they begin to fizzle, the conclusion is there was not chemistry.

Most relationships start with infatuation. However, those destined for long-term move from attraction into sustainable commitment. Not all dates are destined for a long-term relationship. However, in those initial dates, men and women differ as to what tells them "this is the one" For women, it’s more than just attraction, it her check list of characteristics or qualities the man has that tells her he has potential. For men, it’s something entirely different. What drives him, is the level of excitement he continues to feel. Once that excitement levels off or begins to decline, so does his level of interest.

Therefore, here are a few things you can do the next time you discover a Mr. Right on a date. One thing is to play hard to get. When a man perceives he has to work for something, his mind tells him what he is working toward is of value. Another tip you can use is conceal some things of interest about yourself. Excitement increases when he feels your interest in him is uncertain. A woman who is not readily available means that a man has to invest more time and attention to "win" her affection.

This may sound like game playing. In a way it is. Every culture has its dating rituals and this is no different. When you know or understand how men think, you can use this information to your advantage. As for what to do with "being friends?" That depends on what his definition of friends is. I’d be careful that his definition isn’t another way of asking if you’ll provide sex on demand.

~~Lori

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