Controlling Behaviors

From LoveToKnow Dating

Are you exhibiting signs of controlling behaviors or is someone you love? Sometimes your issues are actually your own doing. Check out these questions to the Ask the Dating Coach.

Do you Have Controlling Behaviors

Reader Question

Hello, I have been with a woman that is 3 years older than me for just past 4 months. I have caught her in a lie about a past relationship. She has also had a friend of 14 years pull her shirt down and take pictures and not showed me, flirted with guys in front of me too. She has also changed some things within the past 2 weeks. (Started talking about getting breast implants AFTER I told her she looked fine, she bought a new skirt and top, she has put a password on the computer, she also checks her email when I am not over at her house, she calls me from different numbers at work and she used to call from her cell phone only. We were (at the beginning) having sex 3 times a week, then none for almost 10 days at a time and now she only wants quickies. I feel that something isn't right because I feel that she is distant). She used to go out to sing karaoke about 3 nights a week and now only goes out 1 time every other week. I need your help! Do you feel she is cheating on me (I work nights and she works during the day) and should I just move on or confront her and what should I say?

-- Contributed by: David

Expert Reply

Dear David,

I agree with you, something is wrong with your relationship and I don’t just think it’s with the woman you’re dating. It is normal for a woman to buy clothing or behave goofy around her girlfriends (granted having your top pulled down is at the extreme). It is also normal for her to do things and NOT tell the man she is dating. What is unusual is your reaction to her behaviors.

You take it as a personal affront that she does things without your knowledge or permission. I can’t help but wonder if her current behaviors are in reaction to feeling as if you’re too demanding? In the beginning of dating you’re not a couple you’re more like two people just getting together in order to get to know one another. Somewhere around the three to four month point, each person decides if there is enough interest, commonalities, and attraction to continue dating. If there is not, then two people will break up. If there is, then the couple will begin to dating more exclusively. Some people only date one person at a time. Even so, the period for deciding if you want to continue dating is still the same.

Based on the behaviors you have described, I think this woman’s level of interest in you has changed. What I am not sure of is whether it changed because of your behavior or her level of interest or a combination of both. I think it’s time for you to talk with her and find out what’s changed and why. Be open to hearing why her feelings for you have changed. On the other hand, do you really want to continue dating a woman who is not that into you? Perhaps it’s time for you to say ‘goodbye’ to her?

~~Lori

Bad Marriage or Not?

Reader Question

I made the mistake of accepting a marriage proposal after the death of my father. My husband and I dated for a very short time. The sad thing is in that short time there were red flags but I just ignored them. I have three teenage boys from my first marriage and a 3 year old with my husband. He is a police officer and has a military background. He attempts to control everything around him. I have fought him tooth and nail and now I am just tired and weary. I constantly think about dying just to relieve myself of the situation. I don't know if I am being overly dramatic or just crazy. The thing that I don't understand is I am a college graduate and not usually the kind of person who would allow this to happen to her. Right now, I feel trapped by my circumstances. My kids see everyday the pain my husband puts me through. Why can I not break this cycle? Help me to find clarity.

-- Contributed by: Hurting

Expert Reply

Dear Hurting,

One of the dangers of the ocean is the strong current. When you fight the current, you lose energy and you make no progress. However, when you go with the strong current you reserve energy. You may go a couple miles out of your way, but once the power of the current subsides, you will be able to swim to shore and walk back. It sounds like you have been ‘fighting’ the strength of the current -- your husband in your marriage. As a result, you are exhausted. The situation looks hopeless and you feel helpless that things will never change. You blame yourself for the situation. Let's look at a different perspective.

Rather than see your second marriage as a mistake, try looking at it without so much judgment. Given the circumstances at that time in your life, your dad’s death and three children depending on you, you were doing a lot of grieving. Your decision to marry someone with a strong personality was the result of feeling very vulnerable and wanting someone to lean on who was decisive, good in a crisis, and could take care of things. Police officers take control of matters and make decisions on the spot. Your choice for a partner was no accident and neither was his. Being in control, dependable and reliable makes him feel capable and like a good provider. When seeing the marriage from this prospective, it is easier to see what drew the two of you to each other and the roles that each of you took within the marriage. Change is constant, so it should be no surprise that over time your grieving would lessen and with it your dependence.

From this perspective, it is easier to see that no one person is to blame for how thing are now. When you take the blame out, you open the door to possibilities and choices. You can choose to work with your husband on developing the tools and skills for a marriage that is more satisfying to both of you. This will require working with a professional who has knowledge of and experience with couples in which one or both partners is an officer. The benefit of this type of professional is that you and your husband are working together (swimming with the current). Should your husband not feel confident to talk with a professional, you can choose to do this on your own and still improve your marriage. If talking with a professional as a couple is not something you want to do initially, that is ok. Things are not hopeless and I would still recommend talking with a professional who can point out other options for empowering yourself.

~~Lori

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