First Date Conversations

Looking for some tips on first date conversations? Let our dating coach help you!

Hey Lori,

I have been talking and seeing this girl for about 2 or 3 days and I'm wondering what can I do to stay relaxed because I’m feeling too over-pressured and nervous when I’m talking to her? And I’m also wondering what is the top 5 best ideas for a first date? So please advise. Thank you and have a great day.

-- Contributed by: Henry

Dear Henry,

You know, it’s a good sign when you feel excitement and nervous talking with this girl. Being nervous means you are very interested in her. As you get to know her, these feelings won’t last. For future reference, there will be times when you are interested in a new girl and you don’t feel nervous. This will be a sign that she’s just an ‘OK’ and you’ll long for the girl who’ll send you into a tail spin.

In the meantime, when you feel nervous in this girl’s presence, acknowledge the feeling. Say, “I’m feeling nervous, anxious and excited. This is good because it is my body’s way of letting my brain know to pay attention; this girl is special and worth getting to know.” Also, remember to breathe deeply from your belly. This little trick may sound simple, but when you’re nervous you tend to do shallow breathing from your chest. Shallow breathing increases the intensity of your feeling. Deep breathing relaxes your body so you can think clearly.

Watch this slideshow of things to do on your first date!

What you do for a date is not nearly as important as how you act on a date. Typically a woman feels a date is great if she has laughed, been treated like she was the only female for miles and if her date uses his manners and treats her like a lady. Now you might think all this sounds old fashioned, but I hear from woman all the time and these behaviors are always on their wish list. The guy who does these things i.e., made her laugh, looked her in the eyes and opened doors for her, almost always wins the girl.

For activities, I recommend ‘doing’ something. For example, you could try bowling, golf, going to a concert, a sports game or tour. Tours are great way to see the behind the scenes of your local fare. Before you plan a tour, find out what your date likes or has done. Some fun tours can include; the theater/stage, sports facilities, haunted houses or a manufacturing company. Check with your local Visitor Center for ideas and suggestions.

The reason for planning a date that includes an activity is it gets both of you participating and afterwards you’ll have something to talk about and memories to share. Combine your activity with my other suggestions and you're sure to have a top date.

~~Lori

I am in my late 40's and divorced, professional attractive and intelligent, (what is wrong with this picture?) I would like to date, but live in a small town with limited resources of clean intelligent men. I have tried online dating etc. I meet many men who seem interesting and have met with several for first meetings/dates. Usually we talk for a while on the phone before I agree to meet. I want to make certain that the man has some character and morally aligns with me. Our first dates have been lively and fun, with good conversation. I am a confident and capable woman, but a good listener as well as a good nurturer. The problem is that I generally am not called back for a second date! My girlfriends and I cannot figure this out. Do you have any pointers?

-- Contributed by: Missy

Dear Missy,

Being attractive, intelligent and professional has opened many doors to you for romance, however what you do after the door has been opened seems to be where the problem lies. You believe that you are being perceived by your date as fun, lively and a good conversationalist. If that were the case, it is highly likely you would be called back for a second date. The fact that this isn’t happening tells me that you are not making as good of an impression as you might think. It could be because you are doing, saying or behaving in ways that are turning off your dates. The break down in connecting with your date seems to be rooted in miscommunication, leading to misunderstanding, which may explain why there are no call backs for a second date.

Many people often don’t realize when in a social encounter things begin to go wrong until it is too late… no second date. Understanding the first impression you make on others will help you to correct the behaviors that are not reflective of how you and your close friends see you. First Impressions, what you don’t know about how others see you is a good book that offers many tips of simple things you can do and implement immediately. The authors, Ann Demarais and Valerie White are both Ph.D’s and share their client’s ‘real’ stories to help illustrate the authors’ points. If after reading this book you still have difficulty getting second dates, I would then suggest you work with a professional coach.

~~Lori

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