First Time Sex

Our Dating Coach expert offers some important advice about first time sex.

Dear Lori,

Next fortnight, I am getting married. How do I approach her on aspects related to sex and spending the first night with her? (I am from India and it’s an arranged marriage)

Our background: Everyday for last 40 days we have been talking over the phone. Starting from 40 minutes, it soon reached 3 hours of conversation daily and the only way we have terminated is when the Nokia battery of one of our phones gets drained completely.

My topmost priority has been to become life long friends with her and to love her as a person. I hear so much about sex in marriage that now I am confused. I never discussed sex with her. Occasionally, I have hinted but she subtly avoids talking on matters related to sex.

We have planned a great deal about the places we will go on a Honeymoon. She mentions candlelight dinners and dancing (I have never danced), and about relaxing on sea beaches, riding bikes with me in Goa, etc.

My Concerns /Apprehensions: The question of sex keeps getting evaded. I am confused as to how to initiate it or the way to talk about it. Is there too early or too late of a time for the first sex? Should I take the initiative? I wish to proceed only when I feel it’s her desire too. Is it necessary that I proceed on the first night? I find it odd and too crude. Or, during the honeymoon? Or, only after we return home from honeymoon? I am also scared about causing her to bleed. How do I approach the whole thing related to sex and the first night with her?

A compliment and thanks to you: Your step-by-step advice like using the mirror while talking and listening well was particularly helpful. Initiating and sustaining conversation with my fiancée over phone was an enriching experience. Your advice on paying attention and listening to her made a great difference. Probably for the first time in my life I realized how enriching and peaceful listening could be and how liberating candidness is.

Regards, Dhiman

Dear Dhiman,

Congratulations on getting married soon and on all of the progress you’ve made building a long distance romance. You’ve taken your time and used the suggestions given to you to build a solid foundation with the woman you are soon to marry. You have demonstrated patience and been sensitive to her needs. This is not an easy thing to do long distance.

Talking on the Phone

Learn More About Sex!

Talking on the phone has an advantage, as it allows two people to share personal information without the embarrassment that may be present when two people are looking each other in the eyes. But, talking on the phone also has disadvantages as well. When you are talking to your fiancé on the phone, you cannot see the expressions on her face and therefore are unable reach out and comfort her when she needs comforting or reassurance.

Taking about sex is a very personal and intimate conversation. It sounds like your fiancé may be shying away from the discussion, because talking about something so intimate on the phone makes her feel uncomfortable. If this is the case, then it will be unlikely that she will be receptive to further discussions. As the wedding day gets closer, her anxiety about how her life will change may grow. This is to be expected and is perfectly normal.

Sex and Making Love

So how and when do you talk about sex with your fiancé? Realize that having sex and making love are two very different things. In the beginning of a relationship two people are having sex. And, having sex for the first time with a new partner is almost always awkward. But, as two people get to know each other and their feelings grow deeper and deeper, having sex is replaced with making love. Making love is an expression of how two people care for each other. It is about caring enough for your partner to ensure that she feels safe, and satisfied.

I would suggest you start by reassuring your fiancé on the phone and prior to the wedding, that talking about sex on the phone is difficult. Let her know that you respect her and want her to know that this is something the two of you will explore and discuss after you are married. This lets her know that you are aware of her feelings and it is something the two of you will discuss in person. On the other hand, should she be willing to talk about her feelings around physical intimacy, allow her to do so and share your thoughts and feelings with her as well.

First Steps to Sex

After the two of you are together, begin your learning of each other physically through kissing. The lips are tender to the touch. Learning how to be a good kisser requires you to pay attention to her non-verbal signals. Are you kissing too soft, or too hard? Does she like kissing with the tongue or without tongue? How about you? What about the way she kisses you? Can you give her feedback? Letting her know what you like or don’t like about her kissing. Although it is kissing, what the two of you are learning is about each other. What your likes and dislikes are. This is important in a healthy sexual relationship.

From kissing, you can explore touch through massage. You can massage each other’s hands, feet, back, legs. Asking questions gently, whether your touch is too soft or too hard? Does this feel good or does it not? You will also notice how she responds to your touch, this will give you information as to what she likes and does not like. As the two of you become comfortable exploring intimacy through the senses, you will find that things will naturally lead the way toward developing a comfortable sexual relationship

By proceeding slowing and gently, she will feel safe and trusting of you. This will help build your confidence and reassure your wife that you will be a loving husband.

~~ Lori

I’m a freshman (just turned 15) in high school and I've been dating the same guy since the beginning of 7th grade. I really think I love him and want him to be "the ONE" that I lose “IT” to. Well that time has come and we talked about doing it on our 2-year anniversary that is in 3 weeks. Honestly, I know it's bad but it just feels right. I don't want to tell ANYONE. I told my best friend and she tried taking me to a doctor for birth control but I don’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger about something so private. So, we went to the store to buy condoms and I was HUMILIATED. I would NEVER tell my parents. What teenager would talk to their parents about this. They wouldn't look at you the same, they wouldn’t put you on birth control shoot they would tell me not to do it anyway. I’m not sure if I should wait a little longer.

-- Contributed by: Aubrey

Dear Aubrey,

Choosing to lose your virginity is not something to be scheduled like a vacation. Sex is serious and there are many wonderful as well as serious implications for engaging in it. On the positive, it is a way to communicate non-verbally with another person how much you love him. As a female, this can only happen when your heart, mind and body are all on the same page. For women, the excitement and passion of making love is only satisfying when all three parts of her are engaged. Women have an emotional connection to their reproductive organs. In other words, for a female to get excited and enjoy her sexual experience, her mind first needs to be ready. She has to see the whole experience, being naked, touching her partner and ensuring she does not get pregnant as wonderful and exciting. Otherwise, her body will betray her. She won’t be able to feel good about herself, which can lead to her not feeling good about her body which can lead to unsatisfying sex. When the head, heart and body are in sync, so goes the experience.

This same understanding does not hold true for males. Men can get excited involuntarily, especially young men. At a young age, a male’s reproductive organ isn’t thinking about the emotional aspect of sex, he is thinking about the physiological aspects of sex. This means that his body can engage in sexual activity simply because it feels good. He doesn’t have to have his heart in the game and he can bypass his head too as long as body doesn’t portray him.

It is wonderful that you are crazy about your boyfriend and want to share something special with him by losing your virginity to him. The timing shouldn’t be based on how long you’ve been together, but on how ready (heart, mind and body) you are. The fact that you wrote, "I don't want to tell ANYONE. I told my best friend and she tried taking me to a doctor for birth control but I don’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger about something so private. So, we went to the store to buy condoms and I was HUMILIATED. I would NEVER tell my parents," tells me that although your heart is ready to have sex, your mind and body aren’t there yet. Should you choose not to listen to your head and your heart, your first sexual experience will likely be a disaster and that is what you will always remember. Because you will feel so bad about the experience, it will likely lead to the end of your relationship as well.

This may sound old fashion, but that doesn’t mean it’s not sound advice. Wait to have sex until you’re ready. How will you know when you are ready? You won’t use words like “humiliated,” “never tell my mom” or “not comfortable” to describe planning the special occasion. When you are ready, you may be apprehensive (which is normal) and you will feel confident enough with yourself to take all the necessary precautions as well as feeling confident enough with your decision not to be embarrassed. Trust yourself and wait.

~~Lori

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