Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships can happen to both men and women at any age. Knowing the signs of abuse and what to do if you spot them in your relationship or the relationship of a loved one can quickly help put a stop to it.

Profile of Abusers

Many people become abusers after witnessing violence and manipulation in their own home while growing up. Although this should never be seen as an excuse for violence, some abusers will act like it's no big deal. A typical abuser will blame the victim for any aggression claiming that the victim purposely pushed the abuser’s buttons to make them mad. Remember: an abuser makes the decision to abuse. It is never the fault of the victim.

Abusers often feel out of control of their own lives and batter others to feel empowered.

Types of Abusive Relationships

Most people think of domestic violence when they imagine an abusive relationship, but abuse can be emotional, sexual, and physical. Many times, an abuser will start by controlling their girlfriend or boyfriend through threats and manipulation that will later escalate to violence.

Emotional Abuse

Attacking a person on an emotional level is often the first step in abusive relationships. The abuser tries to gain control by putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself. The abuser typically tries to influence all aspects of their victim’s life in an attempt to make the victim dependent on them.

Your partner is emotionally abusing you if he or she:

• Calls you insulting names and makes fun of you.
• Keeps track of where you are and who you see. You may also be forced to ask permission to see friends or family members.
• Becomes jealous and overprotective of you and your time.
• Manages your finances and makes you ask for money.
• Is nice and caring in private but mocks you in front of other people.
• Threatens to hurt him or herself if you leave the relationship.

Sexual Abuse

A person who truly loves you will never pressure you into sexual activities that you are uneasy about, but this is a common tool used by abusers. Sexual abuse can happen outside the bedroom, too, with demands for you to change into sexy clothing before going out or forcing you to engage in public displays of affection that make you uncomfortable.

Some clear sign of sexual abuse include:

• Not respecting your sexual limits.
• Insisting on sex even if you don’t feel well.
• Guilting you into sex acts by saying it will prove you love him or her.
• Withholding sex or affection and using them as a reward for your good behavior.

Physical Abuse

Although physical violence is an obvious sign of an abusive relationship, the person behind the violence will often make excuses or blame the victim for the hostility. If you suspect you may be in a physically abusive relationship, watch for these warning signs:

• You’ve been hit, slapped, pushed, bitten, or kicked by your partner.
• You fear for your safety.
• Your partner threatens you, your children, or your pets.
• Your partner destroys your property.

There is no excuse for your boyfriend or girlfriend to hurt you. A healthy relationship never includes physical violence.

How to Get Out of Abusive Relationships

An abusive relationship usually can’t be fixed unless the abuser recognizes their actions and is willing to work on their behavior. This usually means intensive therapy and anger management. For the therapy to be successful, the abuser must accept responsibility for the violence and work on it willingly. Standard relationship counseling won’t be able to solve the problems in an abusive relationship.

If your partner continues to abuse you and isn’t willing to work on the problem, it’s probably time for you to get out of the relationship. Many communities have domestic violence shelters that can help you leave your situation and put you in touch with legal resources. Check your local phone book under Human Services or try your local YWCA.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a free resource that provides information and support 24 hours a day to people who need information about leaving an abusive relationship. By calling 1-800-799-SAFE, you can get advice and referral information to organizations in your area.

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