American Men Dating Chinese Women Dangers

Are There American Men Dating Chinese Women Dangers?

Reader Question

Hi, Dating coach, how are you today? I am Chinese. I met an American man online in November of 2006. We have met each other in person for three times since then. But we haven't gotten along since we met the second time and since then he started to focus on another woman. But we still communicate through phone calls and online chatting. He calls me every day, most of the time twice per day. I admit that I have strong feelings for him. He said we should meet in person again in August this year to see if we are the right one for each other. If we get along, then he will apply for the visa for me. To be honest, sometimes I am not happy being with him, but I don't want to lose him. Could you please tell me how to handle the issue we have currently?

Hi, dating coach, I am here again. Could you please tell me what a Chinese woman should pay more attention to when she is dating an American man? Could you tell me the culture differences in China and the U.S. in dating field? Thanks a lot.

-- Contributed by: Danqi

Expert Reply

Dear Danqi,

What a Chinese woman should pay attention to when she is dating an American man or any man, is how she feels when she is with him, talking with him on the phone or through the Internet. Do you feel special, cared about, and happy? Or, do you feel that your thoughts and opinions are not important, that he is not that interested in getting to know you or that he gets angry quickly when you express thoughts and ideas which are different then his?

As far as I can tell, neither you nor the American man you met online are all that into each other. This is an important factor for a relationship and is perhaps a difference between Chinese woman and American woman. Chinese woman historically have been the more dependent and compliant halves in a couple relationship. As a result, Chinese women tend to put the needs of the man ahead of their needs. Not for American woman, who believes that a romantic relationship should balance the needs of both partners. This is one reason some American men look for a Chinese partner. These men want a woman who is subservient to his needs, which are behaviors that are more acceptable and traditional for Chinese women.

Another distinction between American and Chinese women is that in the Western culture dating more than one person at a time is acceptable and encouraged. This trial and error approach to romance is thought to be important for finding the right partner. It also seems to be what the American man you are interested in seems to be doing and may explain why he went online to begin with. If he is interested in a Chinese woman, it is often for the reason I mentioned above. To choose the ‘right’ partner, he may be also in contact with other Chinese women, visiting them, calling them.

It is important for you to consider why you want to be in America and what would happen if you were with a man whose sole reason for choosing you is that he wants you to be dependent and compliant. If your interest in this man is only as a way to get to America and experience the lifestyle which is acceptable in Western society then you may find yourself in a relationship where you are very unhappy and isolated when you are denied this independence.

~~Lori