Five Stages of Dating

Ever wondered about the five stages of dating? Well our dating coach's response to these readers' questions will help to make it all clear.

I have been seeing this guy for over a month. We have been out to dinner a few times and hung out, and also have had sex. When I ask about us he says nobody needs to know. If anyone asks when we are out he says we are friends and wants me to say the same thing. In public we do touch or even kiss so people do know it is more then friends. I asked what it is between us; he says well first friendship and then companionship. He says things like I love being next you and I love that when we go out and all the guys are looking at you, I know am going home with you. I am lost and I have no idea where this is going? I have fallen in love with him. Telling everyone we are just friends is bothering me.

~~Sarah

Dear Sarah,

When men and women approach dating differently, problems occur and the result is often an end to the dating. To avoid finding yourself in this situation, I am going to tell you loudly to STOP what you are doing and step back s-l-o-w-l-y. What I hear is that you and your guy have been dating for a month and really like each other a lot. During this time you have fallen in love with him. I can tell you that for most people, deep feelings develop over a longer period of time. The reason that it can take one person longer to fall in love than another is that dating goes through stages. If you try to avoid one of the stages, problems may develop in the relationship which may result in you or your partner ending the relationship. When you recognize what stage of dating the relationship is in, you will understand what is called for or needed in order to move through that stage and onto the next stage.

From your question, it sounds like you and your partner are not at the same stage. This is normal and common. It requires patience and understanding. I have listed the stages so you can understanding which stage you are in and which your partner is in.

The purpose of stage one is to determine if there is enough chemistry, commonality and interest to warrant dating. For some people, it may take a couple of meetings to determine if they want to date a particular person. What is needed here is to come across as someone who is interesting and fun to be with.

Stage two is the romantic stage and usually lasts for 2 to 3 months. During this stage the two of you want to spend increasingly amounts of time together. People often describe this stage as feeling physically attracted or infatuated with the other person. Because two people are having fun and really attracted to each other they tend to overlook those cute irritancies of their partner in order to focus on the strong attraction and the positive feelings. What is needed during this stage is to understand that without the infatuation stage a relationship could not move on to the next stage. So if you and your partner are on two different pages with regard to your feelings for each other, it is best for you to be patient and wait for you partner to catch up. Doing this demonstrates to your partner that you are caring, patient and supportive.

Stage three is where differences between the couple begin coming to the surface. It is also where each partner will decide for his and her self, whether to continue the relationship. The relationship now focuses on how the two of you work through disagreements, differences of opinions and ideas as well as different approaches to sex, communication and commitment. It is also an opportunity to both learn and use problem-solving skills with your partner. Arguing in a relationship is not the problem. The problem arises when couples don’t know or use healthy skills to resolve conflict. Stage three is also an opportunity to build a deeper relationship with your partner as each of you recognizes that you are loved and accepted for being your true self. This is where trust develops in a relationship.

Stage four is a when the couple learns how to be a couple and still maintain a level of independence within the relationship. For most couples this stage begins to show up after the couple has been dating for longer than six months. During this period of time the couple begins to incorporate their previous social relationships and interests into the couple relationship. For some people the fear of their partner wanting to socialize without them, triggers feelings of insecurity, or fear of an imminent ending to the relationship. This is usually not the case, however if the partner with the insecurity does not address his or her own issues, the result maybe unintended break-up.

Stage Five is where the individuals are will to make a long term commitment with one another. Having successfully completed the stages above, the couple has built a foundation on trust, honesty and integrity. For some this is marriage for others this means being in a monogamous relationship.

I think you will see from the stages that you and your boyfriend are not in the same stage. I believe that you are in stage 5 and your boyfriend is in stage 2. This would explain why you are disappointed that he does not introduce you as his girlfriend. Should you continue to be disappointed, it is likely he will feel the pressure of your frustration. This will likely lead him to run the other way. My suggestion to you is to slow down and allow your boyfriend time to realize his feelings for you are deeper than just friends. This won’t happen by you pointing it out to him. It will happen by him going through the stages at his own pace.

~~Lori

Hi Lori, I am 28 and have been dating a man for two months. I am ready to become exclusive and he is not. He says he does want a relationship but wants to get to know me really well first. We talk every day and go on dates at least 2 times a week. I have met his son and his parents. We have been intimate already. I felt like at the very beginning he gave me all green lights and now he is unsure. How do I proceed in the relationship? Should I continue to date him and wait for some commitment or stop dating him? Help!!!! I know he was married and it ended badly.

-- Contributed by: jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

All relationships have a natural progression. The first two to three months in a relationship are about getting to know a person enough to decide if you want to continue. Why does it take this long to decide? Partly because what we experience when we first meet is attraction. This attraction is surface level affection otherwise known as infatuation. Sometime after the three-month mark, the excitement of the relationship slows just a bit. This allows us to begin to take off those rose-colored glasses and determine if there is more to this relationship then a lot of physical attraction. At this stage, our value system starts to have more influence over our body.

If we feel that the person we’re dating shares our values, similar interests and similar views on important issues, we begin to feel a stronger connection. This stronger connection moves us towards wanting to be more emotionally intimate. If there isn’t a connection the couple will break-up at this point. If there is a connection, the couple will naturally move toward dating exclusively. Even at this point, it is unlikely that both partners will refer to the person their dating as my boyfriend or girlfriend. This level of exclusivity doesn’t usually happen until a couple has been dating seriously for about six months.

You have been dating for two months and are only at the infatuation stage. Yet, your expectation is that the relationship should be at the third stage, ‘exclusive couple ’stage. The man you’re dating has given you the green light, but if you don’t slow down, you’ll get the red light. He is approaching his relationship with you in a mature way. Probably because he was married before and understands that love and trust take time to build. As a dad, he has to think about your relationship with the child and not just your relationship with him. My guess is to win this man’s heart; you’re going to have to win his son’s as well. Children of divorce are much more cautious about loving an adult. This dad sounds like he is a wonderful man and father; someone who’s thoughtful and caring.

If you think this guy is special and might be the one, then slow down and enjoy the ride. Take your time getting to know him and his son. On the other hand, if you’re just about having a boyfriend even if it’s for a short time, then this guy may be too mature for you; in which case, it’s time to move on.

~~Lori

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