Blind Love

Blind Love Confusion

Reader Submitted Question

Hello dear Lori,

I have recently been dating a friend of about 6 months for the past few weeks. He is amazing but before me he had no respect for women and was consistently non-committed. I think our relationship is different, but I am still skeptical. Do you think with the right woman a man changes his dating habits, or am I being naive? I have also heard he may have an STD which I have not yet asked him about. We have not had sex and I have been giving him opportunities in conversation to tell me on his own. The third problem is he is leaving for a year in less than two months...but I am falling in love with him and would be devastated to find I was fooled this whole time. Am I blind? Thank you for your thoughts this is very frustrating.

~~Lis

Expert Reply

Dear Lis,

All of us will change as we mature and have life experiences. Some people however, will seek to actively work on themselves. For example, a guy may one day realize that in order to have a loving relationship with a woman, he will need to be more respectful towards women, not cheat with other women and he will need to work on expressing his honest feelings. He starts to work on changing his behaviors and then he meets a woman and it appears he has changed his behavior due to her, when in fact he attracted her because he was motivated to work on himself.

Another example, say a man realizes that if he doesn’t work on changing his behavior he will lose the woman he is in love with. He is motivated to work on himself to keep her love in his life. Again, it may appear that she is the result of his changed behavior. None of us has the power to change another person. A person changes because he wants to change.

You say that this guy is amazing and that before you; he had no respect for women and was consistently non-committed. Guys who are charming have no problem attracting women. This doesn’t mean they know how to be a good boyfriend. This is also why women tend to find themselves in a relationship with a guy who in the beginning seems to be wonderful and as she gets to know him discovers the connection is only surface level. This level of connection is often referred to as infatuation.

Love vs. Infatuation

People often confuse love with infatuation because the feelings during the infatuation phase in a new relationship are so strong and intense. Infatuation is the beginning of love, but it is not the type of love that is deep and committed. Committed love takes time and trust to develop. It also takes time to see if the other person reciprocates our feelings, this reciprocity is demonstrated through the other person’s words and behaviors matching.

People who try to hurry love are often left with feelings of regret over doing and saying things before being sure that the other person shared their feelings. To see if your relationship has the possibility of love, you can start by seeing how much you trust your guy by being open and honest with your concerns. One concern you have has to do with his sexual history. Rather than “giving him opportunities” to discuss STD’s be honest by having a straightforward conversation about your concerns that he may have an STD.

Another honest conversation you would need to have with him has to do with your values around being sexually intimate. If his feelings for you are the same as your feelings for him, he will welcome this opportunity to talk. Having sex with someone is a different experience when you are in love with someone. Don’t feel rushed to be intimate because he is leaving soon. Distance in a relationship can break the relationship if there is not a strong commitment to keep it going. This discussion will inform you what his thinking about your future together.

I think being a little naïve in a new relationship can be a good thing if you are also being smart in a relationship. When you trust your heart and your head, you can be confident you are moving in the right direction.

~~Lori