Ending Unhealthy Relationships

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Advice on Ending Unhealthy Relationships

Reader Question

Hello Lori,

I'm an eighteen year old and I know I should hardly be worried about relationships now, but there is one guy I can’t get out of my life no matter what I do. He was a childhood friend turned crush, to lover. He was even my high school sweetheart. It all started so well, but we had a few communication problems the first time dating and broke up after 3 months, but remained friends. Then a year later we decided to start over and I fell very much in love with him. Eventually he joined the army and proposed. He moved in for about six months and we had a lot of pressure from my parents, and he ended up moving back out after six months, where he then went to basic training. Three months later, he comes home for Christmas exodus, and he's totally different. He went AWOL, started lying, and talking crazy. He was distant and it scared me. I needed a little bit more than normal reassurance through our relationship because I'm a bigger girl, and he's a very good looking guy. Well about two days before Christmas last year, he tells me he kissed one of his ex-girlfriends and it really hurt. I freaked out on him because I didn't know what else to do. As I was crying, he just held me. I left that night and we agreed to spend time apart to work out our feelings. He called me on Christmas Eve and said he wasn’t happy with me and he had to move on. Therefore, about a week later, I called him and he got angry because I hadn't called him sooner. We eventually got back together for about a week and he left again, promising he'd be back. Turns out he moved to New York City, but he did call me every once in awhile. So again, six months later, he wants me back, but he seriously hurt me so I tell him I just want to be friends. Here I find out he's engaged so I break all contact. Now another six months later after two girlfriends who treated him poorly, and after he got a dishonorable discharge, he wants to get back together. While he does seem to have matured and changed because he's no longer making promises and he's telling it like it is, he still doesn’t see exactly how much he hurt me, so he's learned nothing. I loved him unconditionally before, and while I don't love him as much as I once did, I still love him. I still haven't let go of the hurt he caused me but I'm trying. He's moving in with me in a week, and we are going to try to work things out. Do you think he loves me? Do you think it's worth giving him a third chance? In addition, how can I express to him how I feel and make him understand how much I loved him and how deeply he hurt me?

-- Contributed by: Sarah

Expert Reply

Dear Sarah,

You have been through a lot with your boyfriend at a young age. You have also continued to be there for this guy. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for him. Your relationship with this guy seems to have a cycle pattern of behavior. He moved in for 6 months. Then he moved out for 6 months. Three months later he comes back, and then he goes AWOL from the Army. Then last Christmas he hurts you and then he comforts you, then he tells you he has to move on, and then he gets angry because you didn’t call him… yadda, yadda, yadda. You get the picture. This type of relationship is not healthy, it’s insecure and it’s desperate.

Your boyfriend has a lot of skeletons in his closet he needs to clear out. I don’t see where in your question he has done his own work on himself. Instead, he wants to work things out with you, ‘one more time’. This is concerning to me, because it means that he is likely to repeat the behaviors of the past, in the present. The only way that your boyfriend can change the future for the two of you is for him to take responsibility for his actions, understand his behaviors, and have a plan of action for how he will behave differently in the present. This means that he needs to work on his own issues before working on his relationship with you. Until he does his own work, nothing you say about how he hurt you will get through to him. Once he has worked on himself then I think he would be worthy of a third chance.

I believe your boyfriend loves you, just not a mature romantic kind of love. I also think that you love taking care of him. Perhaps it gives you a sense of feeling loved by being needed. This is not a reason to move in with him nor is it a mature long-lasting type of love. It would be a good idea for you to explore why you’re willing to settle for a love which leaves you feeling insecure.

Love comes in many different packages. There is the love friends share, the love between a parent and a child, and the love between lovers. The last type of love is the romantic kind. It’s the chemistry we read about, and although we sometimes find it difficult to explain, we recognize this kind of love when we see it. Mature love makes you feel secure, and accepted for who you are. This is the kind of love where you consider moving in with someone special. The love you feel for your boyfriend now is different. You love him like a friend and at the same time hope this time things will become romantic. If you go through with living together it is likely that you will end up hurt and disappointed.

~~Lori

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