Cheating

Is your girl or boyfriend cheating on someone else to be with you? Well, let our dating coach give you something to consider.

Cheating Girlfriend

Reader Question

There is this girl I am currently talking to. We have dated before, but now she lives with another guy in a different state. She recently came to visit me and we had sex. She says she wants to be with me but she always goes back to him. Do you think there any chance I could get her back?

~~Danny H

Expert Reply

Dear Danny,

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You and the girl you are currently talking to have a history. The two of you get together; everything is comfortable and predictable, like a pair of old jeans. And then off she goes, until the next time. What makes this different is the hope you hold that maybe this time things will work out differently. This time she will come back into your life, she will follow through and not stay with her current boyfriend. Holding on to that hope only keeps you attached to her. And keeps the two of you locked into this cycle of get togethers. She leaves. Get back together. She leaves again.

She too gets something out of this brief connection. She gets a guy (you) always willing to make himself available to her on her terms. She gets to feel desired, which feeds her ego in a way that her current live-in can’t or isn’t. And worst of all, she keeps you invested in her. This is sad because any woman, who would be available to you, doesn’t stand a chance with your heart as long as it is busy holding a place for your current and unavailable girl.

Here is one more thing for you to consider. There’s a saying “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.” Let’s say that your girl does leave her boyfriend. What guarantee do you have that when she becomes bored in your relationship she won’t seek a thrill and excitement with some other guy or even her old boyfriend (he being the one she lives with now)? After all, she is currently doing that with you.

My advice to you: cut your ties, grieve the loss of this girl and then focus your attention on attracting a woman who wants, and most importantly, is available to be in a relationship with you. I not saying this will be easy to do. What I am saying is that when find yourself in a relationship with a woman who appreciates and loves you for who you are, you won’t regret this decision.

~~Lori

Cheating with Your Ex

Reader Question

I am 23 years old and I have been separated from my ex-boyfriend for eight months. He is 21 years old and began to see an older woman who is 31 with a 4 year old son right after the break up the day before Valentines Day. She became pregnant due to her punching a hole in the condom and her trying to control him. I am in love with him and always will be, and he has already begun to regret his decision to leave me for her. He is more interested in getting back together, but I need advice as how I should go about interacting with him because we are both very physically attracted to each other and it is hard for us not to get intimate. Also, what I can do to make him "truly" want to be with me?

~~Minowa

Expert Reply

Dear Minowa,

I can hear the anger and distrust you have for the woman your ex-boyfriend has gotten involved with. You have accused her of trapping your ex into staying with her by getting pregnant. What I don’t hear is the anger and distrust you should have for your ex. Why is that? Something happened which resulted in the two of you separating. During that time or maybe as a result of the separation he got involved with another woman. Where was his loyalty to you?

While you defend him and blame the other woman for the pregnancy, that doesn’t excuse him from his responsibility as a father regardless of how the pregnancy came about. At 21 years of age, he will have to find a way to financially support his baby and be a father. He will have a connection to the mother of the baby until that child reaches adulthood. Therefore if he leaves the other woman for you, he is now a package deal. This package includes your ex, his child and by default, the mother of his child, the now ex-girlfriend. The guy you are in love with is not the same guy you were dating before the separation.

Given that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, I would suggest that you ask yourself some tough questions. Like, do you want to be in an intimate relationship with a man who would cheat on his girlfriend when she is pregnant? If he is willing to cheat on his current girlfriend, you can expect that he would do the same to you. While it feels good to have someone physically attracted to you, it feels even better to have someone be honest, faithful and responsible. What evidence do you have that your ex will treat you differently now, then he did when you were dating? And finally, are you willing to put the needs of a new baby before your own desires and needs?

While it may be difficult to let go of the past or an old boyfriend, by doing so you make room for a relationship with someone who “truly” wants to be with you, without you having to “make” him. You deserve that kind of guy!

~~Lori.

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