Confusing Breakup

Stuck in a confusing breakup that left you baffled? Let our Dating Coach, Lori, help you struggle through what it all means.

Confusing Breakup Concern

Reader Question

Hi! I'm 23 years old and met a guy about four months ago. He got my number from my sister and never asked me personally for it. Once we started talking I asked why he never asked me for it, he said because he didn't think I would give it to him. Guys say these things all the time to me. I don't know why, I'm not mean. Once my sister’s boyfriend told me that guys think I'm intimidating. I'm cute, long blonde hair, blue eyes, tall, average built but guys always seem to screw me over.

Anyway back to the story, the guy I met kept texting me to hang out and I always made up excuses to not hang out because when I first met him I didn't think he was my type. Well the texts stopped after two weeks as my excuse to not hang was always I have school/homework. As soon as finals were over he starting texting me to hang out again. Finally I agreed and went to his house, watched a movie and we talked when I realized I could possibly date him. On my way home he texts me saying he had fun, was glad I had came over and he wanted to hang out again to take me to dinner/or a movie. So, we start hanging out, he took me to the movies, he seemed so sweet. We didn't hang out all the time but a couple times a week and every time he would leave my house or I would leave his house he would send me those sweet texts saying how much he liked hanging out and he had fun. Well, we continued to hang out but the texts when I leave stopped. I didn't think anything of it.

I then go on vacation and he calls saying he wished I was there but he had been drinking this night. Drunken words are sober thoughts? So when I returned I went to his house with my sister one night and his roommates told her Ryan really likes your sister, she's the only girl we've met and the only girl that comes over. So, I'm on cloud nine after my sister tells me this. Then a week later he asks me to go bowling with his friends but I was tired so I declined. The next night he calls me to come over but it was late and I had to get up early so I didn't go. Let me also tell you, we were talking all the time not everyday but probably every other day even if we didn't hang out. So the next night my friend is in town visiting and wants to meet him. I texted him with no response back, and then I call him and still nothing. So I just leave it at that.

A couple hours later my friend calls him instead and a guy picks up and tells her she has the wrong number it’s not Ryan's phone. So then I call from my phone, a guy answers and again says I have the wrong number. I call back again, and then a girl answers saying Ryan is busy, so I'm nice and hang up. I call back about fifteen minutes later and a girl answers again. I ask for Ryan and she asks why I keep calling saying she's his girlfriend. I hang up. I'm so upset and mad I call back. She answers again and I ask again if she is his girlfriend and she says yes. So then I tell her if he is your boyfriend, he has been cheating on you for about three months with me.

I'm now so upset I go to my best guy friend’s house. When I explain what is wrong, he says Ryan has a girl back home (in another state which I knew about) he used to talk about but I didn't think they got back together. I explain how he just called me the night before to hang out.

I'm completely confused. Why would his roommates say that to my sister about him and me if he had a girlfriend? While no one I've talked to thinks he has a girlfriend, deep down I think he is seeing someone else just from his actions lately. I really need advice on what someone thinks is going on or what I should do. He hasn't called and I haven't called either. I really liked this guy and I think he really liked me too. Am I just completely blind? Like I said I seem to get "screwed over" a lot with guys, I'm never the "girl that is made into the girlfriend". I'm not promiscuous at all. I was raised better than that, so that’s not it; he and I even talked about this issue. And I'm not trying to sound conceited but I'm kind of cute. When we first started hanging out he kept calling me good looking and beautiful but I asked him to stop because I don't like it when guys tell me that. He was so sweet in the beginning, the complete opposite of anyone I've ever dated. We were never officially boyfriend-girlfriend though.

Please help; I definitely need some advice other than my friends or sisters. What do I do now? What is wrong with me that guys always screw me over like this? I'm never the girl they want to stay with...and there is never a reason why. Just out of nowhere the guys are talking to different girls! Please.

~~Nikki

Expert Reply

Dear Nikki,

Rejection isn’t fun no matter what side of the “goodbye” you’re on. Dating and rejection are like love and marriage; you can’t have one without the other. Likewise, dating is one of those rare opportunities where you will have many chances to experience both sides of the “goodbye” on the road to finding Mr. Right. I think this is a good thing. We don’t come into the world knowing what qualities are important for our particular Mr. Right to have. We have to learn this information through our experience of dating. Dating also provides us an opportunity to discover what we need to work on within ourselves in order to be a good partner to another person.

The Difference between Mr. Right Now and Mr. Right

I think your guy was very interested in you for a period of time and that is why his roommate told your sister that Ryan liked you. And while it is true that something changed on his part, you don’t need to know what changed for him in order to move forward. This relationship identified for you some important qualities you want from a guy you like. For example, you liked the feeling of having a guy pursue you. While you watched a movie that first night, you discovered things about this guy that changed your mind about him. Make a list of those qualities; they will be some of the things you will look for in the next person. You liked that the two of you didn’t hang out all the time, but had frequent phone contact. You liked that he let you know he enjoyed being with you via text messaging. These are all important and worth remembering.

Rejection hurts. And no one wants to hurt someone. This explains why you will often be rejected without knowing the reason. In this scenario, Ryan didn’t handle things himself. Instead of talking with you, he let his “friends” speak for him. That is why you feel like you got screwed over. I think if you step back and look at this from another perspective you will see that you didn’t get screwed over, you just got involved in a relationship with someone who liked you for a short period of time and did a lousy job of ending a relationship.

Maturity

Based on the way you and this guy dated and how he ended it, I would say that you dated a guy who hasn’t matured emotionally or socially. You dated a guy who in his early twenties, is dating like he is in high school. When you start dating guys who are mature you will notice a BIG difference. For one thing they won’t ask your sister for your phone number, they’ll ask you directly. When you start dating guys who are mature, they won’t ask you to come over a watch a movie as a first date, they’ll want to take you out and show you a good time. Guys who are mature want to impress a woman like you. One of the reasons you may feel like there is something wrong with you (and there is not) may be because you’ve matured and the guys you have dated haven’t. You need to start looking in a new pond.

Learning About Ms. Right

When a relationship goes bad, it is easy to identify what the “other” person did wrong. But endings are also an opportunity for you to look at your own behaviors. Did you act in ways you are proud of? Knowing what you know now, would you do anything differently? For example, you sensed early on that things had changed in the relationship; you stated in your question "we continued to hang out but the texts when I leave stopped. I didn’t think anything of it.” Whoa! His behavior changed and you chose not to ask him about it. Why? What stopped you? Were you afraid of what he might say? Good communication starts with being willing to talk about the things that are on your mind. When someone’s pattern of behavior changes, that is a red flag it’s time to talk. Ask questions, share concerns, and be open to giving and receiving feedback.

I noticed from your question that he let you know that he liked you, but I didn’t read how you let him know how you were feeling. Guys want to know that the woman they are pursuing shares the same level of interest. They need positive reinforcement. Otherwise, they will find a woman who will make them feel good about themselves. What ways do you let the guy you are interested in know how you feel about him?

Moving On

Realize that just because this relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you (or him, for that matter). It’s not personal; it’s dating. You will (hopefully) date many Mr. Right Now’s before you meet the one Mr. Right. Learning to see a relationship ending objectively – neither good nor bad but rather something that just is – will help you move forward toward letting go of the past and holding an open heart toward your future Mr. Right. And wouldn’t you rather be with a Mr. Right than a Mr. Right now?

~~Lori

Bad Boyfriend

Reader Question

I’m a freshman in high school and have had a huge crush on this guy since the beginning of the year. His name is Matt and he is a year older than me at the same school. Almost a month ago he called me and asked me out. We talked until 4 a.m. He was so sweet, never pressured me, and called me everyday just to talk and "hear my voice." One of my best friends told me yesterday that he has been texting her to tell her she is hot and cute, and he has also been grabbing her. Today at school I ignored him all day and gave him back the necklace he gave me. Do you think what I did was right or mean? I already have tons of people who have seen him grab her and I’ve seen the actual text messages. What should I do; I’m so confused.

~~Leah

Expert Reply

Dear Leah,

Every girl has an idea of what makes a good boyfriend and you are no exception; he is sweet, never pressures me and calls everyday to talk and hear my voice. And like you, every girl knows what makes a bad boyfriend; he texts my best friend, he told her she is cute and hot, and he grabbed at her. The trouble is not every boy knows what makes a good or a bad boyfriend. A boy learns when a girl is willing to tell him. This is especially true when he messes up.

I don’t think you were being mean when you got angry with your boyfriend for being a jerk. I do agree with you that his behaviors were mean and insensitive to your feelings. So while you may have thought your reaction was a ‘DUUUH!’ moment. “It’s so obvious, I am giving you back the necklace you gave me and ignoring you. Something is bothering me!” He only sees, “she broke up with me. Oh well.” Had your best friend told him to stop text messaging her because it would hurt your feelings, or told him in no uncertain terms that grabbing her is totally inappropriate and if he does it again she will report him to school authorities, he might have gotten a clue that his behaviors were way out of line.

Then, when you didn’t tell him what he did that hurt your feelings, you let him off the hook too. Herein lays the problem. Most guys don’t intentionally set out to hurt girl’s feelings. Likewise, most guys just aren’t good at mind reading; they have to be told, explicitly what they are doing that is wrong or hurtful. One more thing about guys, they aren’t good at picking up the subtle nonverbal clues about feelings the way girls can. For most guys, they only understand that a girl is upset or something is bothering her is when they see her cry.

This means, you need to have a phone chat with your guy and tell him what he did that was hurtful, wrong and makes him a bad boyfriend. By you talking with him now, two great things will happen. The first, you will teach him how to be a better boyfriend for some other lucky girl. The second more important thing, you are setting a high standard with all the other boys. The message being, you will not tolerate poor boyfriend behaviors, nor will you let a boy hurt your feelings without him knowing about it. This, my friend, will make you a good communicator and a good girlfriend.

~~Lori

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