Dealing with Jealousy

Dealing with Jealousy

Reader Question

My wife and I have been married for three months. We were expecting furniture service in our home. When the tech arrived, I was across the street with a neighbor getting tips on kitchen remodeling. I walked in the house and stood at the hallway for three good seconds, my wife was seating on the couch armrest, with one leg down towards the floor and one leg perched on the armrest. Her legs were not closed instead they were opened far apart. The tech was two to three feet in front of her.

My question to you is,” Is that a proper/improper way of sitting? She does not think so, while I do. I asked other married men, brothers, future brother in law, and they all said it was improper. The ex-married/married men I asked all suggested it is improper. What am I to do, if my wife doesn’t think so. Insecure/jealous/first time married guy. What do you think?

-- Contributed by: Hector R

Expert Reply

Dear Hector,

If your wife was wearing pants and sitting the way you described, nothing was improper about the way she was sitting. However, if she were sitting in a dress or skirt where the tech could see her underpants, then I would say that the way she was sitting was improper.

There is really another issue here to address and that is your insecurity and jealousy. What do you think is the root of why you don’t trust your wife? Has she given you a reason to be jealous? If she hasn’t, then it is you who has the problem and not how your wife sits on an armrest. Although it would be easy to blame her, by saying she does things to make you jealous, this type of thinking is wrong. You are responsible for your feelings, thinking and behaviors. Lack of controlling your feelings could be detrimental to your marriage.

A healthy marriage needs trust as a foundation. Just like a building needs to be built on a solid foundation or it will crumble and fall, so does a marriage. Although the two of you are newly married, it would be worth it to seek guidance from your clergy or a counselor to address your insecurities. I would even recommend that you talk with your wife about your feelings and ask her if she would join you in talking to a clergy or counselor. Jealousy is like a crack in the foundation of the relationship. If left unattended a cracked foundation can destroy a marriage. Working with your wife on the emotional issue is like having a partner who is there for you when you need her.

~~Lori

Problems with Jealousy

Reader Question

Dear Lori,

I am 21. I hope you could help me with some relationship advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. He's a very good guy, very unselfish and treats me very good. I have this problem, I don't mind if he hangs out with his friends from time to time. He rarely ever goes out. But I'm so jealous with my time with him. We recently moved to a new state and are living with his best friend of 10 years, until we get our own place. So he tends to want to spend time with his friend, but they rarely go out. I don't really care if he goes out, but there are times that deep inside I get so jealous and I don't know why. I don't make a big deal about it, but sometimes I'll ask questions or he'll tell by my expression that I'm not happy with it, because he reads me so well. I don't want him to feel like he can't do anything because I know that guys need there guy time. I understand that, I just don't understand why deep down I get so jealous. Is it something that comes with age, I know us women when we're younger we tend to be more needy. I would really appreciate your help. Sincerely, Vicky

-- Contributed by: Vicky

Expert Reply

Dear Vicky,

I think every person in a relationship feels some jealousy every once and a while. For most, this feeling passes quickly. If jealousy often invades your thoughts, this emotion can have serious impact on the relationship. The jealous partner recognizes that the feelings and thoughts are unreasonable, but has difficulty controlling them. Common behaviors include suspicion, questioning and overt or covert accusations. Like your boyfriend, the other partner may become frustrated because he has no way to prove his innocence.

Wanting to stop the jealous behavior is one thing, controlling the thoughts is quite another. The lack of control may push you to find ways to prove your suspicions are correct. The problem with this faulty thinking is that trust can never be proven; only disproved. If you want a loving relationship with your boyfriend, you are going to have to choose to trust him. Trust is a choice and if you’re finding it difficult, this may be because you fear he will disappoint and hurt you. For you trust is easier said then done.

In order to control your jealousy, you’ll need to understand what causes it. Jealousy is rooted in feelings of insecurity, fear of being vulnerable or abandoned, and low self-esteem. Given that you have moved to a new state with no form of support except for your boyfriend, any one of these sources would make sense. Once you have figured out the reason or reasons for your jealousy, you can begin to take the necessary steps to stop the behaviors.

To work on controlling this emotion, begin by making an effort to stop questioning, accusing or making your boyfriend feel guilty for spending time away from you. This may mean you literally bite your tongue or go to another room when one of these behaviors starts. You may think that questioning him will alleviate your pain. Remind yourself that his answering your questions is only a temporary feel good and that questioning him is destructive to building a trusting relationship.

Resist engaging in jealous talk or thinking. Whenever you recognize you’re doing the behavior tell yourself to "shut up," literally. In the beginning, you may experience a lot of self-talk. Remember that changing a behavior takes time. It is more important that you forgive and continue making slow progress, then give up and continue with the old behavior.

Finally, work on improving your self-esteem. What steps can you take to become familiar with your new environment? Perhaps you can take a class, find a job, or join a group or organization. Once you take steps to improve your confidence, you’ll make new friends and develop your own support system beyond your boyfriend. The more you do to reduce your jealous behaviors, the better your relationship will be with your boyfriend.

~~Lori