Cheating Should You Tell

If You're Cheating, Should you Tell?

Reader Question

I have a friend who used to be my boyfriend for two years. We talk about everything together! He has a girlfriend now but he still loves me. Then two weeks ago he and his family and my family spent my birthday together. We chilled out and everything was cool. Until we kissed a few times! Then to make matters worse we had sex. We really love each other but he has a girlfriend that I see a whole lot she just doesn’t know who I am. Should I tell her who I am and what we did? I really value his friendship and I really don’t want to lose him.

~~Anonymous

Expert Reply

Dear Anonymous,

If you really value and love your friend as much as you say you do, than no, you should not tell his girlfriend about the kissing and sex the two of you engaged in. Telling her would appear as though you were intentionally trying to breakup their relationship and would likely hurt your friend. Furthermore, it is not your place. Just because you and your friend got together, doesn’t mean that he wants to be in a committed relationship with you. In fact, he could have had hooked up with you because the opportunity to do so was there.

On the other hand, should he want to end his relationship with his current girlfriend as a result of having been with you, he doesn’t have to tell her of his cheating. Telling her in order to break up, would only serve to hurt her deeply. To end the relationship, all he has to do to is be honest and tell his current girlfriend that he would like to end the relationship. Should he feel he needs to give her more of an explanation, he can say that he is no longer as committed to the relationship as he once was.

I am wondering if you want something more from your ex-boyfriend than to have had sex. Maybe you would like for the two of you to get back together? Could it be that having hooked up with him, stirred up all your old feelings? Perhaps you feel the need to tell his current girlfriend what the two of you did, because you want her to end their relationship. Maybe you think that if she breaks up with him, he can then be with you? Since you say that the two of you love each other, it must be hard to have such strong feelings for your friend and watch him be with another girl. I can assure you that telling his girlfriend may end the relationship, but it’s no guarantee that he will then come back to you. In fact it likely to have the opposite effect of what you are hoping for. Telling his girlfriend and hurting her, may cause him to defend her and be angry with you. My advice to you is to keep the information of what you and he did to yourself.

The person you should be talking with is your friend. You can tell him how you are feeling and see if he is feeling the same way. The two of you need to decide what is going to happen next with your relationship.

~~Lori