Ask Debbie

Are you looking for some advice in the game of love? Well, you have come to the right place. Whether you are struggling with a dilemma in a current relationship or simply need a boost to get you going on a starting up a new spark, we are here for you.

Dating and relationships take some time and effort, but the results are well worth it. There are truly so many great people to meet, interesting places to explore and exciting ways to have fun if you simply know some of the basic rules of the game. Let dating quickly open up the door to allow you to discover new passions you never knew you even had. For some, it may be getting out after a difficult relationship has ended; or, for others, they may be simply tired of spending Saturday night alone in front of the television. Whatever your situation may be, seeking more information is a great first step on your path to relationship bliss.

Debbie Vasen is a freelance writer, residing in the diverse Pacific Northwest. She writes articles and essays on a variety of lifestyle related subjects. With a degree in Sociology and a passion for exploring interpersonal relationships, she possesses a lengthy background in peer counseling, group management, customer marketing. So, give it a chance, ask a question... what will she say... remember it is only words, it is what you do with them that is up to you.

(Insert Your Question Here) I have been talking on the phone with a wonderful senior man (I am a senior widowed woman) through a matched dating service who lives 300 miles away. He is a well-respected professor at a major university, and I have checked his credibility and background out privately. He has invited me to his home for a few days, staying with him in a separate bedroom to assist him in his after care for chemotherapy. It may not be the ideal first meeting, but he has been phoning for 6 weeks every day and we talk for hours at a time. Am I crazy for meeting him under these conditions. He has two daughters, but both are out of town and not available for staying with him. We have developed a strong friendship together and I feel it is natural for me to go and try to help out for 3 days until the side effects subside somewhat. I am 59 years old and he is 60, so it's not like we are children. Please advise.

Thank you for your question. I have referred it to our current Dating Coach expert. You will find the answer at Ask the Dating Coach.

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There was a time when dating someone in the workplace was frowned upon. Some businesses had policies against dating in the office. How have things changed or have they changed?

Expert Reply

What a great question! Yes, you are absolutely correct - in the past, dating in the workplace was not recommended and even unacceptable in some job environments. While many things have certainly changed in today’s dating scene, this is one that has not. If anything, the rules regarding office romances have only become stricter. Sexual harassment is a hot topic and has received much legal support. Employees need to be very careful how they handle sexual and romantic subjects in the workplace or they might not only loose their job, but even end up in court. The law forbids any type of sexual behavior at work – so a married couple has to tone it down or risk being sued. Therefore, even aggressive flirting with a fellow co-worker has the potential for grand risks.

Due to this, many companies have strict guidelines, not only about workplace dating, but also politics, sexual harassment and suitable conversations. Many businesses have been hurt financially by inappropriate actions of their personnel – so most lawyers recommend a strong stance for their protection. Even the use of a company computer for personal online dating use could cost you your job. Remember to also never view inappropriate online material or send any overly personal emails from your office.

Even if you work for a casual company, it is still best to avoid an office romance for many personal reasons. Although it seems like the best place to meet someone – you are there most of the time and everyone has something in common – the office is really the worst place to search for a new romance. Consider if the relationship falls apart – you are still stuck working together. Or, even if you end up married – you are still stuck working together! Co-workers are bound to make your life miserable with gossip and trust me – it is pretty impossible to hide healthy attraction.

If you do end up intensely fascinated with a co-worker and he or she returns the sentiment, you will have to weigh the importance of the job verses the relationship. In some cases, you might decide to give the partnership a try – just remember to be discreet, go slow, and consider a new job if things really get going.

~~Debbie

Could you please kindly write a review for our site www.interracialmatch.com please? ~~Scott

Expert Reply

Dear Scott-

Thanks for the invitation to preview your site, www.interracialmatch.com. I signed on as a guest and found the experience to be similar to most personal ad style online dating websites available today. With two different membership levels, the free guest trial membership and the Gold paid membership, new customers can check out your site before purchasing - which is an important feature. The free membership does allow you to post your profile and picture, do a basic search, and reply to messages. If you want to do a more advanced search, initiate contacts through email or chat, or enlist the special features, you will have to pay a $19.99 month fee.

The site is specifically geared toward couples who hope to connect with an interracial partner, but other than the name, it does not address this specifically.

Like most other dating sites it provides:

• Private email account through the site
• The ability to “wink” at others
• Online Chat
• Forums
• Blogs

The profile page is relatively simple in design with a short list of general questions about who you are and what you are looking for in a match. With the Gold membership you can search based on the number of matched responses, selected keywords, location or your own selected criteria.

My general sense is the site appears to be an authentic dating site attracting those looking to meet a variety of people with varying ethnicities. With a simple profile and a range of ways to connect with others, it is a great starting point for someone new to the online dating scene.

Keep up the great work!~~Debbie

My divorced mom is in her 60s. She has had made notoriously bad choices with men (liars, scammers...) in the past. Now that she's gotten interested in online dating, what advice would you give her for making sure the men she dates are honest and above board? Thanks! – Worried

Expert Reply

Dear Worried,

I want to start your reply by congratulating you on your interest and concern - along with a reminder that your mom will have to discover her own way of finding a new relationship. Providing her with information and support is the best thing you can do at this time.

That said - there are some tricks to online dating that will help your mom better select a potential partner. Online dating is just like the physical world with heartthrobs and sweeties hidden amongst the slackers and crazies. The main difference is in the Internet’s ability to open you up to millions of people instantly. Far more than anyone could ever hope to meet in person.

The first step in finding a good date online is to narrow down the search. Let the online website’s computer system help to reduce the list to the specific areas most important to your mom – for example is it his age, religion or location? It would also be helpful to evaluate what led her to make bad choices with men in the past. Is she attracted to the wrong type of person or does she lack the self-esteem for a healthy relationship? Knowing her past mistakes will help her to avoid them in the future online.

When searching online it is important to answer all the dating site’s matching questions accurately and fully. Make sure the profile your mom posts is a true reflection of who she is and what she is looking for. She will quickly attract the wrong type of man if she has trouble being honest about whom she is.

Unfortunately, online losers are abundant. They lie on their questionnaires and profiles. They post fake or very old pictures. Even worse, they are only looking for online dates to scam them down the road. The Internet’s design can ultimately make identifying these impostors more difficult than in person. Therefore, setting the caution meter on high is preferable when online dating. Encourage your mom to keep the following things in mind when using dating websites:

• Scrutinize the profiles that potential matches provide.
• Just like any type of advertising, if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.
• Avoid falling for someone until you have at least met them in person.
• Keep the emotional walls up while interacting via email and online chats.
• Analyze what they say and what they don’t say.
• Be particularly critical of the information people provide. Ask yourself, do genuine people talk about themselves that way?

Even though it can be harder to find the diamond in the rough world of the Internet, it is possible. While being extra cautious is good, there is no reason to be paranoid. For your mom’s safety, once she has found a good online match – offer to go with her on the date. Make it a double date or just show up at the same coffee shop and watch from a nearby table. Give her the support that she can find love again even in her 60s, but help her to appreciate that all good relationships take some time to establish themselves.

~~Debbie

My son is bi-polar which means he has trouble making friends. Even with all of the information we give him, such as getting involved in groups at church, he doesn't do it. He is afraid of interacting with people. Do you have any suggestions we could pass on to him?

Expert Reply

I am sorry to hear about your family’s difficult situation. Bipolar disease, also known as manic-depressive, can be very difficult for the friends and family as well as the individual with the condition. One concept to keep in mind for both you and your son is that as a mental condition it affects millions of people each year, so there is no reason for embarrassment. While no cure exists for bipolar illness, with proper medical treatment most people can lead normal lives. Work closely with your son’s healthcare provider to ensure his condition is being actively treated.

With bipolar individuals, emotions waver between extreme highs and lows. Unique triggers tend to lead to this effect; so many psychiatrists work with their bipolar patients to help them determine what their triggers are and how to avoid them. Given this fact, avoiding extra stressors in your son’s life will help him to maintain a sense of normalcy. As group interactions appear to be stressful, realize this may be a slow process for him.

Being diagnosed with a condition such as bipolar is like having diabetes or heart disease. For many young people, making them feel like an outcast with a disability. This alone will affect most people’s self-esteem, thus formulating a fear of interacting with others. The first step in persuading your son to socialize will be in helping him to tear down his insecurity. Encourage him to focus on his strengths. Rediscover activities that gave him joy in the past or any current interests that he exceeds at. Even if the activity is a solo adventure, like jogging, if it helps him to rebuild his confidence, then it will eventually support him to feel more confident in developing friendships again.

A great option to start with is a bipolar support group. This is an instant community where your son will not feel like an outsider. Ask your doctor if there is such a group in your area or look for further information at the following websites:

• Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation
• Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

Even if there is not a local group, joining on online support group is another potential alternative. The Internet provides the ability to be anonymous, which can be a blessing for those that are particularly shy at meeting new people. Plus, it allows support from others around the globe that share the same condition with your son.

You also may want to reflect on your own level of support. Providing a nurturing environment is important, but ultimately he will have to be able to initiate social connections on his own. In order to build a community, he will need to have the self-motivation to sustain it. Pushing him too hard, may actually only backfire. If he balks at church groups, he might need to find a fresh start with a new group of peers who is separate from his past problems. Finding an organization with activities that he enjoys would be a good place to start. Just remember that while you can give him the information or the support of joining a new group with him, you can not make the friends for him. Facilitate in creating a potentially supportive environment, but then, stand back and hope for the best.

If you are still struggling for help with your son’s bipolar condition, visit a caregiver support group. Options can be discovered at:

• American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy

Look for encouragement from the small steps your son takes toward building friendships and try to relax with the assurance that we are all individuals with unique needs.

~~Debbie

I am 15 years old and have a crush on an 18 year-old girl at my school. Whenever I try to talk to her she ignores me or walks away. What can I do to get her attentions?~~???

Expert Reply

Dear ???:

While I realize your situation is frustrating, it is actually very common in the world of teen dating. Believe it or not, there is a big difference between 15 and 18 years of age. Although it may sound a bit too scientific, your brain will actually develop and change a lot in the next three years. This simple fact of chemistry can make a relationship between a 15 and 18 year old difficult to achieve. Even given this, your feelings are still there, so what can you do?

First remember that while a crush can feel significant and intense, it is not actually true love. A love relationship takes time and interaction to actually surface. Of course, that does not mean your feelings are not real, but hopefully it will help you appreciate that if nothing comes to surface with this girl, your crush will subside over time.

Use this experience as a lesson in how to attract friends or future dating relationships. Think about what it is about this girl that you find so attractive. Is it her maturity and confidence? There is a lot to be said about developing your own inner self to help you to attract potential attentions. Instead of spending the time pursuing her, take the time to learn about your own passions and interests. In the long run, it may or may not attract this specific girl, but expressing a true self confidence will help you to attract good friends and strong healthy relationships. A few great ways to build up your confidence is to find ways to enjoy yourself with others, laugh, and have fun.

For example:

• Join a club, sports team or activity group at school.
• Involve yourself in school politics.
• Engage yourself in class, speak up appropriately and take your studies seriously.
• Connect with a good group of friends to gather with at break and lunch. Enjoy this interaction, laugh and smile.

If this current girl of your dreams does not instantly notice the new change in your confidence, don’t let it get you down. Ultimately, this may mean she is simply not right for you. Please do let counselors at your school or a parent know if your feelings start to become scary or overwhelming, as they will be better abled to coach you through a troubled time.

Good Luck~~ Debbie

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