Cultural Differences

Cultural Differences Concern

Reader Question

Dear Lori

I really like this Asian girl but, do not know how to get her to go out with me. Any advice?

~~ Shy One

Expert Reply

Dear Shy One,

Since you've identified the girl you’re interested in going out with as Asian, I am assuming that you think her ethnicity might have something to do with getting her to go out with you. The cultural differences may or may not matter. Let’s assume for the moment that her parents are third generation American/Asian and she is fourth generation; it would be appropriate to expect that they and she are more assimilated to this country’s dating customs. If this were the situation, then approaching her would be similar to asking any girl out regardless of culture.

On the other hand, asking a girl out when her parents are first or second generation Asian/American, would be very different. One would expect in this situation that dating customs are more reflective of their country of origin. This would require you to know a thing or two about the dating customs of her culture.

Regardless of whether culture plays a part in your possible romance, getting to know her and demonstrating that you are someone worth getting to know is the first step. The skills needed are the ones used by men who understand how to win a woman’s heart. The secret – be charming and appealing. Women can’t help but fall for a guy who is appealing. Why? A man who is appealing touches a woman’s heart.

The Approach

Don’t worry about the perfect “opening line.” There is no such thing. What is important is to recognize that the use of an opener is to getting someone to respond in order to start a conversation. General comments about your surroundings, the activity, circumstances or event, for example, the weather, (“Doesn’t look like the sunny day they predicted?” or “fall is a wonderful time of year, don’t you think?”). The goal is to make a vague comment either stated as a question through a rising intonation as through you were asking of a question. Stay away from asking open ended questions as they demand a reply, and can come across as intrusive. Use of the non-personal comment invites her to respond or choose not to respond to you.

A positive response from her would include a reply that is longer than the question you asked and includes some personal comment (“I prefer summer myself.”) and offers a question or reply back from you. The biggest mistake you could make is to try and have your opening line be flirtatious, rather than simply starting a conversation.

Reciprocity'

A good conversation is like a good tennis volley, back and forth. In the case of conversation, it is listening and talking. If one person talks too much or too little, they can come across as hogging the conversation or bored. Sharing information that starts with impersonal comments and moves toward gradual sharing of personal information at her pace will show your consideration and charm. A word or two of caution, negativity is a real turn off. If you talk too much about the bad or complain, she will become bored or frustrated. Compliments should be general and to things you are interested in, such as hobbies, surroundings, and the food.

A good sign that she is interested in you is how she participates in the conversation. The signs here may be culturally different as those of Asian decent are much more polite then we Westerners. So look beyond politeness (smile, eye contact) and toward her engaging in the conversation.

Saying Goodbye

When it comes time to end the conversation, your goal is to invite her to join you in some activity. Since you may not be sure as to her level of interest, your parting words take on a higher level of significance. Subtle hints and positive body language will help you get a feel of her level of interest.

Honesty about your interest in wanting to see her is likely to produce the best results. You can ask her in a general way first. This will allow you to see if she is open to meeting with you alone. “Would you like to get some coffee next week?” If she is receptive, you can then ask on the spot. If you are insure as to her level of interest, you can give her an opportunity to join you and others in an activity. “Some friends and I are going to play pool on Saturday, maybe you and your friends would like to join us?” You can then write down the place and time with your number or suggest you will call her with the details and ask how she would like you to reach her.

Since culture may or may not be a factor in getting to know this girl for possible romance, applying the same considerations as you would to any girl you would want to get to know, it the safest approach.

~~ Lori