Divorce Depression Conflict

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A difficult divorce leads to divorce depression conflict. This situation can be hazardous to your moving on. Let our dating coach lead you down a better path.

Divorce Depression Conflict Resolution

Reader Question

My husband walked out on my daughter and me one year ago and has been with the other woman that he left for. I am hurting so bad as I see their pictures all of her myspace and they look so happy. I am having trouble moving on as all I can think about it what can I do to hurt them. We are in the middle of a nasty divorce and child custody battle. The other woman is trying to press harassment charges against me for what I really can't say. I am just wondering how long you think these relationships last. Do they last forever? How can a man walk out on his family and jump right back in to one with a new family?

-- Contributed by: Kelly

Expert Reply

Dear Kelly,

It sounds like you are going through a High Conflict divorce. Divorce is emotionally hard enough, even when two people agree that the marriage is over. When there are three people, you, your ex and his girlfriend, AND the process is high conflict, it can sometimes feel as though the odds are against you, draining you physically, emotionally and financially. When parents are in high conflict, it can be devastating for the child.

This may be why you are asking if the relationship between your soon-to-be ex-husband and his girlfriend will end any time soon. When a couple is engaged in high conflict and one partner is in a relationship with someone else, the conflict between the fighting couple can bring the non-fighting couple closer together. In other words, without intending, you may actually be bringing your husband and his girlfriend together. They are uniting against your anger and the battle over child custody. The reason for this is simple. Your husband draws comfort, encouragement and support from his girlfriend, which reinforces and refuels his anger against you. In response to his anger, you react and your reactions strengthen his resolve. The two of you unite in this dance of anger. As long as you continue to react rather than doing what is called for or needed in order to reduce conflict, it is likely your husband and his girlfriend will stay together.

One possible way to breakup their connection, is to behave the opposite of your hurt and anger. This is not easy or simple. To understand how destructive a high conflict divorce is to your daughter I would suggest you read up on it. An Internet search will produce a plethora of information on the topic. Changing behavior is not easy, which is why I am also recommending you talk with a therapist who specializes in counseling people going through a high conflict divorce. You need all the support you can get and you need someone who can help you see that there are alternative ways to respond to your husband that are psychologically and emotionally beneficial to you and your daughter

Whatever the reason your husband left the marriage, fighting him won’t bring him back. As the saying goes, you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. Here’s a tip to try. The next time you feel provoked by your husband or his girlfriend, instead of responding with anger, smile and disengage. Then go do a random act of kindness. One random act could be to donate to a child’s charity in your daughter’s name. This way, your money is going to make a child’s life better rather than to your lawyer’s wallet thicker.

~~Lori

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