Establishing Professional Boundaries

From LoveToKnow Dating

Are you having trouble establishing professional boundaries with a co-worker? Let our dating coach offer up some important advice.

Establishing Professional Boundaries is Critical

Reader Question

Dear Lori,

There is a professional woman at work who, when I first met her, told me how much she was looking forward to working with me. The next week she stopped me and told me intimate details of her most embarrassing moment and then got close to see my reaction. I told her that I actually only was thinking about the task I needed to complete. Later on, I got to know her because we ended up being in a problem solving class. The first time she next to me, and then the next time she was talking to some colleagues but immediately jumped into my space next to me and continued her conversation. We met another time to do some discussion for problem solving and it came to discussion about erotic movies. She also told me she was married and gave some hint that she was also available. She told me that her husband gave her ultimatums and she has given him some. She showed me that she had two cell phones. A few days later we were walking and she told me she would never hurt me. I was shocked and leery but I like her also and told her the same thing back. Yesterday she was in distress and was telling me some business items on a phone that is monitored by the company, and I asked her if she realized this and she told me she didn't care. Well I care because the nature of what she was discussing could get her in trouble. I couldn't chat with her any more and asked her if she had a different phone number if she wanted to chat and she said she was leaving to go back to her hometown for the weekend but later on she would end up calling me. What does she want from me? Why would she tell me she would never hurt me out of the blue? We are both females. Thanks for your help.

~~Tmac

Expert Reply

Dear Tmac,

I think what this woman wants from you is some type of relationship. The question is what kind of relationship does she want? Is she interested in a professional relationship between two colleagues who work together? Is she interested in a platonic girlfriend relationship or is she interested in a romantic relationship? In my opinion, any relationship with this woman comes with its share of risks.

If this woman is strictly interested in a professional relationship, her lack of professional boundaries may put both you and her at risk of losing your jobs. Conversations about intimate details of her marriage, erotic movies and discussing inappropriate topics on monitored phones during working hours are not only unprofessional but inappropriate. If this woman is interested in a platonic girlfriend relationship, a concern is that her personal life flows over into her professional life. As a result you run the risk of this woman inappropriately sharing your confidential information where others may overhear. This not only could jeopardize your job, it could ruin your professional reputation. Should this woman be interested in a romantic relationship, the fact that she is married and unavailable means that you could enter into a relationship in which your love cannot be reciprocated completely.

In my opinion the lack of professional boundaries, the inappropriate behaviors at work and the double life (she has two cell phones and is married) she lives are all disturbing and alarming. My advice to you is to limit all conversations with this woman to only those necessary to your job and cut all other ties. She is a sinking ship and she’ll take you with her if you’re not careful.

~~Lori

Confusing Professionalism with Flirting

Reader Question

Hi Lori, I met a guy recently at a weekend-long group event. We had a great conversation and he showed nonverbal and verbal signs of interest. Then, in a follow-up email, he expressed how much he enjoyed our conversation. The interest is mutual; however, he did not ask me on a date in our email exchanges. A week later, I attended a group event he was helping organize and casually sat next to him. His back was slightly turned away from me and he initiated conversation with other women while I felt ignored over 2 hours. Embarrassed, I ultimately turned my attention to others and made little eye contact that evening. When I saw him the next day (again, a group situation), he avoided eye contact. I emailed him later to check that everything was okay between us, mentioning I'd like to get to know him better and the group venue made it hard to talk. He apologized, saying he had been stressed about the organizing responsibility - it was clear by his email he hadn't known anything may have been wrong. I replied positively and confidently. I'm now wondering if my lack of flirting (e.g., eye contact) at the second group event may have turned him off, preventing a possible dating opportunity. Is it too late? Can I learn something from this experience?

-- Contributed by: Karen

Expert Reply

Dear Karen,

If there is one thing to learn from your experience, it is the misconception of social friendliness versus potential romantic interest. As far as I can tell, you and this guy met while attending the same event. During this event, he was social, polite and kind. Later he sent a follow up email. In his email, he was again, friendly, polite and kind. Nothing in your question suggests to me that this guy’s level of interest was anything more than wanting to be friendly. That is not to say that a friendship can’t develop into something romantic, but that is usually much later down the road.

The desire to be friends would also explain why when you sat next to him at another function his attention was on others and not on you. I believe that he was most definitely aware of your presence and that he chose not to acknowledge you in a veiled attempt to keep a ‘friendly’ distance between the two of you. Then when you emailed him later, calling him indirectly out on his lack of attention on you, he offered up a flimsy excuse for his lack of attention. Unfortunately, rather than being more direct with you and clearly stating that his interest is to have a friendly relationship with you, he avoided that conversation, leaving you wondering what’s going on. My guess is that he did not want to hurt your feelings by saying that he just wanted to be friends. There is the possibility that he is unaware of your level of interest and does not recognize that the two of you are on different pages. That is likely why he did not clarify his interest or initiate something more.

Try not take his lack of romantic interest personally; it’s not personal, it’s dating. If you can, develop a friendly relationship with this guy. Being friends allows the two of you to get to know each other and enjoy each other's company. In addition, it offers an opportunity for a future romance to develop out of a solid friendship. At the very least, maintaining a friendship gives you an opportunity to meet other singles through a friend who is into networking.

~~Lori

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