Cheating Should You Tell

From LoveToKnow Dating

Are you cheating? Should you tell the other woman? This reader had this very question for our Ask the Dating Coach.

Friends?

If You're Cheating, Should you Tell?

Reader Question

I have a friend who used to be my boyfriend for two years. We talk about everything together! He has a girlfriend now but he still loves me. Then two weeks ago he and his family and my family spent my birthday together. We chilled out and everything was cool. Until we kissed a few times! Then to make matters worse we had sex. We really love each other but he has a girlfriend that I see a whole lot she just doesn’t know who I am. Should I tell her who I am and what we did? I really value his friendship and I really don’t want to lose him.

~~Anonymous

Expert Reply

Dear Anonymous,

If you really value and love your friend as much as you say you do, than no, you should not tell his girlfriend about the kissing and sex the two of you engaged in. Telling her would appear as though you were intentionally trying to breakup their relationship and would likely hurt your friend. Furthermore, it is not your place. Just because you and your friend got together, doesn’t mean that he wants to be in a committed relationship with you. In fact, he could have had hooked up with you because the opportunity to do so was there.

On the other hand, should he want to end his relationship with his current girlfriend as a result of having been with you, he doesn’t have to tell her of his cheating. Telling her in order to break up, would only serve to hurt her deeply. To end the relationship, all he has to do to is be honest and tell his current girlfriend that he would like to end the relationship. Should he feel he needs to give her more of an explanation, he can say that he is no longer as committed to the relationship as he once was.

I am wondering if you want something more from your ex-boyfriend than to have had sex. Maybe you would like for the two of you to get back together? Could it be that having hooked up with him, stirred up all your old feelings? Perhaps you feel the need to tell his current girlfriend what the two of you did, because you want her to end their relationship. Maybe you think that if she breaks up with him, he can then be with you? Since you say that the two of you love each other, it must be hard to have such strong feelings for your friend and watch him be with another girl. I can assure you that telling his girlfriend may end the relationship, but it’s no guarantee that he will then come back to you. In fact it likely to have the opposite effect of what you are hoping for. Telling his girlfriend and hurting her, may cause him to defend her and be angry with you. My advice to you is to keep the information of what you and he did to yourself.

The person you should be talking with is your friend. You can tell him how you are feeling and see if he is feeling the same way. The two of you need to decide what is going to happen next with your relationship.

~~Lori

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Comments

For all of you wonderful readers, here is some "advice"... don't get involved with other relationships, even if you know someone has been unfaithful. The best you can do is tell the unfaithful party he or she should tell the other person, but I would recommend leaving it at that.

If someone is cheating on you, or you are doing the cheating... I recommend reading these articles:

Now, go do the RIGHT thing :)

-- Contributed by: Debbie Vasen

I have liked this guy for a while now, and we have hooked up two different times. The only problem is that onboth occassions he had girlfriends, each time a different one. The last time was a few days ago, and he hasnt been with the girl for very long. I hardly know her, but would it be wrong for me to tell her? Just so she can know what shes getting herself into of course.

-- Contributed by: Random

I have a very hard situation here and Id like some advice. Ive been with a man for three years who I have caught twice on these adult dating/discreet encounter websites. Though I have forgiven him once, I do not think that I am able the second time. He does make me really happy in some ways, and hes my best friend too, but what can I do to make this work? He gets angry and tells me that Im just looking to pick a fight every time I try and talk to him. He has told me that I do not pay attention to his needs enough etc etc, and this makes me angry because by going on websites and talking to girls; he is obliverated to mine as a woman. Please help

-- Contributed by: nicole
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