Advice for a 30 Year Old Virgin

lonely woman

Are you a 30 year old virgin? Well, read this visitor's question and our dating coach's response for a touch of good advice.

I am a 30 Year Old Virgin

Reader Question

Dear Lori, I am an almost 30 year old female virgin who has been looking for her soul mate since high school, but I have not succeeded. Most of the men that I have notice throughout my life have been jerks. I said to myself that at the age of 25 I will find my soul mate, but no luck. I thought about doing the club and bar scene, but from films and other forms of information most of the guys just want to dance or have one night stands. Also I heard on the news some guy picked up a woman a bar, they were talking friendly, and then when they went back to his car he raped her. So I try to avoid such things.

I live in Los Angeles with my sister; also I am studying in the medical field for general surgery so during these college years I have to pay more attention to my studies. Now that I am almost 30, I feel I missed out on a lot. It would be nice to talk to guys but I am afraid that they will not like me and/or they will be some kind of jerk. Also I get way too nervous around guys and I hate it. I would love to finally meet a decent caring guy who knows how I feel and who treats me with respect. I watched the 40 Year Virgin and it made me real uncomfortable because I knew how the main character felt. I definitely do NOT want to be a 40 year old virgin myself.

This has really bugged me. My family sympathizes with me. I wish I could do the online dating thing but then I would have to talk to the guy through emails and chats rooms all the time when I really have to study. Is there another way I can make time for a guy and also where can I meet other virgins like me who don't feel like going to a bar or club to meet somebody? Are there others like me in this situation? I am about to start my career soon and I feel that this too will mess up my romantic plans. I need your advice.

---Becky

Expert Reply

Dear Becky,

Some people may think that a woman who is smart, educated, caring and still a virgin in her late twenties or early thirties is unique, or worse abnormal. You may be surprised to know that according to a Center for Disease Control and Prevention report, 7 percent of unmarried women between the ages of 25 and 29 have never had sex; 5 percent of unmarried women between the ages of 30 and 34 are virgins as are 4.3 percent of women between the ages of 35 and 39. Women who are older and have not lost their virginity or dated can face many challenges, including those misguided perceptions of others. In a society that is far more open talking about sexual experiences in general conversation, those without such experiences can feel they have little or nothing to contribute.

There is a saying; Life is what is happening while you're making other plans. Being in school does not mean you have to give up dating or making friends. Just like with your studies, you have to balance classroom lectures, with laundry and eating and sleeping; so it is fair to say you can learn to balance a social life. Plus, a social life is what will lead you to meeting some very wonderful men. Sixty-three percent of married couples meet through a network of friends. On average 30% of couples say they met via the Internet. As for the bar scene…only nine percent of women and 2 percent of men say they found a relationship through this method of meeting.

Waiting for THE One

As a dating coach, I have often heard people say they are looking for their "soul mate," as though this elusive person would be the answer to avoiding heartbreak and disappointment. A soul mate, any soul mate, is the person in the moment that shows up to teach you what you need to know about yourself. Your soul mates have all stood in front of you, but you have not seen then. How is this possible? Maybe you hadn't noticed them because you avoided dating in high school in order to focus on your studies. Or, perhaps dating and socializing has felt awkward. The truth is the longer you go down this path of not dating; the harder it has become to start. You have a lot of very good reasons for having avoided dating, but that doesn't make having prolonged it any easier.

According to the US census, there are over 100 million singles. The chance of you finding quality people to date is definitely achievable. However, along the way you may meet some jerks. Jerks are there to show you what you don't want in a relationship in order to teach you to identify what you do want. So how do you get started dating and socializing?

Get Out of That Rut

You get started by taking action! You are currently in a rut. You go to school, attend classes and study. Doing the same thing every day makes it unlikely you will meet or notice someone new to start a relationship with. Begin by breaking your routine. Go to a different coffee shop, go to the library and sit at a table that has room for others to join you. Go to an exercise class. Do whatever takes you out of your routine. You don't have to go alone, drag your sister along if you need courage to get started.

Learn More About Sex!

Reach out and be open to making a connection. Everyday you come into contact with people you don't know. Which means everyday you have many opportunities to meet and talk with people, if only briefly. First identify interesting people. To do this you'll need to learn to trust your instincts and act on your first impression. Use conversation openers to make things more comfortable. Offer a compliment, be willing to share your view or make a request of someone while standing in line. For example: if you're in line at the coffee shop ask the person you are interested in what they have tried on the menu? You may not always feel like talking to new people and it will take some effort to move past that inertia, but the rewards will be worth it.

Online Options

Consider using an online service. There are many dating services out there, some connect people by personality likeness, others by common interest, and each has various screening tools. The benefit of using an online services is that it's a way to slow down the process of meeting people, which can be a plus to individuals who find the fast pace of meeting someone in person a little overwhelming. Online dating allows you to select potential dates, talk via email and then work up to meeting in-person.

Changing your views about having a social life will mean taking action now. If you feel that fear and anxiety are stopping you, consider working with a life coach, dating coach or mental health professional to help you develop a plan of action as well as the social skills for interacting with men. Mark Twain said, All life demands change, variety, contrast- else there is small zest to it. It's time for you to get your zest on.

~~Lori

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Advice for a 30 Year Old Virgin