Having Sex with Older Women

From LoveToKnow Dating

These readers had a question about having sex with older women. Are you also experiencing anxieties of having sex with an older woman or are you the older woman with a younger man? Then check out these responses from our Ask the Dating Coach column.

Anxiety About Having Sex with Older Women

Age Differences and Sex

I have a good relationship with an attractive older woman. She is 19 years older than I am. We enjoy deep conversations. I want our relationship to become closer. I want sex with her and find it appropriate for us to have it. She has not said that she does not want sex in our relationship but she seems uncertain. She seems hesitant about our age difference. She has said that if we were closer in age things would be different. She said that she had sex for the first time in the same year I was born. She has not said that she would not enjoy sex together. How can I encourage her to think differently about age differences in regards to having sex or not? Might there be other reasons why she seems uncertain about sex?

Is it common despite age difference in a relationship for the man to want sex and find it appropriate and a woman to seem hesitant about sex in the relationship?

-- Contributed by: Sam

Expert Reply

Dear Sam,

It is true that an age difference of 19 years can be a big deal. However, I am of the belief that the impact of the number depends on three factors. Chronological, emotional and the intellectual ages of the two people involved. For example, if you are 19 and your partner is 36, this difference in age has a greater influence because it includes the impact of life experience also known as maturity level. On the other hand, should you be of an age where you have been living and working on your own for a significant amount of time, this same chronological age difference may be much smaller since it is likely you both can draw on the wisdom of life experience.

For many men, sex is a way to connect on a physical level. By contrast, for women sex can be both a physical and emotional connection. While ‘hooking-up’ is more socially acceptable today for a woman, sexual intimacy is different when the partner is considered as a potential for a long-term relationship. This makes engaging in casual sex a significant act.

While you are trying to explain that having sex will bring you closer together, she may be weighing having sex with the likelihood and viability of a long-term relationship with you. Are you interested in a long term relationship with her or are you interested in getting closer with her through the vehicle of sex? From your question I couldn’t glean the answer and if I can’t tell, I am guess this woman can’t either.

While both of you are communicating about the same topic, sex, each of you is doing so from different perspectives. It is the different perspectives where the problem of engaging in sex is becoming an issue. This miscommunication is leading her to conclude that the two of you are not on the same page, i.e., an age related problem. If you want to encourage her to think differently about the age difference and physical intimacy, you’ll need to connect with her on an emotional level.

~~Lori

Body Comfort and Sex

Reader Question

I am what some may describe as a busty woman. I have been divorced for about four months. Lately I have been getting closer and spending more time with a younger man. I enjoy him. I have suspected that he wants to become more intimate. I am guessing that he may want sex. I am wondering whether it would be appropriate or not to have sex with him? He is a nice man and I like the attention from him. It may be too close to my divorce to consider sex. Also being on the busty side I don’t want him to become turned off when he sees me naked. I have talked to several of my woman friends about him. One said not to worry about him becoming turned off and that there maybe a possibility that he wants to love all of me. She said that if that were the case what would be wrong with it. Another lady friend of mine said that we are both single and that our age difference should not be an issue in us having sex. She also said that if a younger man finds you attractive and wants to do it, what is wrong with that? She also said that I may enjoy sex again and may like the experience of having it with a younger man. Is there any truth in these statements?

Are there common reasons that younger men want older women? If he wants to love me and he uses the physical expression of sex to do that it may be ok. I don’t want to just be the tool in which he uses to get sex or have an experience with an older woman. How can I know of his intentions?

When I consider sex with him, what things should be part of our relationship? What things should we do/have done before consider sex? Sex may be a wonderful way to express one's feelings, one's love, one's commitment. How can I be sure that our sex will have these elements?

How can I be sure of his commitment before and after we have sex? We don’t want to have a baby but what are some things that we each could gain by having sex?

If we do have sex how can I be sure that he will like my body in the nude? As a busty woman, what can I do to make the sex experience good for him? As a busty woman, which sex positions work best?

-- Contributed by: Claudia

Expert Reply

Dear Claudia,

Since you have been married, I can assume that you have both the knowledge and experience for how relationships develop. Being interested in a younger man does not make any difference; the same steps you have taken in the past are the same ones you take now. Given that you have life experience with a relationship, I can’t help but wonder what your real concerns are? Perhaps you wonder if it is OK to be excited about a new relationship so soon after the end of an old one. The answer, yes, it is OK. There are no rules for how long you need to be divorced before becoming intimate with someone new. Everyone grieves and moves on at a different pace, what is the right time for you may be different for someone else.

As with any new relationships, there are no guarantees. Regardless of whether this new guy is younger, older or your same age, you can’t really tell where the relationship will go until you get into it. So relax and stop thinking so much about making sure everything is just right or perfect; you can’t anyway, so why keep trying?

This brings me to what really might be your underlying concern about getting intimate with a younger man: your insecurity about your body. Men and women view attractiveness differently. For the most part, men are visual beings. They see the whole and like it. Women on the other hand, tend to focus on parts. As a result, women tend to have a more negative body image than men do. It is likely that this younger man was physically attracted to all of you and as he gets to know you, his interest expands and deepens. You are focusing on the parts of his interest and finding fault where none exists.

On the other hand, a naked younger woman does not have to worry about gravity. This evil nemesis can be a very real concern for an older and bustier woman. The answer for dealing with the arch rival is lingerie! Not only is lingerie ideal for increasing intimacy, a well-placed undergarment can be of great assistance for abating gravity as well as enhancing the visual form of your body.

Before your first sexual rendezvous with this younger man or any man, I would suggest that the two of have a talk. It is a good idea to share what is it that each of you is looking for. Is it to date and see where things go? Is it a long-term committed relationship leading to marriage? Regardless of the answer, sex would is a part of the equation and asking these questions allows you to move the conversation toward the topic of practicing safe sex (the real reason for the talk). During this part of the conversation, the two of you talk about precautions from sexually transmitted diseases, pertinent medical/sexual history and likes as well as sexual dislikes. The conversation doesn’t have to be all serious; it can be humorous, sensual and teasing. The goal is that two of you are on the same page as to the pleasure of an intimate relationship.

Experience has told me that younger men are attracted to older women because they find their confidence erotic. Without her realizing it, she exudes this confidence in the way she carries herself.

~~Lori

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