Am I Ready to Get Married

Wondering: Am I Ready to Get Married?

Reader Question

Dear Lori, My live in girlfriend of five years has been seeing a guy behind my back for about a couple of weeks now. I found out when I came home earlier then she expected and she was not home. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she went out with a male friend of hers that I have never met before. She also admitted that they have met about five times for lunch a once for hiking. In addition, she has been looking for a new apartment and recently purchased a new cell phone and email address. She claims that he is only a friend and nothing ever happened; she can look me straight in the eye when she says that. I also talked with the guy and he even gives me the same story. Since then she has told me she needs some space to think about things. She 24 and never lived on her own, so she told me that she wants to experience living on her own. Right now, she has not left for good but she moved out with a lady she worked for about a week so she can think things over. She does not want calls or emails from me until she thinks things over. After all this, do you think there is more going on then she is telling me? Do you think she cheated on me? If she did cheat, will she ever come clean about it? She told me part of the problem is that we have been living together for five years and I have not asked to marry her. What advice can you give me? I do not think she is all the way gone yet.

-- Contributed by: James

Expert Reply

Dear James,

I don’t think there is more going on between your girlfriend and the male friend then what she has told you. I do think you are focusing on the wrong thing. You are focusing on your fear that your girlfriend may have been unfaithful, which I don’t believe is an issue. Given what you have written in your question, I don’t believe she has been unfaithful. Instead of focusing on this non-issue, you should be focusing on the fact that your girlfriend wants her independence and the reason she wants it.

You report, “she told me part of the problem is that we have been living together for five years and I have not asked to marry her.” Here is the clue to what is going on. She is trying to tell you to wake up! She is ready to get married! I’m guessing that the message here is if you are not going to ask her to marry you, then she is going to free herself from the relationship so that she can look for someone who is ready to get married.

My advice is for you to decide if you are ready to get married. Being ready because you want to settle down and spend the rest of your life with this particular woman is different from being ready because you fear you will lose her if you don’t marry her. Don’t let fear be the reason to marry her or any woman. Should you marry out of fear, the marriage is likely to suffer when things get tough. If you are not ready to marry, tell your girlfriend this information, but be prepared for her to end the relationship. If on the other hand you are ready to marry her, you need to get moving.

~~Lori