Don't Settle

From LoveToKnow Dating

Lori, our dating coach, wants to remind you all... don't settle!

Don't Settle for Just Anyone

Reader Question

I was set up on a date with a widower of 5 years. We spoke on the phone a few times and saw each other at community events prior to our first date. On our first date, he told me that he had ended a one year relationship a few months ago and that it was terminated by the woman. He was honest and said he still had feelings for her. At the same time, he had met me and thought I was worth pursuing even though he still was not sure that he had resolved the old relationship. We went out a second time last night and he again told me that he still has feelings for this other woman. When I asked him point blank if he would get back together with her if she was willing he said yes. The question is... is it worth sticking around in the background and being a supportive friend and hope that this other relationship never rekindles, or move on? He happens to be a great, honest guy. As he says, he did not have to tell me all this. He could have just dated and strung me along while he figured out his feelings... thanks.

~~Karen

Expert Reply

Dear Karen,

One of the common complaints I get, mostly from woman over 30, is the difficulty of finding quality men to date. These women (and men) feed into the myth of dating which I call the Dating Scarcity Model. With this myth, women or men believe there are limited amounts of available singles in their age range, with a limited amount of places in which to meet these singles. As a result of this myth, dating becomes fear based: You are either frustrated with the thought of dating believing that the choices are too narrow to choose from, so you avoid dating. Instead, you obsess about the lack of quality singles and hold on to the wrong date fearing there is not someone better for you. I have seen women ‘settle’ and then be disappointed when their date breaks up with them.

You want a partner who treats you like there is no one else in the world. What you know about the widower is, he doesn’t think of you that way. Therefore, I am not surprised to hear that in the name of ‘honesty’ he is willing to tell you that you are not that special and in fact, he knows of someone who he believes to be more special. Then, because he cannot be with her, he is willing to be with you. He masks that frankness by telling you he did not have to tell you all this. He could have just dated you and strung you along while he figured out his feelings. To this response, you described this man as a, “great, honest guy.”

One common mistake unsuccessful daters make, is confusing honesty with candor. Contrary to what many people think, the sharing of too much personal information during the early stages of dating, in the name of “just being honest,” crosses both genders. People share personal information in order to appear open and honest. This is what your date was trying to do when he told you on your first date about the details of his previous relationship. What I want you to realize, is there’s difference between honesty and candor. Honesty is when you can share your thoughts, opinions and ideals with a date. Candor on the other hand, is when deeply personal information is shared without fear of being judged or feeling overexposed and vulnerable. When candor comes before trust has been developed the result can have a negative effect. This is your case with your date.

When your date was candid, he put you in the position of being his therapist. By using you as his personal therapist, he is then free to confide in you about his pain over his breakup. This would explain why you are willing to consider sticking around in the background and being a supportive friend. One of the exciting prospects of dating is discovering romance. Making a romantic connection is wonderful! It is new, thrilling and exciting. It makes us feel good about ourselves. An intimate connection is a result of two people having developed trust, through the process of each sharing honest and later, candid opinions, values, and experiences over a long period of time. A true intimate connection can’t come before trust has been established. When the romance of a new relationship leads to an intimate connection, the result is both individuals feel they each are getting their needs met.

As long as you are willing to allow this man to tell you about his ex, to hold the possibility of having a wonderful relationship with you hostage, you are settling. You don’t deserve to settle! It’s time to tell this man that while you understand it takes awhile to get over a broken heart, and you think he may be a wonderful man, you aren’t willing to settle. Let him know that you can’t be his therapist, that you want to be ‘special’ to someone. So when he gets over his broken heart, and should you not be in a relationship, you would like him to give you call. Then wish him the best and go start looking!

~~Lori

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