High School Sweethearts

High School Sweethearts Stories

Reader Question

Hi Lori,

I have a dilemma, maybe even more than one. I hear stories all the time about how people met in high school and/or college and then they got married. Why hasn't that happened to me? I am a 22 year old virgin whose mother told her not to have any boyfriends in both school and college; not only that, no guys have even asked me out. Even at the age of 22, I should have somebody but my mother says I have to finish college which will probably be until i am 24. Then she tells me to get a job. I am hoping to have someone at least at the ages of 25 or 26 not 30. So my questions are: can my mother to do this to me at my age? Will i meet someone at a job? Should I try a dating agency or online dating? Should I tell guys I am a virgin, that I have not dated, had a boyfriend, or even kissed anybody? Advice please, this is really upsetting me.

~~Sarisa

Expert Reply

Dear Sarisa,

While I too have heard stories of people being high school or college sweethearts and marrying, although I find any statistical data that says this is how most couples meet. My point, in this day and age this is not how most couples meet and marry, which is great news for you!

While you may not meet the man you will one day marry attending college, the opportunity to meet guys is probably the easiest. You have available to you classes, school events, social clubs, sporting activities; the library….the list goes on and on. So what is going on for you that you’re not being asked out? One possibility may have something to do with how you come across to guys. I am wondering if they pick up the sense of urgency bordering on desperation, which I got from reading your email. Why hasn’t this happened to me? I should have somebody…” Another possibility may be although you say you would like to have someone, you don’t want to disappoint your mother by going against her wishes.

Body Language

Either of these two possibilities may show up in your verbal and nonverbal communication with the opposite sex. As an example; your body language, the tone in your voice, the way you look at guys or don’t look at guys, the words you use when talking with a guy, all give off a type of vibe that says either “back off, don’t come any closer!” or “I am desperate to have someone in my life, lets get this relationship moving!’

Mother's Concerns

What do you think is behind your mother’s wishes that you not have any boyfriends until you finish college and get a job? Are her fears that if a man is in your life your studies might suffer which would delay or keep you from graduating from college? Another possibility is that your mother senses your desire to have a boyfriend and is not sure how to help you? Her thought may be that if you are distracted with focusing on school and a job, she can put off the issue of boyfriends.

Whatever your mother’s reasons or concerns are, it is clear that she cares a lot about you and wants what she believes is best for you. However, what you think is best and what she thinks is best may not be the same. You’ll want to have a talk with her to get you both on the same page. Start by asking your mom some of the questions I raised in this response. This will help you to understand where she is coming from. Once you understand her thinking you will know how to assure her that your intention is to finish school and acquire a good job. You can explain to her that you want her love and support in completing school, finding a job as well as having a satisfying personal life and that these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Let your mom know that you want her guidance in helping you to learn how to balance school and an active social life. It may take having many conversations with your mom on this topic in order for each of you to understand the other’s perspective and work out a solution. I think having your mother’s support will free you to explore dating.

How to Find a Guy

Before you start planning on “finding a boyfriend” start by expanding your opportunities to meet and socialize with guys. Begin by developing a group of woman friends to socialize with (if you don’t already have a group like this). Next, expand your group to include guys. Each female can invite guys to join the group in doing different activities, such as bowling, going to the movies, going to school functions or even going out to dinner together. The more active the activity the more guys will get a chance to see how fun you are to do things with and how easy it is to talk with you and get to know you. As someone gets to know you, it will naturally lead to wanting to spend time with you outside the group. This will lead to dating and dating will lead to a relationship.

First Kisses and Sex

It is not necessary to tell any guy that you are a virgin or have never kissed before. Kissing is something you will get better at the more times you do it. For most people the first kiss in general, is at most, OK. It gets better the more times you kiss the same person. Also, first kisses tend to be pecks that last longer with each subsequent kiss. If you follow the guy’s lead, he will never know that you are inexperienced.

As for being a virgin, think of this as a blessing. You only get one chance to lose your virginity. Once you have fallen in love with that special guy and the two of you are talking about having sex, that is the time you can share you are a virgin. Consider this question before having sex. If you lose your virginity to him and the relationship ends, would you have any regrets about having had sex? If you answered yes, then you shouldn’t have sex with that guy.

If you believe in your heart that losing your virginity to a guy is a gift you can only give once and that a person needs to be worthy of such a gift, he will cherish you for having chosen him. If on the other hand, you view your virginity as something of little value, so will the guy you give it to.

~~Lori