Ask the Dating Coach

About Lori

Lori has earned a Master’s Degree in Social Work and extensive training in coaching. Through this counseling and coaching experience, she has worked with a wide array of clients in an assortment of situations. As a dating coach she has experience with individuals entering the dating world after a divorce, parents and teenagers struggling with social skills, and techniques to improve your skills in attraction, communication and self esteem.

For more detailed information on Lori Gorshow, visit her interview at Lori Gorshow, MSW – Dating Coach.

Ask Your Dating Question Below

To ask Lori your own questions, simply use the comment field below. Due to the large volume of questions we receive, only selected ones will be answered by our experts. Please check back here to see if your question has been answered.

Current Ask the Dating Coach Questions

Hi can you help me out. I work with a very attractive female at work and over time we have become good friends. We work in the bank so we have a lot of clients. My friend gets upset as many men try to ask her out or even give her their phone numbers. She confides in me asking why they do this, as in the Indian culture it’s disrespectful for an Indian male to give an Indian female a phone number or wanting to go out with her. She is 40, married, and has 2 kids. Now I do admit when she tells me I sometimes tell her that they see a beautiful lady and so it’s natural for the guys to be attracted. She doesn’t get angry or upset with me when I make a comment to her but when other clients say or ask her out she gets upset. She has asked me why this happens to her, as she doesn’t like it. I’ve told her to tell me and I will have a chat with the clients who should know better. When I do see her she doesn’t wear much makeup and dresses very simple. She prefers not to have her wedding ring on as she doesn’t want to lose or ruin her wedding rings. I’ve asked her to have it on and maybe that will help but she laughed at my idea. I don’t know what to tell her as how she can get the clients to show more respect towards her. I don’t know what to tell her as I like to help give her some good advise as to what she can do. She is asking me as she wants to know if she is sending or saying something to the clients. To me she is very traditional in her Indian ways as I am. Can you advise me on what I can tell her or if you have some article on how to have clients view the female in a respectful manner.

--- Contributed by: single

Dear Lori,

What can I do to help my boyfriend and me become closer? I want to know if there are more questions we should be asking each other.

-- Contributed by: Ryokogrg6

Hi Lori, I really like a guy that's in my class at school. The only problem is we've been friends since kindergarten and I'm worried that if I ask him out and he doesn't like me, that we won't be friends any more. I really value our friendship as well as hoping he'll ask me out. What should I do???

-- Contributed by: Maddy

Dear Lori, I have been looking everywhere for books to help or maybe group classes that I could attend in person or online. I know the root of my problem is from my parents, but I don't know how to overcome it. Both my parents were alcoholics. My mom hasn't drank in 10 years and my dad died in 2003 from alcoholism. I’m am currently 33 and a GREAT school teacher! I lived with a guy for 5 years that was a recovering alcoholic and in the end of our relationship he was very abusive. He broke my arm, hand, ribs, black eyes, and he always blamed me for everything. I'm not a negative or angry person. I have always been a very loving, trusting, and passionate person. I finally had the courage to kick him out December 2006. My problem is that I FINALLY met a good guy on eharmony of all places. His family is wonderful and they have completely taken me in their arms. We don't live together, but we have exchanged keys. My problem is that I always think that he's going to break up with me any day. He knows about my past and he says he loves me and that he likes being with me. I want to stop thinking and feeling this way. How can I do that???? Please help...

-- Contributed by: Lynda

Dear Lori, I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and he has suddenly changed on me. He has a cell phone. I looked at the voice message on the phone screen one time and asked him may I see who it was? He responded that it is nothing serious. I also asked him may I borrow the cell phone and he also responded that he has to get all the information out of the phone first before I could borrow it. So my question to you is, could that be a sign that he is cheating on me? I want to know so I can move on with my life and not to be feeling hurt inside.

-- Contributed by: hurt inside

Going into college, I had a girlfriend who was still a senior in high school. We had just started dating about 3 weeks before and we did not know each other as well I would I liked. We've known each other almost all our lives but never talked. Her brother and I are good friends, and our fathers are best friends. I didn't trust her completely because Ii didn't trust myself completely. She never would have cheated but I got close. One night a female friend stayed over in my bed (she asked because her roommate was throwing a party and she said she could not sleep). I did not tell my girlfriend about it, I was scared she would dump me in a second. We broke up about a month later because it was too difficult for us to see each other. Neither of us was over the other. I tried to keep in touch in whatever ways possible, online, texts, whatever. We saw each other for two consecutive days because of family funerals and we started talking more. We shared how we still felt deeply for each other. Over those past 5 months or so, I felt very guilty about that one night when I let my friend stay over. I had a few panic attacks about telling her even when we weren't talking. We stopped talking so much because of the fact we still couldn’t see each other much again. It had been too long and I had to tell her what I was hiding, it was ruining my life. I honestly thought that she deserved to know, I thought it was the right thing to tell her. She erupted on me. She yelled at me via AIM as she had never done before, in fact I don’t think she ever showed contempt for me before like that. The following days were the worst of my life and I could barely live with myself. I wrote her a letter apologizing and saying I didn’t expect another chance or forgiveness. I had a friend pick me up and drive me out to her house and I dropped the letter off in her mailbox. It seemed to help but I hurt her real bad. She responded via facebook (online) and so we went back and forth a couple times that way. With the letter, she kind of gave me another chance, but my response to her response kind of scared her off. She established that maybe somewhere down the road we can be together, but she wants to see other people for now. I know in reality that she doesn't know other guys and she is just really hurt. I care about her so much I really don’t care to be with anyone else. We've talked a little since then, but I think about this everyday, multiple times. This has changed my life. Recently, I've been thinking it would be the right thing to let her go, and leave her alone. I've been so selfish to expect a relationship from her. I can’t describe how difficult it would be, especially because I know she still cares for me. I don't know what to do.

-- Contributed by: Mathew

I like one guy and he doesn’t care about me anymore. I want to know how I can get him back. He used to care about me.

-- Contributed by: manpret

Dear Lori, H and I were casual friends for along time. But a year ago, H showed me that he cared for me a lot more than friends. We hung out and become closer "friends" for 4 or 5 months. I just got over another relationship and wasn’t ready for anything else. H never crossed the line, or flirted or anything back. Meanwhile, H told me that he liked me, and asked me if I liked him. I was quiet, and didn’t say anything or tried to avoid it. H kept on caring and making time for me. H asked me another time the same question but again I couldn’t tell him that I liked him cause I was scared of committing again. For some reason, gradually, we became less and less close. H doesn’t seem to go after me anymore. But, we still remains friends and keep in touch frequently. H doesn’t know that I've already gradually fallen for him. H is still nice to me, and he calls to check up on me or ask me out for a casual drink sometimes (we don’t talk and hangout as often like back then anymore). Seems like now there is nothing significant about our friendship. Should I tell H now about the change in how I feel?? Is it too late?

-- Contributed by: tkay - Edit | Delete

Dear Lori,

I have just recently ended an eight month relationship with a girl I truly loved. She was fifteen and I am eighteen. Four days after I ended it I met a girl and we started talking and I have fallen madly for her. Some of my friends say it’s just a rebound relationship. But we have a lot in common and share a lot of the same values and goals in life. She is older and more mature. Everyone I talk to says rebound relationships don’t work, is this true and can my new relationship work? And if it can what can i do to better the chances of it working?

-- Contributed by: Brad

I have had a sustained attraction for a man. We've shared lingering eye contact, etc. I know he's attracted to me by his body language. He does one thing though that leaves me confused. What does it mean when he squints his eyes at me and smiles? I've heard it can be a sign he's trying to “make sure I'm real", whatever that means. I've also heard he's trying to “pull away" and make light of our attraction. What do you think this behavior means? Thanks for your comments.

-- Contributed by: Kirsten

Hi, I've had a live in girlfriend for almost five years. In the beginning, she had a lot of skeletons, which came out in a slew of lies. We worked through all of them until the truths came out. Everything has been good until this past weekend. She was online and out of nowhere, she did a search for a past boyfriend and two male friends from her past. I was so hurt and angry. I provide everything for us and this made me feel so betrayed. When I confronted her she said, "She was curious to see if they were still around her hometown area," which is three hours away. "Curious"… a cheap cop-out to the truth? What should I do? How do I handle such a betrayed feeling? I was in an eighties hair metal band and was with a lot of partners (too many), but I have no interest in anyone from my past or anyone in my future. What makes her want to find out if "they're still around?"

-- Contributed by: W.E.B.

I am 18 years old and my boyfriend is 34 years old. We have been dating for about a month now. In the beginning he was really into me, he would do anything for me, he talked about getting married and having a future, he told me he loved me all the time, he constantly called and texted me. Recently, his attitude has completely changed. I make all the effort to call and/or text him; I’m always the one trying to hang out. He never has time for me anymore and tells me it’s work that is keeping him busy, and that we only have time… so be patient. My girlfriends have told me he could be cheating and to talk to him about it. So I have and he doesn’t even respond when I ask. Do you think he is cheating?

-- Contributed by: charlotte

I have recently left an abusive relationship. I feel that I am not completely over this individual. I was in love with him...the good qualities he did offer. He has been dating someone new and I have already been approached by her (we all live in the same small town) with questions about him and what happened between us (i.e. the abuse, orders of protection, etc). It is hard enough having to see him nearly everyday, but he goes out of his way to be where I am or at least make sure that I see him and that he's nearby! Wherever I am in town, he finds me where I am at usually three or four times if not more. What's disturbing, is his new girlfriend is now in the car with him while he's doing this? I don't purposely seek them out or show up at bars/restaurants where they are, I would and do go elsewhere. I can't help but wonder what she's thinking or how this behavior must make her feel. He's probably controlling anf abusing her just like he did me. Any thought or words of advice would be greatly appreciated please. Thank you!

-- Contributed by: Jeana

Expert Reply

Dear Jeana,

Given that you and your ex were dating for a while, live in a small town and that you are not completely over him, I’d say that it is no coincidence that you and he keep running into each other. You both know the social spots the two of you used to frequent both when you were singles and as a couple. There is a saying, leopards don’t change their spots, meaning that if either one of you wanted to be seen by your ex, all you’d have to do is go to any one of these social places. So while you say that you are not ‘purposely’ seeking him out, your behavior says otherwise. If you truly don’t want to run into your ex, then find new places to hang out. This may mean that you hang out in a different town.

As for why his current girlfriend is asking you questions about your ex, I am guessing that either he has told her you aren’t over him (which is correct) or he is trying to make her jealous by using you. Either way, you are the one who comes across as the one pursuing him.

I think you spend a lot of time thinking about your ex and his current girlfriend, too much time in fact. Breaking up is hard enough; it is even harder when you are still holding on to parts of the old relationship. You can’t move forward and date someone fantastic until you let go of the past. Moreover, no guy is going to want to date you if you are still holding a flame for your ex.

~~Lori

I have been with my boyfriend for a while now (on and off). We were together for a year, living together. We broke up last May and then I moved to California after we broke up. He recently moved out to California to be with me about 3 months ago and we are back together again. But we aren’t living together anymore. I have a serious jealousy problem though. I am very insecure and I feel like he does not respect me. Sometimes he will say really awful things to me for minor mistakes. For example, last weekend I made a wrong turn and he blew up at me and said, "You suck at everything! There isn’t anything you are good at!" he says mean things randomly all the time that hurt my feelings to the point where I cry. And when I cry, he says, "stop being a baby! I can’t put up with this!" Then other times he will be really sweet and nice. He works with a girl who is pretty and has an attitude like she knows what she wants and she gets what she wants. I can't help it so I bring her up sometimes and asks him if he likes her... and he always just gets so angry and annoyed. I guess it is my way of simply asking if he is cheating on me. He has not ever given me a reason not to trust him, but I don't know why I am so desperate to find out if he is. It’s like I NEED to know. I am going insane over this. I really just want to know how he really feels about me. Please help here!

-- Contributed by: Samantha

Expert Reply

Dear Samantha,

You hit the nail on the head when you stated that you "just want to know how he feels about me." Part of your jealousy stems from not knowing. Therefore, it would be natural to wonder if you are doing something that turns him off or if there is another woman that turns him on more than you do. The other reason for your jealousy is that your boyfriend is emotionally abusive. By being verbally abusive, he keeps you submissive. This one down position has you feeling insecure. As a result, you are second-guessing your relationship with your boyfriend and second-guessing your own self-worth.

If your boyfriend’s abusive style is the result of not knowing how to manage his own stress level or because he never learned how to appropriately give negative feedback, these are easy fixes. People with these negative behaviors; tend to want to blame others for their own anger. Often times they manage to convince their partner’s, children, friends, etc. that if they just behaved differently, there would be no anger. This is one reason why women stay in abusive relationships; they believe the abuse is their fault.

The truth is we each are responsible for our emotions. No one can make us behave inappropriately. Your boyfriend may not be able to control his anger on his own. He may have to learn new skills and techniques to manage his negative feelings. This would require him to acknowledge his challenges and seek some counseling. Nothing you can do will change his behavior; only he can choose to do that. You can choose whether to stay with him, should he not be willing to work on his own issues.

Once your boyfriend learns how to deal with anger and frustration, he will also learn how to offer support and work with you to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. Because of his changes, you too will feel differently towards to boyfriend. You may experience a team-approach feeling, or you might feel like the two of you are united partners. It is likely that this couple feeling of connectedness will reduce your insecurity about how he feels towards you and how he might feel towards other women.

The challenge for you will be whether you can recognize which are your boyfriend’s issues and which ones are yours. Sometimes in relationships, one partner has a hard time being responsible for his feelings and behaviors, while the other partner takes on the responsibility of trying to fix things. You might find it helpful to talk with a counselor about your concerns as well.

~~Lori

Previous Questions

Singles Mixer

Hi Lori, could you tell me what is a singles mixer? I'm 27 and I have been single for 3 years. My ex boyfriend and I broke up because he cheated on me and also blamed me for my miscarrying our baby. Also I am moving from San Francisco to Los Angeles . I heard about a singles mixer on television. Are there any in Los Angeles and also how is this different from online dating, speed dating and going to a bar? Also is this a good place to take my little sister? She is 24 and she is worried that if I take her to a place like this she will feel like the only virgin there and I told her that it is probably not true. She is an overweight but curvy girl. She feels guys would not like her because of her whole body. Also my sister and I have a unique ethnic back ground - our mother is a Jamaican and our father is German and Italian. It would be nice if I brought anybody of any race home to meet my parents or if my sister did the same thing. I should mention that my sister is also going to live with me. Therefore, do you know if any mixers are in Los Angeles or should I look online to see where they are at? Thank You.

-- Contributed by: claire

Expert Reply

Dear Claire,

A mixer is another way for singles to come together to meet. Sometimes mixers are sponsored by singles organizations, non-profits who are hosting the event to raise money for a cause, faith-based organizations, etc. They differ from online dating, in that the people attending are not screened or fit a certain profile. Mixers are different then speed dating. With speed dating you have a limited amount of time to talk with the one person before you have to move on the next person. Mixers do share some similarity to the bar scene. The differences are that people attending mixers are single (not so in a bar), they might be attending in part because everyone there is single, and also the individual supports or has an interest in the sponsor of the mixer.

Mixer and other single events are a good opportunity for both you and your younger sister to meet other singles. Using the Internet is a good way to learn about the various singles events in your neighborhood well as in the surrounding area. Not all mixers are created equal, so spending time finding out who is sponsoring the event, if there is a charge to attend, the age range of the participants, ethnic makeup, etc. is a good way for you and your sister to select an event you both are interested in. Given the rich and diverse family history, you may want to look for mixers that explore your family heritage. The Internet can also help you check out different Chamber of Commerce events. You can find Chambers by community, neighborhood, gender, and ethnicity. Although not all the people attending a Chamber meeting/event are single, many are working professionals who know the area and can give you and your sister suggestions for becoming familiar with your new city.

The way you can help your sister is by recognizing that there are parts of herself she is self-conscious about. One area of concern is with her virginity. You can support her feelings and help her understand that no one will ever be able to tell by looking at her that she is a virgin. The only way someone would know is if she tells him or her. While it may be true that many young people today lose their virginity prior to age twenty-four, there is a growing support for remaining a virgin longer, which means it is not so unusual for someone to be in their twenty’s and still be a virgin. The other area where your sister is self-conscious is with her weight. Luckily, there are many men who find larger, curvaceous woman exciting. There are dating sites for just larger woman.

Dating preferences are like ice cream flavors; there is someone out there for every taste. I love chocolate ice cream! Nevertheless, I am in the minority. In a recent survey of ice cream preferences, vanilla ranked #1 with 29 percent of the vote, followed by chocolate at 9 percent, and strawberry at 5 percent. Praline ice cream comes in at a distant 10th place with only 2 percent of the vote. The point here is that neither you nor your sister is plain vanilla, you both are richer exotic flavors and while the pool may be smaller for people with your preference, wouldn’t you rather be a rich exotic woman, than a plain vanilla any day?

~~Lori

Additional Questions and Answers

For past answers to previous Ask the Dating Coach questions, click on the following link:

• Dating Experts