Cell Phone Secrets

From LoveToKnow Dating

Does your partner have cell phone secrets? Is this a red flag? Our Ask the Dating Coach reader had that very question for us.

Boyfriend's Cell Phone Secrets

Reader Question

Lori, I need some advice. I have been dating this guy for about 7 months, we spend a lot of time together and he tells me how much he loves me. The problem is that he is very protective of his cell phone. I tried calling him several times and he didn't answer so I called his office and he answered that phone. I asked him why he didn’t answer his cell and he went nuts, cussing and telling me that his phone was his personal business and he didn't have to always answer it. He is a known cheater. Should I be concerned? We are supposed to have a talk tonight and I think my best bet is to end the relationship. I feel he is very dishonest. Do you have any advice? I really have strong feelings for him so it is hard to let go.

~~Stephanie

Expert Reply

Dear Stephanie,

There are two red flags you need to be concerned with. The first concern is with your guy’s over reactive behavior to your asking questions about his cell phone. It is inexcusable for him to yell, cuss and tell you that you don’t have the right after seven months to ask questions about his personal business. After seven months of dating, you have earned the right to ask personal questions. However, his response was totally disconcerting and inappropriate. I have concerns about his ability to manage his anger, and so should you.

The second red flag is in regard to over protectiveness of his cell phone. A cell phone is a very personal and private belonging. You could say it is like a diary, tracking calls, photos and phone numbers. After dating for seven months, I would expect that your relationship has reached the place where each of you is sharing personal information with the other. I would also expect that if a guy is telling you he loves you, he is not dating or receiving personal calls from other women without your knowledge. It appears this may not be the case with you and your boyfriend. Since he treats his cell phone use like there are secrets he wants to protect you from knowing about, I would say that your relationship is not as open or monogamous as you might expect.

Before ending a relationship with someone you care about based on your feelings, I think you owe it to yourself to share your concerns with your boyfriend. A red flag is when your boyfriend’s behaviors and words don’t match. Perhaps the two of you each sees the relationship at a different stage of development. You may be at the stage of dating exclusively while he sees your relationship as still being open to dating or flirting with others. Another subject that needs discussion is privacy verses secrecy. Each of you seems to have a different opinion of the two. As long as this is not discussed, it will continue to be an issue. Some of your concerns are related to his ‘cheating past.’ You’ll want to share your concerns and give him an opportunity to reassure you of his motives and his behaviors. One very important conversation that needs further discussion is with his inappropriate behavior when you question him. It is not OK to be yelled at or cussed at for asking questions.

Until you give your boyfriend an opportunity to hear your concerns and for him to respond, you can’t be sure whether it’s time to end the relationship or move it to the next level of intimacy. His responses will either reassure you or cause you more doubt. Based on this knowledge, you can decide what your next step should be.

~~Lori

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