First Meetings

Is there a best time to have that first meeting in on online relationship? Let our dating expert's response help you decide.

First Meetings

Reader Question

I have been talking on the phone with a wonderful senior man (I am a senior widowed woman) who lives 300 miles away that I met through a matched dating service. He is a well-respected professor at a major university, and I have checked his credibility and background out privately. He has invited me to his home for a few days, staying with him in a separate bedroom to assist him in his after care for chemotherapy. It may not be the ideal first meeting, but he has been phoning for 6 weeks every day and we talk for hours at a time. Am I crazy for meeting him under these conditions? He has two daughters, but both are out of town and not available for staying with him. We have developed a strong friendship together and I feel it is natural for me to go and try to help out for 3 days until the side effects subside somewhat. I am 59 years old and he is 60, so it's not like we are children. Please advise.

Expert Reply

I met my husband while getting on a plane going to Florida. He was going home and I was going to visit my uncle. We had our first date the day after I arrived in Florida and our second date two days later. For the next year, we talked everyday by phone and we alternated bi-monthly visits to the other’s home state. After the first year, he moved to my state and four years to the date of our first date, we were married. So I don’t think it is crazy to have a long distance relationship.

Using the Internet to meet people is a wonderful way of opening yourself up to people you otherwise wouldn’t have an opportunity to. Ironically, the same benefits that the Internet brings can also be obstacles to meeting in person, as in your situation. After 6 weeks of talking to each other on the phone, you’ve both decided on a time to meet. Rather than planning your first date, you are planning on taking care of a man you have never met before. On top of that, you will be spending 24 hours a day with this man who will be dealing with some serious health issues. Your question is “Am I crazy for meeting him under these conditions?” The answer to your question depends on one thing. What is your intention?

Expectations

When you decided to use an online match making service, was your intention to meet someone you could spend time with, doing things together you both enjoyed? Did you envision having romantic dinners, traveling and entertaining friends and family? Did you use a service in hopes of meeting a man with the intention of building a relationship with someone who is supportive of you, encourages you and who demonstrates he cares for your by putting your needs and wants, to the best of his ability, ahead of his own? Or was your intention to find a man, any man to take care of? Were you willing to meet a man and put his needs ahead of your own? Are you willing to repeat the relationship mistakes you have made in the past?

I am not saying that the latter will be the case here. I do ask you to step back a moment and see your current situation from an outsider’s perspective. Talking on the phone is a helpful tool for communication. It’s a way of bridging distance between two people. Dating on the other hand is a way for two people to have shared experiences in the presence of one another. Being in the presences of another allows two individuals to look into each other’s eyes and communicate non-verbally. Dating allows you to see how someone behaves in the company of others. Dating also provides an opportunity to discover if the idiosyncrasies of the other person are a turn off or a turn on. Dating builds a foundation for a relationship based on trust.

Trust and Love

When we trust someone, we open our heart to genuine love. When this experience is reciprocated, caring for a partner is out of love and not out of a sense of obligation. You say, "we have developed a strong friendship together and I feel it is natural for me to go and try to help out." Because the two of you have not experienced dating, your statement sounds like you are willing to travel 300 miles to meet a man you have never met before out of concern and obligation and not from reciprocated love. This is the foundation for which the two of you are building a relationship. If that is the intention you want to set for a relationship, then no you are not crazy for meeting him under these conditions. If however, this is not your intention for love, then, yes, you would be crazy for meeting him under these conditions.

There are many ways you can be supportive to him long distance. You can offer to interview home healthcare providers who can assist him while he recuperates. You can assist him to identify caterers to supply meals so he doesn’t have to prepare then while not feeling good. You can check in with him daily to see how he is doing. You can send a care package and cards to brighten his day. There are many ways you can be a friend long distance without being a caretaker. By assisting him this way, you are sending a message, that while he may have cancer, you are still willing and open to the possibilities of a relationship developing and you are willing to wait until he is feeling better to travel 300 miles for your first date.

~~Lori

Watch this slideshow of things to do on your first date!

Overdone Love

Reader Question

I met a single man of 37 on a matching Internet dating service and I am a divorcee of 28 yrs. After two nights chatting over the Internet, we decided to meet. We went out for dinner, movie, drinks, and then we kissed, cuddled until 4am in the morning in the car. He wanted to come to my apartment just for one hour to spend a bit more time but I refused. The next morning, he was not online to chat nor did he reply to my messages I sent on his mobile. What could have been the problem?

~~Mathilda

Expert Reply

Dear Mathilda,

Dating is like reading a good book; a great date should hook you early. Then, like the book, once hooked your interest builds with each chapter read.

In the case of dating, the first couple of get-togethers are about hooking your date early via having a good time. With each consecutive date, attraction builds between the two of you. Similar to the reader who is compelled to read the next chapter of the book, as the mystery of you unfolds; it fuels the amount of time he wants to spend with you. As interest and desire increases, your date is compelled to be with you in order to see how things will work out.

By comparison, if the book you were reading revealed everything in the first 10 pages, it is unlikely that you would be interested in reading the entire book. The latter example is the equivalent of your first date with the man you met from the online dating service. He got some information about you through your communication on the Internet. Then he got a lot more information about what it is like to be with you during the very long first date. I am wondering if your date felt there was little mystery or suspense left to discover. Had he had a good time on the date, he might have asked you out again. Although your intent in sending him text messages the very next day was to let him know you had a good time, this may have been misinterpreted as clingy or worse desperate. If this is how he saw your many attempts at communication, then your behavior would be a turn off. This would explain why he did not reply to you.

Use this dating experience as a lesson not to be repeated. When dating, the idea is to have just enough mystery about you. Think of mystery as being like reading a good book. When a man is enjoying himself in your company, he will continue asking you out because he wants to discover more about you. Men like to feel that there is a little challenge to winning your time and affection. This is the essence of flirting; simply making the other person feel good about himself while at the same time keeping his interest. You can do this by keeping the first couple of dates short. No longer than three to four hours. By keeping a date short, especially if there is a high level of interest and the two of you are having a great time, it gives him reason to want to see you again sooner. This is also how you will know that your date is interested in you; he will call or find a way to contact you soon after going out. If he doesn’t call, he wasn’t that interested and it’s time for you to move on.

~~Lori.

• Romantic Gifts for Guys
• Boyfriend Gift Guide
• Romantic Gifts for Her
• How Do You Know He Is Falling For You
• Love Romance Compatibility Tests

• Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend
• Sweet Things To Say To Your Boyfriend
• Craigslist.com Personals
• Free Local Chat Rooms
• Free Anime Dating Sim Game

• Ohio Dating Online
• 100 Percent Free Singles Online Dating
• Category:Dating Experts
• Category:First Dates
• First Date Conversations