Building trust in a relationship

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I have been in a relationship with a woman for over 10 months. She has two or three male friends to whom she confides and talks to about personal problems. I just found out that she has been having text and phone conversations with her ex-boyfriend. She denied it at first but finally come clean. I told her it was just like cheating -- maybe not physically but emotionally. Also, what do you think about having friends of the opposite sex to whom you confide personal issues?

~~Al

Dear Al,

Building trust in a relationship is an essential ingredient. When that trust is violated or has not developed, the relationship is stressed. I believe the latter is the situation with you and your girlfriend. This would explain why you doubt her friendships, and feel the need to confront her on her communication with her ex.

I think friendships of same sex or opposite sex are fine. That being said, when a monogamous relationship develops, the expectation is that trust develops over time and two people feel safe in sharing confidential and personal information with their partner. After being in a relationship with a woman for 10 months, I would expect that the two of you are confiding in each other; but this is not the case. Either you or your girlfriend has not developed trust or something has jeopardized the trust in the relationship. Currently, it appears that you are in a relationship with two or three other males, including the ex boyfriend. It would be hard to have a trusting relationship with a woman when there are so many other partners she confides in.

The fact that you had to ‘confront’ your girlfriend text messaging with her ex before she would come clean says to me that either she is not committed to the relationship or she does not trust you. A better question is, why does she not trust you and why do you not trust her? Perhaps it is because you feel that she has cheated on you by communicating with her ex? I would agree with you that your girlfriend has been cheating on you if her intention was to flirt or rekindle the old relationship.

In my opinion, as long as your relationship lacks trust, it will be hard for you to be in a relationship with your girlfriend and all of her male friends. The question you should be asking yourself is whether or not you want to work on the real issue: building a trusting relationship with your girlfriend.

~~Lori

Prologue: I have known this girl since college where we briefly dated, she accused me of sleeping with my roommates (lived with 3 girls) and then later at her party she was on a guys lap making out in front of me. We fell out of touch for 6 years until about 2 years ago. I was out of town on business and noticed her walking by on the street. We briefly hooked up again, and some comments were said that ended it.

Even though we didn’t keep in touch over those numerous years, we were always great friends, picking up like no time had passed. She contacted me a few months ago and we have been talking. The long distance was going great. Then, she came to visit recently, and all was wonderful, until a drunken fight occurred and she left early. We should have talked about our issues before she came to visit and instead the same pattern occurred, except this time my demons came out.

She and I both have major issues with our past relationships that emerge. I am finally in for therapy (more for myself because it was time). I know that isn’t justification for our actions. However, she was raped in high school and control is a major issue with her. Even though I never controlled her, she felt the need to remind me no one could control her. In a text message, she forgave me but needs time. I think she has given up on us since said she was tired of giving up her dreams for a guy and is looking to move out East in a couple of years.

We finally talked a bit a couple nights ago, just about what is going on with each other, a lot of laughter. Then she mentioned being too busy with school, multiple jobs, being lonely with no friends and isn’t dating anyone. It felt more like a guilt trip and she didn’t want to talk about the situation.

If I didn’t believe that we would be good for each other if we could get over the hump, I would let it go right quick. Any advice on how to proceed? We continually go too fast and then screw it up. It will take a lot to get her to trust me again. We are likely going to meet in a couple months when I am around her neck of the woods. I feel like if we could get past our fears, which I don’t know is possible, she will even want to give it another go.

-- Contributed by: nate

Dear Nate,

My first piece of advice is to stop beating yourself up for the lack of success you’ve had with this girl. While some of blame may be on your lack of sensitivity and immaturity, some of the blame is hers to bear. I don’t want to speculate, but I can’t help but wonder if she has her own fears of getting too close with a guy and being disappointed. This might have something to do with the rape, but not necessarily. Likewise, I wonder what gets in your way of expressing your feelings without the aid of alcohol or long distance.

When you say, "If I didn’t believe that we would be good for each other if we could get over the hump, I would let it go right quick," why doesn’t she? Is it because she doesn’t know how much you believe in her and you as a team? Fear is a mean beast. It can stop some people from pursuing what they want. Don’t let this be the case here. Slow down the process a bit. You don’t need to have everything all at once. Build on the friendship first. Trust comes from being able to count on the other person. It also comes from sharing personal information. You might let her know how you feel about her and your desire to have a relationship. Let her know that you care enough about her to build the relationship on her terms.

Then be patient. This isn’t a sprint it’s a marathon. Pace yourself to go the distance.

~~Lori.

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