Cheating Husbands

Cheating Husbands

Reader Question

Hi Lori, I’m 24 years old and I’m separated from my husband. He was my boyfriend for 6 years, and we decided to get married. I found out that he had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and that now she comes out and says that she's pregnant. I love him with all my heart and I know that he has issues with himself. He says that he is confused.

-- Contributed by: Karina

Expert Reply

Dear Karina,

I am not sure what question you are seeking help with? Therefore, I am going to assume you’re asking for help with deciding what to do. I hear from people all the time with questions about their relationship. In most cases, the person is either living in the past, holding on to a relationship based on how a partner used to behave, or the questioner is living in the future hoping she can do something to change her partner. You sound like the former. In addition, although you didn’t ask the question, I am guessing that you want to know if you can get things back to how they used to be when you and your husband were dating and he only cared about you?

Here’s the thing, your husband and your relationship with him can never go back to how things used to be before you found out about the other woman. To wish for this is to be living in the past and holding on to something that never really existed (your husband being faithful). You may be thinking, what if he gets unconfused or his girlfriend is not pregnant or she is pregnant but not with my husband’s child. Can I get him and our marriage back to how it used to be then? The answer is no, because you can’t go back to when you didn’t know he was unfaithful.

To live in the present and face things as they are, you’re going to have to see things as they are. You love your husband AND he has loved you and another woman during the same time. This means that there have been three people in this relationship and if she is pregnant, there soon will be four of you. Should there be a child from the relationship between your husband and the other woman, staying married will mean that you will forever be in a relationship with four people. Is this something you can live with? If you can, then patiently wait for your husband to decide whom he chooses (you or the other woman). On the other hand, you can love your husband and leave him knowing that you don’t deserve to be treated with so little respect!

Should you decide to leave him and move on with your life, it won’t be easy nor will it be without pain. Remember that the grieving process takes time, which means the pain of letting go of something that is not good for you will pass. Moreover, once you get through the grieving, you can then look forward to being in a relationship with someone who is loyal, honest and would never dream of cheating on you.

~~Lori