Abusive Relationships
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Abusive relationships can happen to both men and women at any age. Knowing the signs of abuse and what to do if you spot them in your relationship or the relationship of a loved one can quickly help put a stop to it.
Profile of Abusers
Many people become abusers after witnessing violence and manipulation in their own home while growing up. Although this should never be seen as an excuse for violence, some abusers will act like it's no big deal. A typical abuser will blame the victim for any aggression claiming that the victim purposely pushed the abuser’s buttons to make them mad. Remember: an abuser makes the decision to abuse. It is never the fault of the victim.
Abusers often feel out of control of their own lives and batter others to feel empowered.
Types of Abusive Relationships
Most people think of domestic violence when they imagine an abusive relationship, but abuse can be emotional, sexual, and physical. Many times, an abuser will start by controlling their girlfriend or boyfriend through threats and manipulation that will later escalate to violence.
Emotional Abuse
Attacking a person on an emotional level is often the first step in abusive relationships. The abuser tries to gain control by putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself. The abuser typically tries to influence all aspects of their victim’s life in an attempt to make the victim dependent on them.
Your partner is emotionally abusing you if he or she:
- Calls you insulting names and makes fun of you.
- Keeps track of where you are and who you see. You may also be forced to ask permission to see friends or family members.
- Becomes jealous and overprotective of you and your time.
- Manages your finances and makes you ask for money.
- Is nice and caring in private but mocks you in front of other people.
- Threatens to hurt him or herself if you leave the relationship.
Sexual Abuse
A person who truly loves you will never pressure you into sexual activities that you are uneasy about, but this is a common tool used by abusers. Sexual abuse can happen outside the bedroom, too, with demands for you to change into sexy clothing before going out or forcing you to engage in public displays of affection that make you uncomfortable.
Some clear sign of sexual abuse include:
- Not respecting your sexual limits.
- Insisting on sex even if you don’t feel well.
- Guilting you into sex acts by saying it will prove you love him or her.
- Withholding sex or affection and using them as a reward for your good behavior.
Physical Abuse
Although physical violence is an obvious sign of an abusive relationship, the person behind the violence will often make excuses or blame the victim for the hostility. If you suspect you may be in a physically abusive relationship, watch for these warning signs:
- You’ve been hit, slapped, pushed, bitten, or kicked by your partner.
- You fear for your safety.
- Your partner threatens you, your children, or your pets.
- Your partner destroys your property.
There is no excuse for your boyfriend or girlfriend to hurt you. A healthy relationship never includes physical violence.
How to Get Out of Abusive Relationships
An abusive relationship usually can’t be fixed unless the abuser recognizes their actions and is willing to work on their behavior. This usually means intensive therapy and anger management. For the therapy to be successful, the abuser must accept responsibility for the violence and work on it willingly. Standard relationship counseling won’t be able to solve the problems in an abusive relationship.
If your partner continues to abuse you and isn’t willing to work on the problem, it’s probably time for you to get out of the relationship. Many communities have domestic violence shelters that can help you leave your situation and put you in touch with legal resources. Check your local phone book under Human Services or try your local YWCA.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a free resource that provides information and support 24 hours a day to people who need information about leaving an abusive relationship. By calling 1-800-799-SAFE, you can get advice and referral information to organizations in your area.
Comments
Scared teen mother, I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend is abusing you. I think you need to take a time out from this relationship for a while. I'm not saying breakup (yet), but give each other some space to think about each of you really feels about the relationship. He is likely stressed about being a father which is making the situation more volatile. He may be the father of your child, but you and your baby should not be treated this way. Don't be afraid to leave an abusive relationship. There is someone out there that will treat you right. If after the baby is born he continues to be abusive, tell him that you will not stay in an abusive relationship. If he continues, then either get out or see a counselor together.
-- Contributed by: Rick FulksI am 18years old i just graduated from high school and about to attend college i am also 9months pregnant i have been dealing with my boyfriend for about 3years now things are getting out of hand when we first meet he treated me wonderful like a queen and now he just seems angery all the time when things dont go his way or the way he wants it or if i dont wanna do things for him he gets an attitude with me and he suddnely doesnt wanna talk to me. We get into arguments all the time he wont even tll me he loves me anymore, hug me kiss me console me at all he verbal abuses me all the time when i am mad with him he doesnt take it seariously he gets mad bc im mad and when i tell him how i feel he teels me to shut up and starts getting more angerier with me he even gets in my face he's called me names bicth, slut, whore when i tell him how i feel while were arguing he's like your running your mouth shut the ... up so i do just to not make him madder my bf is 24 by the way recently he hit me for the 1st time and im 9months pregnant with his child he was abused by his step dad and his mother didnt take care of him and his 6 siblings so he took care of them even though he was a teen i just think he's angery with his life right now but taking it out on me when i have dont nothing but help him when he was in jail ealier this year i paid for his lawyer was with him every step of the way me and my family and his family didnt even help at all and now that i got him home he treating me like dirt. But he recently hit me we were arguing and i said i was leaving i grabbed my keys but he grabbed me by my wrist and said i wasnt going any where i tried to get away but he got more aggrsive he grabbed me and took me into his bedroom(his lil brother age 14 was there watching) i screamed out his lil brothers name to somehow show him to help me but he didnt he just left the room and left me i was still trying to get away so i could go home screaming let me go i wanna go home he grabs me by my neck and slams me down on the bed everytime i tried to get up and leave so finally i cant breath im crying and im blue in the face i get up for the last time and push him and i scream plz let me go home he suddnely raises his hand and hits me right in the mouth not a punch but a lil hit it didnt hurt but the point was he hit me i cried the loudest cry ever in my life bc he hurt emotionally not physically i go tot the window in the room and tried to breath bc i couldnt from screaming and crying he looks me in the face and starts to apologize and tell me he loves me and that he just didnt want me to leave but why could nt he just tell me that i am now scared if i stay with him he will get angery one day and hit my child when she is older or younger ive seen him hit his younger brother who it 11 bc he made 3 f's and i cant do this he expects me to help him get bac ok his feet bc he just got out of jail but im 40wks i can come anyday and i told him im not leaving the house bc as of right now he has no car he is suppose to come get my old one my family has done so much for him and he treats me like ... he's even told me i will do anything to hurt your feelings when we argue and u ... me off i dont care what i have to say bc thats just how i am i will never let anyone win bc thats just me and if you dont like it get the hell on im pregnant and tired i wanna be happy my family doesnt know all the stuff he does but i need to talk to someone plz write me back thanks
-- Contributed by: Scared teen motherKairi,
Your partner definitely has control issues. I can't judge in your letter if they are abusive, although if he is threating you verbally, that is definitely a form of abuse. I do think you need to be worried about these signs.
What your partner needs is help dealing with these controlling behaviors. If he can at least admit that he has a problem, I would highly recommend he seek counseling... and possibly you too. You may also want to ask yourself some hard questions about whether this is the kind of relationship you actually want.
In addition, I recommend you read some of the advice our experts have given these readers:
-- Contributed by: Debbie VasenThis page has been accessed 3,053 times. This page was last modified 15:38, 9 May 2008.
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