Cheating Husbands

Have you been dealing with cheating husbands? Let our dating coach's response to this reader offer us some perspective.

Hi Lori, I’m 24 years old and I’m separated from my husband. He was my boyfriend for 6 years, and we decided to get married. I found out that he had a girlfriend for almost 2 years and that now she comes out and says that she's pregnant. I love him with all my heart and I know that he has issues with himself. He says that he is confused.

-- Contributed by: Karina

Dear Karina,

I am not sure what question you are seeking help with? Therefore, I am going to assume you’re asking for help with deciding what to do. I hear from people all the time with questions about their relationship. In most cases, the person is either living in the past, holding on to a relationship based on how a partner used to behave, or the questioner is living in the future hoping she can do something to change her partner. You sound like the former. In addition, although you didn’t ask the question, I am guessing that you want to know if you can get things back to how they used to be when you and your husband were dating and he only cared about you?

Here’s the thing, your husband and your relationship with him can never go back to how things used to be before you found out about the other woman. To wish for this is to be living in the past and holding on to something that never really existed (your husband being faithful). You may be thinking, what if he gets unconfused or his girlfriend is not pregnant or she is pregnant but not with my husband’s child. Can I get him and our marriage back to how it used to be then? The answer is no, because you can’t go back to when you didn’t know he was unfaithful.

To live in the present and face things as they are, you’re going to have to see things as they are. You love your husband AND he has loved you and another woman during the same time. This means that there have been three people in this relationship and if she is pregnant, there soon will be four of you. Should there be a child from the relationship between your husband and the other woman, staying married will mean that you will forever be in a relationship with four people. Is this something you can live with? If you can, then patiently wait for your husband to decide whom he chooses (you or the other woman). On the other hand, you can love your husband and leave him knowing that you don’t deserve to be treated with so little respect!

Should you decide to leave him and move on with your life, it won’t be easy nor will it be without pain. Remember that the grieving process takes time, which means the pain of letting go of something that is not good for you will pass. Moreover, once you get through the grieving, you can then look forward to being in a relationship with someone who is loyal, honest and would never dream of cheating on you.

~~Lori

My husband and I have had a stressful year. Soon after we started dating I found out I was pregnant and we got married. A couple months later I found out he was hitting on other girls, even met up with one, and while he didn’t do anything with her, told of her of things he'd like to do. While I too felt overwhelmed with our whole situation, I was crushed because I never would have done that. He did eventually apologize. After we were separated for a week, he stated how much he loved me and did care about me. Things have gotten better since then, however another issue came up. He was just deployed for one year to Iraq. About 2-3 weeks before he left, I noticed he was still keeping in contact with his ex. She dumped him 2 years ago. 1 year ago, he found out it was because she was scared as she found out she was pregnant and lost the baby. I still fear he has feelings for her, though he would never admit that to me. I saw a text from her saying how things never work out the way you wish they would, and how she misses him. He is gone now and I’m left wondering many things. I felt he could have been more affectionate towards me, but because he wasn’t does that really mean he doesn’t care? How do I know something isn’t going on between them? How can I continue to save our relationship while he is away? And am I just blowing this out of proportion? My biggest fear is losing him and all what we accomplished before him leaving. Things were getting much better before he left, better then they were in a while. I know that I started to feel like I was falling in love with him all over again. Help me sort this out!

-- Contributed by: megan

Dear Meagan,

It sounds like you and your husband made the decision to marry because of impending parenthood. This suggests a willingness of two people to commit to each other and that is a good place to be when thinking about how to make a marriage work long distance. Prior to your husband leaving on his deployment, he behaved in ways that demonstrated a lack of trustworthiness, honesty, and emotional faithfulness on his part. You have every right to wonder if he will continue this behavior while away. Whether he does or does not, the truth is there is no way for you to know or control his activities. You do have a choice to make. You can choose to worry about what your husband might or might not do while he is away from you or you can choose to focus on what you can control and that is giving your all to make your marriage work long distance.

If you choose to make your marriage work long distance, there are two things to focus on. One area is developing a support system for you. I recommend that you look to join a military wives organization. Meeting other women will offer you support and commodore with those who have similar living arrangements and concerns to your own. In addition, the collective wisdom and experience of these women will guide you to manage the challenges you are currently facing in your own relationship. You develop a support system so you don’t feel so alone.

The second area to focus on is how to keep romance alive and interesting long distance. The answer is communication, communication, communication. Send your husband handwritten letters, homemade cards and pictures of you, his family and friends. Talk with him in your communications as if you would if he was at home and you were telling him about your day, your experiences, your triumphs and tribulations. Woo him with love letters that are romantic sometimes and sensuous at other times.

While there is no guarantee when it comes to love, there are signs as to how things in the couple relationship are progressing. Look at how your husband responds to your communication to inform you of his level of affection and emotional commitment to you. Should he return your communication with a similar level, it is likely that the two of you are on the same page. On the other hand, should his level of affection seem to dwindle or be absent, it might indicate that his behavior has not changed.

Notice that I said level of affection and not level of correspondence as the indicator. Given that your husband has been deployed, he may not be able to respond to your communication as often as he may or you would like. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care, only that he is not available. What you are looking for is a romantic and flirtatious match. Should you see this, consider it a sign that things between the two of you are great.

~~Lori

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