Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Is It Abuse?

It can be hard to recognize emotional abuse, at first. Abusers sometimes say mean things while pretending to offer "advice." Or, they claim to be acting a certain way because they love you, even though it makes you feel bad.

How can you tell if someone is being emotionally abusive? Here are some things an emotional abuser may do:

• Blame you for things that aren't your fault
• Criticize constantly, even when it doesn't seem fair
• Yell, threaten, or call you names
• Order you around
• Destroy or steal your belongings
• Prevent you from spending time with friends or family, or insist on knowing where you are at all times
• Belittle or insult you in front of friends or family
• Tell you that you can't spend money or make important decisions
• Refuse to offer praise or congratulations when good things happen

Recognizing Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Every relationship has ups and downs. Just because you fight sometimes doesn't mean the relationship is abusive. People in good relationships get mad, get insecure, even yell at each other sometimes. But in a healthy relationship, those things are the exception.

In emotionally abusive relationships, anger, insecurity and hurt are an ongoing problem. The victim of abuse may feel uneasy, afraid, sad, or frightened. They may feel that, if the relationship ends, they will never find another one. It's easy to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship, thinking that it's normal or hoping that it will get better.

Sometimes, people outside the relationship notice the problem first. You might be used to your partner yelling at you or putting you down, but the people who care about you won't want to see you treated that way.

Questions to Ask

These questions can help you decide if your relationship is emotionally abusive. If you answer yes to any of them, it's probably not a healthy relationship.

• Do you often feel afraid of your partner?
• Do you watch what you say so your partner won't get mad?
• Do you ever think you deserve to be hurt or yelled at?
• Do you feel helpless to change the situation?
• Do you fear that your partner will steal from you or take your children away?
• Do you wonder sometimes if you're the one who's crazy?

Getting Out

In some ways, emotionally abusive relationships may be even more damaging than physically abusive ones. These relationships can damage self-esteem, making the victims feel worthless and hopeless. Those feelings can damage future relationships, too. They can also lead to depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and even thoughts of suicide.

If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, it is possible to get out. If you feel safe leaving and strong enough to do so, you can end the relationship, begin to heal, and start to think about finding a partner who is better for you. If you're having trouble breaking away, whether you're feeling threatened or just afraid, you can get help. Even after you've ended it, you may still need a hand to get back on your feet emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask.

• Talk to supportive family and friends. They may have noticed what was happening and be glad to help you leave.
• Talk to your doctor. Your physician can offer counseling or connect you with a therapist, a shelter, or a local hotline. You can make this appointment like an ordinary doctor's appointment; your partner doesn't have to know why you are going to the doctor.
• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The Hotline is a toll-free call, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). There's a special TTY line for the deaf at 1-800-787-3224. Online information is at NDVH.org. The hotline isn't just for physical abuse. They're ready and waiting to help with all types of abusive relationships.

Making a Safety Plan

Although many emotional abusers never progress to physical violence, some do. If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, make a safety plan before you leave. If you're not ready to go yet, a safety plan can also help you while you're still in the relationship.

You'll find details about making a safety plan at the National Domestic Violence Hotline web site.

If You're the Abuser

If you think you might be emotionally abusing someone, help is available for you, too. You can call the same number at the Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Tell the counselor what's happening and let them know you want to stop. They can help get you on the right track to find treatment, get your emotions under better control, and learn to be in a healthier relationship.

For More Information

Women can find more information at the National Women's Health Information Center's Violence Against Women page.

Information for everyone is at the National Domestic Violence Hotline web site.

Comment on Emotionally Abusive Relationships

(Displayed with your comment)                        (Will not be displayed)

Verification Code: