Conflicts in Honesty

From LoveToKnow Dating

Did you share too much and now you have conflicts in honesty? Let our dating coach help define when too much truth is too much!

Conflicts in Honesty vs. Candor

Reader Question

I've been talking to this girl for about 2 weeks now. We both agreed that we would get to know each other before we went out, partly because we are both very busy and because we met online. We have many common interests, beliefs and morals. We share many of the same life goals. From the many pictures she has up, I am attracted to her and she has told me many times that she thinks I’m very handsome. The problem came the other night when I decided to tell her about a personal tragedy that happened to me. Previously I had told her that in college I had a problem with drugs and that I have been clean for over 3 years. I stressed very much how I made mistakes, have learned from them, and now have goals that I want to achieve. She responded in saying, I also have a past and I won't judge you on yours. The problem came when she found out it was a hard drug that I did and her father who she is real close with is a police officer. After I told her, she said she doesn't think she could date someone with a criminal and hard drug usage past. We continued to talk that night; she said she still wanted to be friends etc, etc. I don't want to be friends. Last night she made the comment to me, "I just don't know what to say to you. I am really upset that this didn't work out" then she logged off the computer and that was yesterday. I don't know what to think or do. I haven't invested that much time in her, however everything else up until that seemed like we were perfect for each other. Do you have any advice for me?

-- Contributed by: Donnie

Expert Reply

Dear Donnie,

You made a mistake that is common among daters, especially Internet daters. You shared too much personal information about yourself before you established trust. You confused honesty, which is important in dating with, being candid, which is not good at the start of a new relationship. One reason for this mistake might be that you don’t understand the subtle differences between honesty and candor.

Honesty is connected to integrity. When we live our life with integrity, we are living, acting and behaving authentically. To have a healthy and successful relationship with others honesty and integrity are essential. When it comes to dating, you let the other person know your preferences, “I don’t like to eat fish.” “I like it when you hold my hand.” Your thoughts, “I believe Internet dating is a great way to meet more people.” “I think in the beginning it is better to meet for coffee and see if there is chemistry rather than go out for dinner.” Moreover, your idea’s, “For me, a great get away is to the beach.”

To be candid with another person is to share vulnerabilities. This is a deeper level of honesty. It is best to be candid once you develop trust. When we are honest with another person, we are taking a risk that the other person shares or at least has similar interests, values and beliefs to our own. As commonality grows over a long period, trust begins to emerge. Trust is the ability to predict how another person will respond or react to our vulnerabilities. There is reciprocity with trust, we believe that we know how the other person will react and they know how we will react to learning about their vulnerabilities.

You did not have trust with this new person when you shared some very vulnerable and revealing information about your past. As a result, her reaction surprised you. You were candid when you should have been honest. In the future, share honest information with a possible date. This honesty should be just to the point of feeling a little awkward or a little uncomfortable. Then wait for the other person to do two things. The first is to see how she responds to the information you have shared. The second is to see if she reciprocates and shares information about herself that was a little uncomfortable.

It is safe to match the timing and the amount of personal information you share to that of the other person. This is called mirroring. When you mirror, you are in sync with your date. Being in sync is a good way to observe where you stand in the relationship and when it is the right time to be candid.

~~Lori

Retrieved from "http://dating.lovetoknow.com/Conflicts_in_Honesty"