Coming Out of the Closet

If you are just announcing you are gay and coming out of the closet with this truth, it can create some turmoil with family and friends. Let our dating coach help you deal with this sudden change of events.

So this isn’t your normal situation... I feel like I’ve messed everything up by being myself. I’m lesbian and I just came out of the closet. In this process, I’ve lost my best friend, we’ve been friends forever. I broke up with my boyfriend 3 months before and now he’s dealing with the backlash. In addition, I broke my poor mother’s heart, who would do anything for me. My lover is so depressed because my mom doesn’t want us to see one another until I’m 18 in a year.

-- Contributed by: nichole

Dear Nichole,

I want to congratulate you for your willingness to live with integrity. Being true to yourself by telling family and friends that you are a lesbian took courage and maturity, and definitely was not an easy thing for you to do. I am sure you gave a lot of thought to when, how and with whom you were going to share this information. At times, I even imagine you struggled with your decision to tell the people who mean so much to you, the truth of who you are. In the end, you realized there really wasn’t any other choice.

Now you’re left dealing with their struggle to understand what they always believed about you (that you were heterosexual) is not true. Now you wonder if you have made a mistake in being so honest. Let me reassure you: you have not made a mistake. You have just miscalculated how quickly people would accept this information and how supportive they would be while learning to accept this "change."

Take your former boyfriend, for example. He is at an age when feeling insecure about his sexuality, and his manhood are first and foremost on his mind, which is perfectly normal. He is thinking about sex and his own sexuality all the time. Every decision he makes confirms or denies his judgment of how he sees himself. When you shared your information with him, he personalized it. What does it mean to have a former girlfriend that is a lesbian? What does this information say about him and his ability to trust his judgment? Finding out the girl you once made out with is a lesbian is enough to make a guy question his sexuality. In reality, being a lesbian has nothing to do with him but he is not yet mature enough to realize this. Moreover, just as you needed time to understand who you really are, he too needs time to realize who you are has nothing to do with him. As he struggles to cope with this new information about you, he may do or say things that make you feel bad and make him feel strong. Try to understand that being mean is a coping strategy people sometimes use to make themselves feel better.

When you were born, it is likely your mother held dreams for you. She wanted you to grow up happy, healthy and successful. She imagined you going to your prom, getting married and having children. In her dreams, these major life events included you with a male. Likewise, her visions of happy, healthy and successful were based on her assumption that you are heterosexual. When you shared with your mom that you are a lesbian, you were also asking her to give up the dreams and the visions she has had for you all your life and hers. She needs time to grieve the loss of the old dreams before she can imagine new dreams. This does not mean that she doesn’t love you, nor does it mean that she cannot or will not support you, it just means she needs time to grieve in the same way you needed time to understand that those feelings inside you were about being lesbian. Once your mother is able to mourn the loss of her dreams, she can replace them with new dreams that honor who you are. This may take her some time and she may struggle along the way. Understand that grieving takes time and that when we let go of our old dreams, we make room for creating new dreams.

Your lover is naturally saddened by the momentary disruption your coming out has created. It makes it hard for her to be with you and support you through a very difficult and wonderful time in your life. That’s what lovers do; they support us through the good and the hard times. It is likely that the two of you will not have the same freedom to be together that you had before you came out. As people learn the truth, they will look at you and your girlfriend differently and sometimes they will even stare at you - sometimes without realizing it. They do this when they are trying to figure things out and are taking in new and different information. This can increase the stress between you and your girlfriend.

At this time, your support systems, the people you have leaned on when you are struggling, are not available to you because they are struggling themselves. As a result, you may feel alone and a little depressed. At times it will be hard to not personalize the lack of support and not feel like you have some how made a mistake by being honest with yourself and with others. Let me reassure you: you have done nothing wrong. I would suggest that you expand your support system by reaching out to others. Start by locating a professional counselor who works with young gays and lesbians. You can find one in your area or neighboring area on the Internet, asking your school counselor or by asking at your gynecologist’s office. In addition, in the same way you would locate a counselor, you can also find support groups and discussion forums. By expanding your support system, you will gain knowledge and insight about what it means to honor yourself and be supportive to the people around you. You can use this knowledge to assist your mom as well and as a result, the two of you can work on hearing and understanding the other’s point of view. Together you both can use this understanding to work through the challenges facing each of you. In addition, both of you will find people who have been where you both are and their knowledge and experience can be a guide you and your mom. In addition, you’ll gain the benefits of discovering new friends who won’t need time to adjust to who you are and can to offer their love and support to you right now.

~~Lori

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