Am I Ready to Get Married

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Is your partner pushing wedding bells and you are now wondering, "am I ready to get married?" Let our dating coach help you!

Wondering: Am I Ready to Get Married?

Reader Question

Dear Lori, My live in girlfriend of five years has been seeing a guy behind my back for about a couple of weeks now. I found out when I came home earlier then she expected and she was not home. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she went out with a male friend of hers that I have never met before. She also admitted that they have met about five times for lunch a once for hiking. In addition, she has been looking for a new apartment and recently purchased a new cell phone and email address. She claims that he is only a friend and nothing ever happened; she can look me straight in the eye when she says that. I also talked with the guy and he even gives me the same story. Since then she has told me she needs some space to think about things. She 24 and never lived on her own, so she told me that she wants to experience living on her own. Right now, she has not left for good but she moved out with a lady she worked for about a week so she can think things over. She does not want calls or emails from me until she thinks things over. After all this, do you think there is more going on then she is telling me? Do you think she cheated on me? If she did cheat, will she ever come clean about it? She told me part of the problem is that we have been living together for five years and I have not asked to marry her. What advice can you give me? I do not think she is all the way gone yet.

-- Contributed by: James

Expert Reply

Dear James,

I don’t think there is more going on between your girlfriend and the male friend then what she has told you. I do think you are focusing on the wrong thing. You are focusing on your fear that your girlfriend may have been unfaithful, which I don’t believe is an issue. Given what you have written in your question, I don’t believe she has been unfaithful. Instead of focusing on this non-issue, you should be focusing on the fact that your girlfriend wants her independence and the reason she wants it.

You report, “she told me part of the problem is that we have been living together for five years and I have not asked to marry her.” Here is the clue to what is going on. She is trying to tell you to wake up! She is ready to get married! I’m guessing that the message here is if you are not going to ask her to marry you, then she is going to free herself from the relationship so that she can look for someone who is ready to get married.

My advice is for you to decide if you are ready to get married. Being ready because you want to settle down and spend the rest of your life with this particular woman is different from being ready because you fear you will lose her if you don’t marry her. Don’t let fear be the reason to marry her or any woman. Should you marry out of fear, the marriage is likely to suffer when things get tough. If you are not ready to marry, tell your girlfriend this information, but be prepared for her to end the relationship. If on the other hand you are ready to marry her, you need to get moving.

~~Lori

Are Questions Normal?

Reader Question

Hi, my fiancé and I have been together for two years and everything in our relationship has been great. However, as time draws closer to the wedding date I can't help but ask if I am ready? I know I want to marry him but I just don't know if that is right now. Sometimes I even wonder if I get married if I will be missing someone better. I do love him but I have so many doubts. I have talked to him about me not being ready but he says that I am. Is it normal to have so many questions? What should I do?

-- Contributed by: Veronica

Expert Reply

Dear Veronica,

Marriage is a huge step in a couple’s relationship and not something to commit to lightly. Getting married encompasses more than just forsaking all others, it includes legal, emotional, physical and spiritual joint decision-making. When you consider all that goes on within a couple’s decision to marry it becomes easy to see why some people have pre-wedding jitters. However, not all concerns boil down to jitters; some are very real red flags. So how do you know which concerns are pre-wedding jitters and which are red-run-for-the-hills-flags? Regardless of what kinds of concerns you may have, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your fiancé. Loving someone and being able to spend your life with him are two completely different things.

Jitters aren’t the same as second thoughts. With jitters, you tend to have moments when you worry and moments when you are confident about your decision and excited to get married. Try as you might, that little voice in the back of your mind just won’t quite down. Jitters are about the life changes you are making. These changes affect the way the two of you view money, friends, family as well as the very idea of having to make joint decisions. Jitters are about fear of the unknown.

Second thoughts tend hang on. Second thoughts come from anxiety and can lead to high stress. If you have been worrying for over a month on whether or not you should marry your fiancé, it’s a sign of problems to come. Often a woman will try to push aside those negative feelings surfacing prior to the wedding out of a sense of embarrassment, fear, or obligation. Going ahead with the wedding and denying your feelings of uncertainty will likely result in a newly married woman who might have great difficulty acting as partner to her husband.

Marriage is about teamwork and a good test for how the two of you are going to work as a team can be found in the way each of you handles your concerns about getting married. Right now, you are sharing your concern with your fiancé and he is responding by telling you that you are indeed ready to get married. That’s not teamwork. My suggestion is for the two of you to speak with a clergy, counselor or attend a pre-marital group. Using an outside, unbiased professional can help the two of you to sort out your concerns as well as work on a joint solution.

~~Lori

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