Body Language Decoded

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Body Language Decoded by a Dating Coach

Reader Question

I have had a sustained attraction for a man. We've shared lingering eye contact, etc. I know he's attracted to me by his body language. He does one thing though that leaves me confused. What does it mean when he squints his eyes at me and smiles? I've heard it can be a sign he's trying to “make sure I'm real", whatever that means. I've also heard he's trying to “pull away" and make light of our attraction. What do you think this behavior means? Thanks for your comments.

-- Contributed by: Kirsten

Expert Reply

Dear Kirsten,

For years, the interpretation of arms folded across the chest was thought to mean the person was angry, that was until researchers looked at the position from a gender difference perspective. What they found was that many women crossed their arms across their chest as a means to comfort and not a display of anger. Today, many people still believe that all individuals who cross their arms across their chest are angry.

The man you are interested in may squint his eyes and smile for all the reasons you have listed in your question or he may do this behavior because he thinks it is cute and endearing. The point is, until you know what the behavior means to him, you won’t know what the true meaning behind the act is. Rather than focus on what the meaning of the look, why don’t you focus your attention on getting to know him. Actually talking with him will give you more information about who he is, then just observing him. Once you have developed a relationship and some trust, ask him what this act means.

Understanding body language is helpful as long as your interpretation is accurate. Regardless of how much you know about body language, I caution you not to be overconfident in your knowledge as it applies to a specific person — especially someone you don't know well. Each person has unique body language. Although sitting up straight may indicate that a person is attentive and eager to participate, some people sit with a stiffened back because it is comfortable and takes pressure off the lower back. Be aware of a person’s body language. The real meaning comes when you combine your knowledge and observations with the spoken word of the person you are observing to determine the correct meaning.

~~Lori

Interpreting Body Language

Reader Question

I know my question isn't nearly as dramatic as some of the others but there is a boy at work that I’m pretty sure likes me. The other day we were standing in a group of friends when he put his arm around me and got a little closer. I kept talking to him like it was no big deal, then he took his arm off of me and looked kind of upset. I asked him what was wrong and he said that I didn't notice or "respect it" when he put his arm around me. I don't understand what he meant. I still want him to like me and I feel like I let him down or something? What do you think it means?

-- Contributed by: Bre

Expert Reply

Dear Bre,

People communicate both verbally and non-verbally. The more we get to know someone the better we understand the other person’s verbal and non-verbal communication. Some friends and couples are so good at non-verbal communication that all one partner has to do is give a look and her friend or partner knows exactly what she is thinking. It’s like mindreading. However, most friends and couples aren’t so lucky. They have to say exactly what they mean or risk miscommunication. Miscommunication happens when two people send out messages and either expect or assume the other person knows what the message means.

It sounds to me that you and this guy are sending out messages when you were with your group of friends, but neither of you knows or understands what the message means. The guy you work with sent you a message when he put his arm around you. The problem is that he expected you to understand his non-verbal communication. He then assumed he knew what your non-verbal communication (his arm around you) meant. The truth is that neither of you knew what the other person was saying, not saying, meant or didn’t mean.

You know what they say about assuming. This potential great relationship has gotten of to a bad start. The way I see it, you have two choices. One option is for you to do nothing and hope that he finds your lack of interest a challenge and peruses you. Some guys like a woman who is not easy to win over. The other option is to talk with him directly and tell him, I didn’t know what you meant when you said I didn’t respect i’ when you put your arm around me. All I know is that I liked it. Then wait for his response. Some guys like it when a woman is bold. You know this guy better than I do, so pick the approach you think will work best with this guy.

~~ Lori

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