Building trust in a relationship

The Basics of Building Trust in a Relationship

Reader Question

I have been in a relationship with a woman for over 10 months. She has two or three male friends to whom she confides and talks to about personal problems. I just found out that she has been having text and phone conversations with her ex-boyfriend. She denied it at first but finally come clean. I told her it was just like cheating -- maybe not physically but emotionally. Also, what do you think about having friends of the opposite sex to whom you confide personal issues?

~~Al

Expert Reply

Dear Al,

Building trust in a relationship is an essential ingredient. When that trust is violated or has not developed, the relationship is stressed. I believe the latter is the situation with you and your girlfriend. This would explain why you doubt her friendships, and feel the need to confront her on her communication with her ex.

I think friendships of same sex or opposite sex are fine. That being said, when a monogamous relationship develops, the expectation is that trust develops over time and two people feel safe in sharing confidential and personal information with their partner. After being in a relationship with a woman for 10 months, I would expect that the two of you are confiding in each other; but this is not the case. Either you or your girlfriend has not developed trust or something has jeopardized the trust in the relationship. Currently, it appears that you are in a relationship with two or three other males, including the ex boyfriend. It would be hard to have a trusting relationship with a woman when there are so many other partners she confides in.

The fact that you had to ‘confront’ your girlfriend text messaging with her ex before she would come clean says to me that either she is not committed to the relationship or she does not trust you. A better question is, why does she not trust you and why do you not trust her? Perhaps it is because you feel that she has cheated on you by communicating with her ex? I would agree with you that your girlfriend has been cheating on you if her intention was to flirt or rekindle the old relationship.

In my opinion, as long as your relationship lacks trust, it will be hard for you to be in a relationship with your girlfriend and all of her male friends. The question you should be asking yourself is whether or not you want to work on the real issue: building a trusting relationship with your girlfriend.

~~Lori