Effects of Remarriage

There are many effects of remarriage on both the kids and the couple. This man was concerned enough to ask our dating coach for some advice.

What Are the Effects of Remarriage?

Reader Question

Hi, I got divorced one year ago and left the country where my wife and our two kids are residing. I travel back and forth to check on the kids. One of my ex's friends (call her J.), who use to work with me as well before I left the country, is divorced too. I knew her and her husband well, so I was close to her and her family offering support. Naturally, our relationship got stronger especially when we started working at the same office. I have to point out that during my divorce, J. disagreed with my ex's stand and she was trying very hard to help us sort our differences as a mediator yet things didn't work out and we got divorced.

I have proposed to J. because I have strong feelings for her. I believe she is a good person, will become a good mother ,and she will take care of me in addition to my strong desire to take care of her and to give her the children she always dreamed of. Her ex-husband did not want kids.

She claims to also have feelings for me yet she is concerned that marrying me will have negative consequences on her family for marrying her friend's ex's, on my kids because they will have psychological problems, and naturally on her friend. Through my research on the Internet, I found out that marrying a friend ex's is a taboo according to the American social standards. I am not American, my ex wife is not American but J. is American and therefore this subject is a concern for her. I am at the same time a strong believer that no Man can inflict harm on anybody if it’s not his destiny to be harmed as God is the ultimate benefactor; what we want is not against God's rulings and social standards shall never substitute God's laws.

My questions here are: if we are to marry each other; what do you think are the steps which we would take and what are the things that we should put into consideration in order to have minimal impact on the parties concerned? Is there anything valid about psychological effects which might happen to my kids because I married their mother's friend? They are 5 and 10 years old.

I appreciate your opinion on this and if there are links with more comprehensive information it would be great to include them in your feedback.

Thank you and best regards,

-- Contributed by: HT

Expert Reply

Dear HT,

I commend you for taking seriously the concerns your fiancé has about how the remarriage may affect your children. Likewise, I can appreciate you wanting to do the right thing for everyone involved as well as your desire to minimize the impact of remarrying on others. There are valid psychological effects that divorce has on children. Some of these concerns are normal and natural and others are a result of adult behavior.

Normal and natural effects include children hoping and wishing that their biological parents would one day reunite. This fantasy is universal and most often desired by younger children who do not understand things from an adult perspective. With time and maturity, most children eventually let go of this wish. Also included in this list is the fact that children grieve the loss of their parent’s marriage. It is sad for children to lose a parent and it is hard not to see each parent everyday. Over time and as long as both parents stay involved in their children’s lives, kids adjust to the new parenting arrangement.

Psychological effects that can have a negative impact on children include things such as one or both parents speaking ill of the other. When this happens children feel torn between the love and loyalty they feel for each parent. As a result, children often internalize their feelings of loss, sadness, anger etc. that can lead to negative behaviors in the children and as a result negatively influence a new marriage.

When each parent speaks highly of the other and stays actively involved in their children’s lives, the children learn to deal with the divorce in a healthy way. When the parents address the issues that are normal and natural for children in a helpful and supportive manner, children adapt to the divorce with minimal negative effects.

How your ex feels about you marrying a friend of hers can be another obstacle. If she has no problems and thinks it would be a wonderful idea, then it is unlikely to have a negative impact on your children or your relationship with your ex. If on the other hand she feels betrayed by you and your fiancé, chances are strong that this will have a negative impact on your children. Should this be a concern, it would be wise to try to work things out with your ex before remarrying. However, you can’t control how someone else feels or behaves, so you may have to just deal with this issue and hope that over time, the pain your ex feels lessens with minimal impact on your children.

Another obstacle may be your desire for your children to like your new wife. Relationships take time to develop and although you love your fiancé, it is not a guarantee that your children will love her immediately as well. Give your children time to develop a relationship with your fiancé. Don’t expect or force them to accept her as their ‘new mother’. No one can replace his or her mother nor should she try. Instead, create opportunities for your fiancé and children to spend time getting to know each other without the pressure of having to love each other. With time, your children will learn that they can love many people and be loved by many people, without being disloyal to either parent.

Finally, consider your relationship with your own children. They need to know that although you are remarrying and perhaps having more children, your love for them will not change. Children fear being replaced or abandoned by a parent. Spending time with your children and communicating with them often will go a long way in staying connected regardless of the physical distance between you and them.

By addressing all the potential issues listed in this response, you will go a long way to reduce and minimize the impact of marrying your ex-wife’s friend. In addition, you will be paving the way for a positive relationship between you, your children and your new wife.

~~Lori