Communication Problems in a Relationship

Dealing with Communication Problems in a Relationship

Reader Question

I have been seeing this younger man for two months now and I found out that he started smoking pot again. I hate any kind of drugs and he knows how I feel. He just said that it’s a part of him and I will have to learn to deal with it. Should I give him an ultimatum so soon in our relationship? We are currently moving in together and I know he has had a bad childhood. I want to talk to him but he really doesn't open up to much about things.

~~KJ

Expert Reply

Dear KJ,

Moving in with a person can be both exciting and tough. What can make moving in with someone rough is that each person comes into the relationship with his or her own ways of doing things. Sometime those ‘ways’ are not compatible with the other person’s style. When this happens, tension is likely to rise in the relationship as two people learn to negotiate, compromise, and work through the initial problems of living together. In addition to discovering the idiosyncrasies of the other person, the couple has to share and discuss sensitive issues like money, chores, and privacy… etc. If the couple has not talked about and agreed to how these sensitive issues would be addressed prior to moving in together, then the relationship will feel the pressure of talking (or not talking) about these issues after the move-in has taken place. For a couple to move in together, the relationship needs to be solid enough to withstand the stressors that are natural for two people living together.

This does not sound like it is the case for you and your boyfriend. In your situation, there seems to be sensitive areas that either have not been talked about or are non-negotiable. This is not good for any relationship, let alone one of living together. You wonder if it is too soon to give your boyfriend an ultimatum about his drug use. You should only give an ultimatum if you plan to follow through on it. However, your boyfriend already gave you an ultimatum about his drug use when he told you, that smoking pot was part of him and you will just have to learn to deal with it.

Your relationship with the guy is already off to a very rough start whether or not you respond to his smoking by giving him an ultimatum. For one thing, you say you just learned after dating for two months that he had a pot habit. Upon learning of his drug use and talking with him about it, he responded by dismissing your feelings about drug use and giving you an ultimatum. Second, you feel strongly about drug use, but seem willing to ignore your own feelings. Third, you don’t feel comfortable talking to your boyfriend about things that will upset him. If you move in with this guy as things currently are, you will be compromising your values and beliefs in order to live with someone who has shown so little respect for your thoughts and feelings.

~~Lori