Former Girlfriend

Former Girlfriend Dilemma

Reader Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. I am bothered by his attitudes toward his previous girlfriend. She sends him books and CDs, and they occasionally exchange emails. I expressed my discomfort regarding this matter. My boyfriend says that he does not like or enjoy receiving emails or things from his former girlfriend, but he does not want to tell her to stop either because doing so will hurt her. He says he is fully committed to me, and anything happening with his former girlfriend is really nothing. I do not feel that as long as he continues communication with his former girlfriend he is really not committed to me. What do you think?

~~Lisa

Expert Reply

Dear Lisa,

Your letter reminds me of the scene in When Harry Met Sally where Harry states that there can’t be platonic relationships between men and women because men are only thinking about wanting to have sex with women. I don’t know if I agree with Harry’s thinking, but I do believe that the risk of infidelity between two people who are “just friends” is higher when one or both of them is emotionally vulnerable.

You say that your boyfriend says that he does not like or enjoy receiving gifts or emails from his former girlfriend, yet he continues to accept these things. By accepting them, he is sending the message to both you and her, that he is interested in the emails and gifts. Until your boyfriend asks his former girlfriend to stop sending emails and until he stops responding to his former girlfriend's emails, she will continue to send them. This is the same case with the gifts she sends.

Your boyfriend may truly not be interested in his former girlfriend and feel that he is totally committed to you. However, by telling you that he does not want to hurt his former girlfriend's feelings and therefore will not end his relationship with her, he is choosing to hurt your feelings. This seems to be contradictory to his statement that he is totally committed to you. Maybe this is why you are hurt by his behavior.

I won’t presume to assume I know the motives of the former girlfriend, and her motives aren’t really that important. What is important is that you have told your boyfriend how you feel and he is not doing what it takes to show you that you are more important to him than his former girlfriend. The way I see it, you have a choice, you can accept the relationship between your boyfriend and his former girlfriend as he describes it or you can decide if you want to be with someone who is willing to put his former girlfriend’s feeling ahead of your own.

~~Lori