Controlling Behaviors

Do you Have Controlling Behaviors

Reader Question

Hello, I have been with a woman that is 3 years older than me for just past 4 months. I have caught her in a lie about a past relationship. She has also had a friend of 14 years pull her shirt down and take pictures and not showed me, flirted with guys in front of me too. She has also changed some things within the past 2 weeks. (Started talking about getting breast implants AFTER I told her she looked fine, she bought a new skirt and top, she has put a password on the computer, she also checks her email when I am not over at her house, she calls me from different numbers at work and she used to call from her cell phone only. We were (at the beginning) having sex 3 times a week, then none for almost 10 days at a time and now she only wants quickies. I feel that something isn't right because I feel that she is distant). She used to go out to sing karaoke about 3 nights a week and now only goes out 1 time every other week. I need your help! Do you feel she is cheating on me (I work nights and she works during the day) and should I just move on or confront her and what should I say?

-- Contributed by: David

Expert Reply

Dear David,

I agree with you, something is wrong with your relationship and I don’t just think it’s with the woman you’re dating. It is normal for a woman to buy clothing or behave goofy around her girlfriends (granted having your top pulled down is at the extreme). It is also normal for her to do things and NOT tell the man she is dating. What is unusual is your reaction to her behaviors.

You take it as a personal affront that she does things without your knowledge or permission. I can’t help but wonder if her current behaviors are in reaction to feeling as if you’re too demanding? In the beginning of dating you’re not a couple you’re more like two people just getting together in order to get to know one another. Somewhere around the three to four month point, each person decides if there is enough interest, commonalities, and attraction to continue dating. If there is not, then two people will break up. If there is, then the couple will begin to dating more exclusively. Some people only date one person at a time. Even so, the period for deciding if you want to continue dating is still the same.

Based on the behaviors you have described, I think this woman’s level of interest in you has changed. What I am not sure of is whether it changed because of your behavior or her level of interest or a combination of both. I think it’s time for you to talk with her and find out what’s changed and why. Be open to hearing why her feelings for you have changed. On the other hand, do you really want to continue dating a woman who is not that into you? Perhaps it’s time for you to say ‘goodbye’ to her?

~~Lori