Couples Fighting

Problems with Couples Fighting

Reader Question

Hello. I am currently "in-between" a relationship right now. We love each other VERY much and don’t want to be without each other, but we just can’t get along. He is 39 and I am 22. We fight about the stupidest little things. I’m not sure if its because we misunderstand each other or if its because were both bull headed. I don’t know what to do and can’t afford counseling. We do love each other though. What do we do?

-- Contributed by: Crystal

Expert Reply

Dear Crystal,

In your question, you tell me that you and your boyfriend love each other VERY much. Yet, you describe yourself as currently being ‘in-between’ a relationship. You say that you and your boyfriend can’t live without each other, then go on to say that you don’t get along with each other Which is it? Are you in the relationship with this guy or out?

This half-in and half-out may be one reason you don’t trust the relationship. It may also explain why the two of you fight about "stupid stuff." This pattern is both unhealthy and breaks down any trust the relationship might have once had. You’re using anger and fighting as a way for your boyfriend to show you that he is committed to the relationship. If he cares about me, then he’ll get mad and fight with me. The fighting is a way for expressing the unspoken words and fears you and/or he feels. The making up reinforces that he cares about you. Things are good for a while and then the cycle begins again. This way of interacting isn’t adult love, this is childlike behavior.

Perhaps you feel insecure about his past relationships. Maybe something about the age differences between the two of you that is causing the distrust. Whatever the reason, as long as the two of you use fighting and breaking up as a way to speak the unspoken, you’ll remain half-in and half-out of the relationship. My suggestion is that the two of you sit down and each talk about your own fears, insecurities and wants for the relationship. This isn’t about pointing out what the other person is doing wrong or how the other person needs to change. This is about taking responsibility for your own behaviors.

Once you take ownership for yourselves and the behaviors each of you do the breakdown trust, you can then talk about how to work together to support each other, encourage each other and rebuild or perhaps build trust. Confidence in a relationship doesn’t come from fighting; it comes from problem-solving and working together toward a shared future.

~~Lori

Communication and Trust

Reader Question

I have been with the same person for about four years. It has been very on and off for several reasons. For the first part of our relationship, he was dating other women. So there are definitely trust issues because of our past. He is currently dating only me. I don't question that he loves me or that I love him. I do feel like because of our past, trust is a problem. How do I move past that? Another big issue is our communication. An example: He makes plans with me to have dinner; he gets tired, and does not call or message me to cancel. So the next day it turns into a big argument. His excuse is he has responsibilities like a daughter, a career, etc. And my reply is, Why didn't he just say that he couldn't make it? We've talked about going to counseling, but is our relationship even salvageable? There is no doubt we love each other. When we are together, we get along. When we're apart, we don't get along. Please help.

-- Contributed by: Michelle

Expert Reply

Dear Michelle,

When you say that your boyfriend was dating others during the first part of your relationship, was this with or without your knowledge? In other words, were the two of you mutually exclusive and he cheated or were the two of you just getting to know each other and hadn’t yet reached the point where you both agreed to be monogamous? If you both were mutually exclusive and he cheated on you then I can understand why there are trust issues. If on the other hand, the situation was that you only dated one person at a time while your boyfriend dating many people until he found someone he wanted to be exclusive with, then the trust issue is a ‘your’ problem and not an ‘our’ problem.

For many people in a relationship, trust and love are synonymous. So I question your statement that "you don’t question he loves you." I think you do question the depth of his love, which is where those feelings of insecurity come from when the two of you are apart. You don’t trust him and with good reason, you don’t feel included in his decision making. He makes plans with you and doesn’t show up or have the courtesy to call? Then when you question him, he minimizes your feelings and offers up excuses for his behavior. You may even wonder how important you are in his life. So, while you believe that he is only dating you, when he doesn’t follow through on the plans that have been made, there is a part of you that wonders if he is out with another woman. Here is the root of the trust issue and this is why you keep coming back to the early part of your dating history.

After fours years together, the two of you are not behaving like a committed couple who makes joint decisions together, but rather a couple who is in the early stages of dating and whose decision-making is independent of the other person. The two of you need to decide what you want the future of your relationship to be. If you’re thinking about a marriage and he’s thinking a future of continuous dating, counseling will be of little use. For counseling to be effective, both of you need to be on the same page moving in the same direction. Without the two of you sitting down and talking about what each of you wants or sees as your future together, you can’t know if the relationship is salvageable or not.

The first step is for the two of you to have an open and honest talk about your relationship. The outcome of your talk will determine if the next step is counseling to help improve communication. With this information, you can determine whether you want to stay with this guy or move on.

~~Lori